Love Life

LOVE LIFE

Our love lives can quite easily be reduced to data.

For instance,

by the time the average person ends up with the love of their life,

they will have been in seven relationships.

Of those, two are often long-term relationships,

while the rest are a mix of short-term flings, casual dating,

and one-night stands.

The average person will also fall in love two of those times

and have their heart broken twice as well.

Yet behind all of those numbers, there is always a much bigger story.

This is the story of Darby Carter.

Darby doesn't remember her parents ever being married.

They got divorced when she was four, and she spent her childhood

being shuttled back and forth between their new houses and new families.

- Coward. Won't even come to the door. - It's fine, Mom.

This made Darby feel like a permanent hotel guest,

one who couldn't stay past 12:00 checkout.

Hi, Larry.

As a result, Darby's adolescence

was marked by myriad misguided attempts at connection.

- You didn't have to walk me home. - But my house is just up there.

- I didn't know you lived up here. Bye. - Bye.

Darby had no idea where she was, and she was so nervous that

this young man would find out she'd been lying

that she took an anxiety poo in his family's yard.

When Darby moved to New York for university,

she imagined she'd become a cosmopolitan woman.

In reality, it was fun, but slightly empty.

Get the curtain.

Darby started to wonder if she'd ever reach the next level,

where you're really dating someone,

where you don't change your outfit just because you're seeing the person,

where you just wear what you're wearing because you are who you are.

And then she met Augie Jeong.

ONE AUGIE JEONG

All right, baby girl.

This is the hottest you have ever looked in your entire life.

- I'm serious. - These are your clothes.

What is it like to be an actual goddess ?

Oh, my God. I'm PMS-ing. It's been dark since 4:00 p.m. I'm in no mood, man.

Yeah, and I have a UTI, but it's Jim's birthday, so we gotta rally.

All I'm doing for his birthday is, like, karaoke and a blow job,

so they both have to be really good.

I would never miss Jim's birthday.

I would, however, make a polite appearance and then skip out early.

You are killing me. Once you leave,

it's just gonna be his work friends talking about Occupy Wall Street.

Hey, you ladies are looking good.

- We know, bro. - Eat shit, motherfucker.

And I was thinkin' 'bout myself Then there she was

In platform double suede. Yeah, there she was.

I think Jim wants to fuck that Zooey Deschanel wannabe.

Shut up. He's so in love with you.

No, I know he is, but I still think he wants to fuck her.

People can love people and still fuck other people.

- You done with the book ? - What ?

Did you pick a song yet ?

Okay, fuck this.

Sorry.

Hey, bitch. Excuse me. All right, titty boy.

- Yeah, I don't know. - No, no. We can look together.

- I'm Augie, by the way. - Darby.

- Furby ? - Darby.

Yeah, I know. I've gotten Furby before, at Starbucks a lot.

Right ? The names that I've gotten on my cups...

I smell sex and candy.

- Wow, Jim's girlfriend's on one, huh ? - Sara ?

Yeah, she can't handle her liquor, but she drinks every night anyway.

Cool. So she's an alcoholic.

No ! No.

I mean, she's, if we were older,

maybe, but right now, she's just, like, so fun.

Mama this surely is a dream.

I actually have a song up next, if you wanted to duet, perhaps ?

- You already picked one ? - Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding. Oh, this part I know.

- Keep, keep bleeding love. - Happy birthday, Jim !

I keep bleeding. I keep, keep bleeding love.

- I mean, I know a little bit. - Keep bleeding.

Keep, keep bleeding.

- New York classic. - Oh, boy.

People just say things like "New York classic."

Well, this is me.

I'm glad I got you home safe. These mean streets.

I'm trying to think of something else to say.

Well, I should...

I should...

My other roommate, Mallory, like, literally lives in this alcove thing.

Yeah, so...I promise this isn't, like, a move,

but is it cool if we hang out in my room ?

Yeah.

I mean, they've been divorced for 20 years or something. So what about you ?

My parents were the complete opposite.

High school sweethearts that are somehow still in love.

That's nice.

But they're Satanists, so I guess it's not all good, right ?

- Balances out, you know ? - Yeah, that's fair.

Are you losing on purpose ? This is so pathetic.

Well, I mean, to be honest with you, I'm pretty sure you made this game up.

