Solar Opposites

This is it. The final trial.

Oh! Ah...

I didn't think I'd bond with anyone out here.

I'm gonna fix the Silvercops from the inside.

It's bullshit. They won't let us become Silvercops.

- Then you tap out! -

- - You fucked up, son.

That you did.

Your asses belong to the Silver Army,

you Silvergrunts.

- -

Listen up, grunts.

We'll be making planetfall in T-minus three minutes.

You'll be joining the war against the Scourge,

an alien race of soulless, ruthless automatons.

These psychotic fucks are spreading across the galaxy,

pillaging resources

and enslaving populations.

Tomblr, th-th-th-this is insane. We have to get outta here.

Don't talk to me, Dodge. You aren't my friend.

- Don't fuckin' talk to me either. - I wasn't going to.

I'm not here to make friends,

and I definitely won't have your back

when we get into battle.

All I care about is killing Horseys

and wearing their balls on a chain around my neck!

Jesus, Zobert.

You went from zero to trophy-kill way too fast.

Lock and load, grunts.

Just know that I will be with you every step of the...

- -

Eat shit, you four-legged fucks!

- -

- Oh, my God. - Run, run, run!

- -

- -

Look, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for telling you

to fuck off, like, a minute ago.

I-I really feel like we-we're gonna become good friends now

and maybe we'll even share our backstory.

- - Oh, my God!

No one can finish a sentence around here!

According to the Norton Antivirus Malware-mometer,

JK Sevens is sick.

As soon as he said "boop" instead of "bwap,"

I knew something was wrong.

Well, let's put him on the curb

and schedule a bulky item pickup.

Should we call Terry and Korvo?

No. They're seeing Avatar 4: The Na'vi Three Day Weekend

at the AMC Extended Stay.

That movie's 72 hours long,

and they made us promise not to interrupt

a single Zoë Saldana second.

Well, if they come home and JK's dead,

we'll never get our phones back.

It's so uncool of them to take our phones away

just because we never, ever do anything they tell us to do.

- -

Agh! He's got SD cards and screws comin' out both ends.

My buttholes!

They blew off all my buttholes!

We're all just chickens for the choo-choo.

"Chickens for the choo-choo"?

Oh, this situation's so FUBAR,

I can't think of clichés.

It's horrifying.

If we can survive long enough, maybe we can escape.

I'm not escaping. We have a mission.

We have to defeat the Scourge and free this planet.

Dude, this war is bullshit.

Maybe. But if we prove our mettle here,

we'll be heroes,

and then they'll have to make us Silvercops.

Are you serious?

How could you still want to be a Silvercop

after they shipped us to the ass pit of the universe?

Because I don't quit when things get tough, Dodge.

Though I guess you do!

How long have you had that in your back pocket,

you turkey-lookin' motherfucker?

Look alive, Silver shits.

That's the guy from before. That's the guy from training.

- Shut up! Shut up! - I'm the new CO of this unit

and, yes, my second head was killed in action.

I'm sure he's interjecting something snarky and supportive

from the great beyond.

Okay, enough of that. We got a mission, people.

Our Silver Spies have learned about a secret

Horsey munitions facility.

We need two volunteers to locate the base,

infiltrate it, and activate this.

A homing beacon.

The signal will allow us to precision bomb the base,

obliterating it without damaging the minerals

in the surrounding area.

Minerals like Goo Rock,

Star Rubies,

and Gatoradium.

Valuable shit.

I'm not gonna lie,

this is a suicide mission.

But apparently that term is bad for morale,

so we're calling it

"Super Cool Chill Hero Time" instead.

Whatever dumbass goes on this has a death wish.

Sergeant, I'd like to volunteer!

Tomblr! Did you not hear what I just muttered?

Yeah, but like I said, we have to prove our mettle.

Happy to hear it, Private. Now we just need one more.

Perhaps a best friend from bootcamp?

Who maybe also looks like a tall dog?

I think he's talking to you.

Fine. I'm in, too.

You're all gonna die and rot in hell!

Ha! Guess he wasn't as dead as I thought.

But he's definitely dead now.

Hey hey, great to see the Opposites family again.

I can only assume Korvo died

from the whole turning to goo thing a few years ago.

- Poor bastard. - No, he's alive and totally fine.

Wow. I was sure he was a goner.

Please help us, doctor. Our robo is sick.

Well, I have no idea how to fix robots,

but I did once treat a woman named Alexa for a yeast infection.

A machine's just a person with no blood, so let's take a look.

- - Hmm.

Nurse, bring in the Samba.

You have a robot vacuum for the office?

We get to keep whatever we remove from people's butts.

- -

Whoa, that was awesome!

Just as I suspected.

He's a battle-bot, and he's sick

because he hasn't been fulfilling his core function of,

in strict medical terms, kicking robot ass.

I'm recommending JK start battle-boting

as soon as possible.

What's this prescription then?

That's not a prescription. It's a gamer tag.

In case you ever want to get owned in Call of Duty.

- -

Feel free to turn back anytime.

I wish I could,

but someone has to keep your ass from getting killed.

I am perfectly capable of killin' my own ass.

I mean, assing my own kill.

I mean whatever! It doesn't matter!

Uh, any of you know Lieutenant Zergecchio?

He's supposed to guide us through

the Yummy Carrot Rainbow Gulch.

Oh, we have a special name for that place.

The Death Gulch.

'Cause people die there?

No, because people die there.

If you want Zergey, he's over there.

Zergecchio?

Well, we can't find this base if we don't have a guide.

Better head back.

C-c-come on, man. That's not back.

You better be looking for another trench.

Ugh.

God, I'm starving. I'd kill for a scrotum leech right now.

Let's take a break. I have to use the little Tomblr's room.

The little... Ugh.

Just go. Don't try to make it funny. Just pee.

- -

- -

- -

- -

I wasn't looking for scrotum leeches.

What the fuck happened to you?

Let's... Let's just go.

Hopefully, JK can get some of the battle-boting

out of his system here.

I just don't want these robos to hurt him.

Okay, JK. Do your thing.

JK's got his mojo back!

He was my only friend!

Come on, dude. What happened back there?

You're all haunted and shit now.

I don't want to talk about it.

Wow, this must be Yummy Carrot Rainbow Gulch.

I don't know what those grunts we're talking about.

I'm not getting death vibes at all.