The Critic

Hello.

Jay, this is your ex-wife.

Your alimony check is 18 minutes late.

No, 19 minutes.

That's it. I'm calling my lawyer.

It stinks.

I've got to tell you,

I hated that scene in Jurassic park

where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face.

I did not see that coming.

It's the coming attractions 1,000th episode special,

with guest star meryl streep!

I'm your announcer skip bisbee.

And here's your host,

Jay sherman!

Uh, hello.

Welcome to our 1,000th show.

Wow! 1,000 shows!

In that time, we've seen Sylvester Stallone

rise and fall, rise and fall.

Fall further, and then somehow rise again.

Who could survive rhinestone?

He's not human, I tell you!

Anyway, let's look at some clips.

The first is my legendary interview with Cher.

You no good...

You...Piece...

Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed...

A very classy lady.

Now, to help me celebrate my 1,000th show,

we have a very special guest, meryl...

Streep canceled!

Merrily, we roll along to a commercial.

Don't worry. We have t.V.'S Batman, Adam west, standing by.

Adam west?

What the hell am I gonna say to Adam w...

- -ell, I'll say, thank you

for the years of laughter and tears.

What tears would those be?

Why, tears of laughter.

Ha-ha.

Oh!

Tell us all about your amazing film career.

Well, Jay, one of my most amazing films

is the happy hooker goes Hollywood.

It came out in 1980.

It's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.

All right. Thank you. We're out of time.

I just got here.

Coming up next...

Lorne Greene.

Lorne Greene's dead.

Man, I wish I had his agent.

The place is empty.

Are you sure you sent out enough invitations?

We sent them to everyone

who's ever worked in film or television.

Did you ever hear of a thing called radio?

Fibber McGee sent you this fruit basket.

Feh!

Oh, and you also got this card from your makeup lady.

"Dear Mr. sherman,

"if it weren't for an untimely death in my family,

i would have been at your party. Doris."

Come on! Spin!

Yes!

Son, you're losing it.

There was a day when this room would've been 1/3 full.

Well, you know what the problem is?

You've made me compromise my integrity so many times,

people think I'm a joke.

Jay, you've got a very valid point.

But on the other hand, shut up!

Sir, yes, sir!

Your problem is you're starting to repeat yourself.

Rainman...

A few good men...

The firm...

Is the latest stinker from tom cruise.

He doesn't act anymore.

He's on cruise control.

I just... I just made that up!

Hotchie motchie!

Bottom line, Jay, your show's in serious trouble.

Oh, Mr. sherman,

I'm Paulina Simms, president of your fan club.

Wow! My own fan club. Hear that?

I have all your albums and teen beat interviews.

Would you sing the theme from

here come the brides, for me, please?

Wait a minute.

You think he's Bobby sherman.

Shh!

how are you?

yeah!

Oh!

What's the matter, mate?

You look like a busker who's lost his didgeridoo.

What does that mean?

I forget, I left Australia when I was 4.

I'm worried that I'm losing it.

I'm 36 years old. I'm not what I used to be.

When I was in college, man,

I could go at it all night long.

It's lap 397 in the Jay sherman 500!

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

Vroom!

Hey, Jay, we broke my bed.

Could we use yours?

Ok, but your car is 4 laps behind.

Ah, loser.

Now I'm sitting by, watching my career fade to black.

Don't worry. It's not how old you are.

It's how old people think you are.

Excuse me, are you the late enrico caruso?

No!

Listen, because you're my friend and I love you,

I'll let you in on a little secret.

I'm actually 43 years old.

You're 43 years old?

Tonight on hard copy:

Jeremy hawke caught in love nest

with the queen mother and rose Kennedy.

Viewer disclaimer: For purposes of infotainment,

rose and the queen will be played by the Barbie twins.

Hey, I don't want to say Jeremy hawke is old.

But when he went to the d.M.V. To get his driver's license,

there was no line.

Hey, that's old, man. Whoa!

I haven't seen a wave this big

since delta Burke did a belly flop

into Shelly winters' jacuzzi.

Listen, Jay, I'm gonna give you something that's gonna change your life.

"Adolf hitmaker, personal image consultant"?

Go for it, mate.

Climb the highest eucalyptus tree you can find.

Guzzle life's beer till you chunder.

Wow! That is really inspiring.

Yeah, I gave that speech in my after-school special:

Days of beer and chundering.

Hmm. Where to begin?

I know, you're going to tell me to lose weight.

Don't you dare.

If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly,

like Santa claus or rush limbaugh!

You mean I can eat whatever I want?

Wow!

You're not just some quack, are you?

A quack? Could a quack have escaped

from a mental hospital in the Philippines?

I don't think so.

Even for a sequel, refried green tomatoes

is a delicious treat!

Coming up next, the latest from John candy.

Mmm. Don't mind if I do.

Check it out. Ebert ate siskel.

That Adolf hitmaker does good work.

And each t.V. Comes with state-of-the-art, digitally enhanced sound.

Now, don't worry, Mr. sherman.

This liposuction machine will promptly remove

all excess fat.

Ice cream man!

Hey, that's my chair!

We're cutting back.

Just lost 3 more sponsors.

You can't be taking my chair to save money!

All right. I'm taking it to spite your low-rated,

Spielberg-hating, toilet seat-destroying butt!

Don't listen to him, my pet.

Listen, pufnstuf, you want to save your show,

you've got to come up with some better material!

Doris, I do not want to be disturbed for the next 2 hours.

I'm going to be sitting in my office without any clothes on.

Well, there goes the very last of my sex drive.

No. You don't understand. Being naked inspires me artistically.

Ernest Hemingway, he used to write standing up.

Agatha christie used to write in the bathtub while eating apples.

Please, keep talking.

The spray makes me feels like I'm at coney island.

Whatever comes now, comes from deep within my soul.

I...

Feel cold.

I...