- Oh, I did not. How dare you ? - I don't know what I'm doing here.

- This is a very popular game. - Who's played this game before ?

I've explained this to lots of people, and nobody has ever critiqued me

as a teacher. They say it's so fun.

So I don't know. You're the first...

- I do want to hear about this game. - I'm gonna tell you.

- Oh, yes. I can... - Yeah, it's... Yeah.

- What ? - You're bony.

- What ? - I mean...

You have, like, a surprisingly slender, fit body.

Thank you.

Oh, no, don't, don't. I'm sweaty.

It's okay. I like it.

- Like, embarrassed. - Babe, you were good. It was good.

- Hey. - Oh, hey. Good morning, bud.

- Good morning. - Hey.

- Do you have coffee here ? - I could make another pot.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'll go out and grab some. Just gonna...

Oh, yeah, go for it. It's communal.

- Hey, morning. - Hi.

I had a lot of fun last night.

'Cause you had a good time. It was fine for me. Whatever.

Anyway, I have to..

I have to go play basketball with some buddies.

Yeah, I have to knit scarves with the other Army wives.

- Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Nice. - Yeah.

Do you want my number, or...

I'm just gonna leave it all up to chance, you know ?

I think I got a $5 bill. You seen "Serendipity ?"

That's a solid reference, man.

Okay.

Bye.

- Okay, seriously. - Okay, okay.

- Like, that's enough. - I'll leave, I'll leave.

All right, I'm leaving.

- See you, Jimbo. - See you at work, buddy.

- See you, Sara. - Bye.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. What just happened ?

Excuse me.

Do I have a husband now ? Is he my husband ?

I just... Is that how that works ?

Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you're taking it slow.

I'm just excited. Be happy for me.

- Jim. - Come on, Jim. Please.

- So serious, Jim. - Please be happy for me.

- I can't think straight. - Help me, please.

All I can do is smell these bath salts that I got...

- Morning. - Oh, hey.

Darby. Thank God. I need a woman to look at these.

Which font do you like for the escort cards ? This one or this one ?

- The left one. - Yes. See ?

Told you, babe. Whatever one you want.

Oh, God, honey, have an opinion. It is your wedding too.

Okay. Speaking of which, Darby,

do you plan on bringing someone to the wedding ?

Not to pressure you or anything.

- Yeah. - New boyfriend ?

I don't know. Maybe.

Explains why you look like shit this morning.

Okay. All right. Let's leave her alone.

- See you at home. - Bye, Kate.

Darby, your first tour today is some assholes from Gawker.

Oh, fuck you. Gawker ? What do I like about this job ?

Maybe 'cause you get to say "fuck you" to your boss ?

Very true. All right.

Day 1

That whole day, Darby was buoyant. Who knew when she'd see Augie again,

but for now, she was walking on air,

alive with the glow of a new connection.

The next day, that glow began to wear off, and she hadn't heard from him,

so Darby went to great lengths to keep herself busy,

deciding it was time to color-code her book collection.

Hey.

Do you think I should do, like, an accent wall in here ?

- What kind of accent ? - I mean, just like...

- Australian ? - Oh, my God.

That's not helpful. You know what I'm going through.

- Darby, I'm an accent wall. - I hate you.

The third day was harder. Darby sunk into an awful apprehension.

Why hadn't Augie texted ? Was she boring ? Was her body weird ?

Darby's brain started doing mental gymnastics,

coming up with ways she could casually run into him.

Honestly, like, at this point, I'm kind of pissed.

I'm tempted to, like, just go to Politico and confront him.

Okay, Darby, look, I love you,

but do remember that's my place of work, okay ? So keep that in mind.

- No, please, do it. - Thank you. She thinks it's funny.

I would never. I would never ! Mostly. Maybe.

Are those dates ?

Okay, so date farmers are on strike in Mexico,

so technically, you guys are like scabs.

You know what, Jim ? We don't need that from you.

On the fourth day of radio silence, Darby buried herself in her work.

Very special tour, the butt tour !

- I'm tired. How long is this tour ? - It is two full hours. Get ready.

Fuckin' heels.

Okay. We're gonna start over here. This super cute muscular bronze butt.

This Greek bronze butt is very rare

because when Romans took over Greek dominions,

they knew how valuable the bronze was the sculptures were made of,