Never Steady, Never Still

My first child died inside me, inside my swollen womb.

The doctor said it was her heart,

it wasn't growing like it should've.

My mom said to me then that death is not cruel,

death is a gift from god, just as life is.

And then there was ed,

the still babe held tight to his chest,

he looked thin and pale as the underside of a leaf.

And I knew then that it must have been my heart

that could not fill her heart properly,

'cause I can see her tiny fist between the folds of the cloth

and I know she was anything but weak.

Okay, let's give the legs a little break

and work on our upper body.

Stretch your hands up as wide as you can up to the sky,

prayer hands and snowflakes coming down,

snowflakes coming down, snowflakes coming down.

And one more time reach up as high as you can.

Reach, reach, reach and snowflakes coming down.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

One more time, one more time, feels so good.

Reach up prayer hands and then snowflakes coming down.

Oh, good, good, good.

Okay, imagine you have a giant ball in your hand.

Reach to the side and to the other side

and get your ribcage involved and scoop way up with one hand

and reach beautiful.

Just majestically, you're a ballerina dancer.

Yes, reaching, reaching, reaching.

Really good.

- You want some tea, dear? -Say what?

You want some tea, dear?

Yeah, I'd love some, thank you.

Oh, here.

Got it.

- Here. - Yes.

Oh.

Guess I got a little drinking problem.

I spoke to don today.

Yeah, and?

Yeah, they need young guys.

I was afraid they might.

It'll be good for him.

He's gotta grow up sometime, look after himself.

Least he'll have money in his jeans.

I kinda like brushed one with my hand,

like this, but I didn't like

stick my finger up in it or anything.

Yeah, it's like a cave or somethin' up there.

Like a fish mouth.

But it was good, right?

It felt good?

Yeah.

Get you kinda hard and shit?

I guess, ya.

Makes me hard just thinkin' about it.

Yeah, I don't know.

Like i-- I like to fuck and shit, you know?

What?

Who did you fuck?

Laura!

Yeah, right?

Fuck Laura.

Yeah, right?

I did!

Shut up.

Okay, I like to fuck for sure, you know?

For sure, for sure.

It's just all that other stuff.

Eddie?

Come here for a sec.

Sure.

- Do ya up? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, here.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Here we go.

Yup.

You're gonna go in and see don camdon today, right?

Maybe.

Maybe, what do you mean maybe?

I mean I'm busy is what I mean.

Well, you don't look busy.

Look clearly I've got shit to do, okay?

Well, here's the thing,

I told don that you're coming in today.

Why?

You could see if they need help at the auto shop you know,

if you like instead.

Yeah, you know, just talk to Glen.

I don't wanna talk to Glen, mom.

It's not a life sentence, Jamie.

It's a job.

Wash your bowl please.

Jamie?

Come on in, son.

18, you say?

You ready to find some hair on that chest, are ya?

Worked on a drilling rig before?

No.

A camp, logging camp, something?

I worked at the mill for a while.

Oh yeah, what happened there?

What do you mean?

Well, you don't work there anymore.

No one does.

But you only worked there for a month.

Yeah.

I kinda uh, i kinda messed up the forklift.

You scared of heights?

Don't think so.

Don't think so?

I guess I've not done a lot of climbing.

Not as a kid, climbing trees and that?

Yeah, I guess I did that.

So were you scared then?

No.

Alright then.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

On the lease?

Doin' what kid?

Think about where you're gonna excel.

Maybe it could be a tool push.

Is that right?

We got your piss already, didn't we?

Squeaky clean, are ya?

Criminal record?

No.

So you movin' out there?

Guess so, yeah.

When are you going?

Couple weeks, I don't know.

Give me a smoke.

I don't know.

What?

It's you I'm worried about.

Why's that?

You're gonna turn into some fucking hipster-shit asshole

or something.

What am I supposed to do, stay here?

You could blow me.

Even your jokes don't make fuckin' sense.

Fuck that.

Mom?

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning the oven dear.

Oh, okay.

You're up early.

I think you've all experienced this by now,

maybe you're having trouble speaking,

people tell you to speak up, ask you to repeat yourself.

As your voice is getting softer,

the words just don't come as easy now.

- Right? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm seeing some nods here.

Okay, so today we're gonna imagine

all those people leaning in

and saying "speak up, speak up, speak up!"

We're gonna imagine punching them in the face

with our voice, okay?

So sit up nice and straight and as loud as we can,

all together now,

1, 2, 3...

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Good, I think I was Nadine was the loudest that time.

Good, now push the air out with your tummy,

ha-ha-ha.

Right in there, okay?

Ha-ha-ha.

Knock 'em out.

Okay, we're gonna go again.

1, 2, 3...

15-2, 15-4, there ain't no more.

Yeah.

Four.

3, 6, 8, 10, and a pair is 12.

Oh boy, this stuff is strong, len.

Care for a refill?

She's had enough.

I haven't even finished yet.

Okay, I got nothin'.

Your deal, ma'am.

Oh yeah, okay.

- Want me to do it? - Yeah.

So, Eileen, she's been around lately?

Nah.

Then good thing you didn't marry that one

is all I'd say.

Boy.

Well, I married her alright.

Oh Christ.

Oh Lenny, you did not!

He did.

Uh, she always wanted to get it done in the summer

and I said, "heck, let's just head on down in kamloops

and get it done.

She gonna divorce you, that's gonna be the question.

You got that, right?

3, 6, oh.

Quit lookin' at my cards.