Brain Smasher... A Love Story

Yeah, Hot Tub?

Good, I'm glad you're home.

I got to tell you something.

This is real important. What do you mean?

I met that chick.

Yeah, I know you met that girl.

She's a great chick. Listen to me.

Listen to me...

All right, why is she great?

I don't know why.

She's got all her limbs, OK.

Listen, I've got to tell you this story.

What do you mean you've got to go?

All right, I got to...

I've got to tell you... Oh...

- Goodbye. - Johnny?

We're up.

- Hello? - Ed?

Mom?

Yeah, listen...

How did you get my number?

I'm at a phone booth in the middle of nowhere.

I need you to...

What do you mean you want me to move back?

Ma, look, I've got to tell you what happened to me last night.

Mom, listen to...

I'm not going to move back in the house.

I'm 32 years old.

I need my privacy. You know what I mean?

- Oh, great. - Ma, listen to...

Just great.

What do you got to get insulted... Ma?

Ma?

Hey, how you doing?

My name's Ed Molloy.

I'm known as the Brain Smasher.

You'll know why in a few minutes.

But you know what gets me?

Nobody listens anymore.

Nobody's got any sensitivity.

But you'll listen.

You're not going no where.

And let me tell you, I got an unbelievable story, you hear?

Here's the set up.

It started, of all places, in London, England.

There was this chick.

Absolutely fantastic.

Sam, give me a second.

Take an hour.

Her name is Samantha,

and she's one of those supermodels.

You know the type, with the big money, famous thing happening.

Oh, a book?

Amazing, isn't it?

I can actually read and wear a bathing suit at the same time.

Sometimes I even do math.

Sorry.

A beauty who reads.

Now there is a combo that I can marry.

Ugh.

As you can see, Samantha

wasn't the happiest chick in the world

when it came to relationships.

But hey, she hadn't met me yet.

Yeah.

What do you think he did this time?

Sam, wait.

This is for you.

Another present I wanted.

It's not from me.

- It's from your sister. - What did you do?

Schlep it all the way from Paris?

Yeah... big mistake.

I'll say.

You should have brought your heart instead.

Then you would have had to find it first, and...

Who else do you know that's going

to give you a $10,000 Rolex?

Hmm?

A Rolex is not love.

I'll mail it to you.

Keep it.

You know, you're going to regret this someday, Sam.

You're not going to look good in a bathing suit forever.

So Sam gets this package from her sister,

and that's what really sets the whole thing off.

Because the sister tells Sam to bring this package to Portland,

Oregon where she'll meet her.

What?

Now this is Portland, Oregon.

I live here.

This is where the rest of the story happens, and the set up.

Over here, Miss Crain.

I thought Halloween was last month.

These guys are Shaolin monks of the Red Lotus sect.

Our paths crossed...

What the hell did he say to you?

Tell your baby sister to shut up...

...or I'll pull her tongue out the back of her head!

Talk about stressed.

What did he say?

Uh... he would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk anymore.

Why don't you just say so?

Hey!

What are you...

What is he...

She's not involved in this.

Tell your baby sister to reveal the whereabouts

of the Red Lotus to us now.

Wait a minute.

You speak English.

You know, you guys are in a lot of trouble.

This isn't China.

You can't...

Sam, where's the package I asked you to bring?

I forgot it.

She's a model.

Oh.

Yeah, just another airhead.

But if these freaks kill me, they'll never

find their little package.

Tell them that.

She's got a point.

I'm sorry I got you into this, Sam.

That's what you're always saying.

Give us the Red Lotus.

You made your point.

It's this way.

Come on.

These guys are crazy.

You want to see crazy?

You will pay for this, Miss Crain.

I will find you.

Come on, Sam.

You have no honor.

Would you get up?

Come on.

This way... over here.

Oh, yuck.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, you send me a package from thousands

of miles away and then you ask me to rush it back to you.

I figure something's going on.

It always is with you.

What's with the ninjas?

I told you, they're Chinese monks.

- Ninjas are Japanese. - Details.

Come on.

Well, how was I supposed to know arm bruiser was going to follow

me all the way to Portland?

Arm bruiser?

What are you doing with those guys?

I can't let them get their hands

on the Red Lotus when our friend, Wu, said

ultimate power, he wasn't kidding.

I think we lost them.

No, you don't lose Red Lotus monks.

They're coming.

You just can't hear them.

Sure as hell can hear you in those things.

Lose them.

- These are $400 shoes. - Oh, details.

Look, go down this alley.

I'll meet up with you at St. Luke's Church.

Wait a minute. We're splitting up?

Look, this is what they're after.

They'll follow me.

I don't want to cause you any more trouble.

I'm not leaving you.

Mom and dad would kill me.

Oh, forget mom and dad.

Look, St. Luke's Church, tomorrow, noon.

Now, get out of here.

And lose those heels.

Oh, god.

That one has the Red Lotus.

She's smart and may elude us.

The younger one is a model. Capturing her will be easy.

Then we can trade her flesh to the flower.

OK.

Let's go!

Help!

I don't have it.

Leave me alone.

Help.

Hey!

Have a good time.

Wrong move, stupid.

Hey, why don't you guys come back tomorrow

when you sober up, huh?

Oh.

Now, that's why they call him the Brain Smasher.

Hey, Benny, call the cops.

We got four more.

Hey, hey, hey.

Cops are on their way.

- Here, here's your jacket. - Thanks.

Oh, I thought you said four?

You know me, I don't count too good.

Give me a light, will you?