Night Court

-Whoa. I've never seen this place so empty.

Is this what the end times will be like?

-Yes. And they can't get here fast enough.

Where is everybody?

Day court ran long again,

so they all went to see Judge Nulman.

Nulman.

This is like the 10th time he's made us start late.

He's wasting my 5-hour Energy.

I can't do this on two and a half hours' energy.

-So that's why you don't like him.

Not because the Times called him the funnest judge in the city?

-I couldn't care less what the Times called him.

And "funnest" isn't even a word.

It's probably why newspapers are dying.

- She didn't mean it.

-Some of us don't need an article to know we're fun

because we have a quiet inner confidence.

-And a lot of out-loud talking to yourself in a mirror.

You should close your door.

According to the article,

Nulman's a... "generational talent."

And if that keeps the, uh, coffee stand unattended...

well, all I have to say is...

chin-chin.

-"Generational talent." How fun can he be?

-Ah! Now the ladies!

Just ladies! Say "Ho! Ho!"

-Ho! Ho! -Say "Ho, ho, ho!"

-Ho, ho, ho! -Say "Eww!"

Eww!

And that's what witnesses did

when they were flashed by jolly old St. Ick.

Guilty.

Let's hear it for the Gay Men's Choir!

Sing em out, boys.

God. That is fun.

-...and that's why you never shake hands

with a Times Square Elmo.

All right. That's my time.

-Aww. -Aww.

Hey, I'll be back tomorrow.

Stay tuned for an all-new night court.

Yes!

Okay.

This guy's a fad.

These are the same ding-dongs

that went to go see Pizza Rat in concert.

-Isn't that ding-dong your ex? -Jake's here?

-If you don't want him to see you,

I've been practicing animal face painting

for my daughter's birthday party.

That won't be necessary.

Sure, our relationship ended badly,

but Jake and I are friends now. -Oh, really? You guys talk?

-No. -Text?

-No. -Hang out?

-Look who knows all the things that friends do!

-Abby. -Jake!

Howdy, partner. -Oof.

-Funny. You never came to watch me when we were dating.

And we were together during the summer,

when most of my defendants were wearing bikinis.

-Actually, I am here to see your court.

Oh. Really?

-About an HR complaint. -Ah.

But I am so psyched I got to witness Nulman in action.

I mean, you can really feel the electricity in the room.

-Well, if the room feels electric,

it's only because the walls are filled with frayed wires.

I'm just gonna mosey.

-Ah. Now that the circus is over, can we start?

How do you always show up

at the exact moment day court adjourns?

-Uh, she has a Ring camera in here,

and they sent me to confiscate it.

-Oh. So a woman can't be Big Brother?

Well, that is patriarchy.

-Judge Nulman. I'm Abby Stone.

-Thank you. Always nice to meet a fan.

Oh.

I'm...I'm not a fan. I'm a judge in night court.

-Aw. You can be a judge and a fan.

Hey. Sorry that we ran late.

It's just when the crowd is that hot -- Well, you get it.

-Oh, yeah. Totally. Totally.

I mean, I'm actually a bit of a fun judge myself.

I wasn't in the Times,

but a quote of mine did appear on a poster for "Sonic 3," so...

Well, hey, since I'm here,

I'd love to stick around and, uh, catch your session,

see how a fellow fun judge rocks the bench.

All right.

Well, slap a jockstrap on your front parts,

because Judge Abby's about to go nice and hard.

-Why am I clapping? You just insulted me.

-Dan, may I run something by you?

It would be my first big swing as chief bailiff.

-Are you gonna get rid of the "all rise"?

'Cause I get comfortable. Then I got to stand up.

It's a good idea.

-No. A courthouse welcome video.

-You know, we used to have a welcome video back in the '80s.

Why not just use that? -Because this is the only copy.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know, I can probably fix this,

but it's a rather technical process.

-Oh! -Good as new.

-I found this VCR in the evidence locker.

There was bread in it 'cause people thought it was a toaster.

-Hi. I'm Bailiff Roz Russell.

And if you're watching this, you screwed up.

-You didn't tell me Roz was the star of the welcome video.

Yeah. No. I forget. She was in all the instructional videos.

You know, when Roz Russell tells you to do something, you do it!

-I can't think of a better person

to welcome everyone into the courthouse.

We'll just use this. -Yes. Absolutely.

If it's not broke, don't fix it. -Ooh!

Oh!

This is clearly broke, though.

-All rise. Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

And coming to the bench --

She's cute, she's fun. she likes her steak well done --

It's the Honorable Judge Abby Stone.

-Oh! Who's ready to get this party started?!

Somebody say "Ho!"

-Uh, you can't call us that anymore.

Oh, please, Lacy.

You called me a high-strung bitch an hour ago.

What's with the entrance?

-Nulman's here, so I'm puttin' a little stank on it.

Okay.

Well, tonight's docket has plenty of fun...

damentally disturbed people.

-Got it. Murder. Attempted murder. Hit-and-run.

Are any of these at least naked? -Uh, the hit-and-run was.

But the victim landed in a pair of pants.

-How am I supposed to wow Nulman with this bummerfest?

Oh, wait. Wait. How about this guy?

His name is Frankenstein.

It's actually not.

The People vs. Frank...Enstein.

-Hey, Gay Men's Choir, sing him in.

-We're just waiting for our Uber.

-Makes sense you don't have a car,

because you can't find a key.

Good evening, Frank Enstein.

And may I say that I too think...

...fire bad.

This thing on? -It is.

-Mr. Enstein is charged with littering.

And before you ask, it was a cup.

And not even a cool one.

Just that small cup they give you

when you want to drink sink water at the movies.

-All right, Counselor. Your turn.

Please set me up to score.

-Sorry, Your Honor. I got nothing.

My client feared that his discarded cup

made it out to the open sea and choked the Little Mermaid.

He pleads guilty and asks for a moment of silence

to honor his ocean-dwelling victim.

-If you listen, you could hear her underwater screams.

-Fine. Let's just do the stupid silence.

You're not as fun as your name.

All right. Great. Guilty.

Please call me something fun.

-You asked for fun, and I delivered!

Oh!

Nulman!

Unbelievable.

Everyone thinks Nulman is the fun judge.

But my eyes are wide open.

-Because you haven't blinked since the snakes scared you.

-I'm telling you. That guy set me up.

-Abby, I think Nulman set you up.

-See? I was right. How was I right?

-He stole all our fun cases. -How fun we talkin'?

-A grandma fight club. Flasher flash mob.

The theft of a classroom hamster named Nibble Nuts.

-Was the hamster short-haired or fluffy?

-Fluffy as hell. -Mother fluffer.

He's coming for my territory.

This is a turf war. -Oh, please.

Now, if this were a real turf war, you'd get one of these.

Oh. Scar's gone.

Huh. Cream worked.

-If Nulman wants pranks, he's gonna get pranks.

-No. No pranks.

Yeah. These things escalate quickly.

It starts with silly snakes.

Next thing you know, your college roommate

has turned your toilet into a spring-loaded catapult.

What's the matter, Wyatt?