The Righteous Gemstones

On the magical street filled with holiday cheer

Whoo-ooh!

Look at that. Sitting on Santa's lap.

Yes.

You're gonna be the number one elf.

You're his number one elf.

Whoo!

Hey, Gloria, why you dragging behind, man?

Come on, let's go. Show some hustle.

God, we gonna miss all the good deals.

I swear to God, every time I turn around,

it's like you damn got lost staring off into space.

Fuckin' space cadet.

All right, look here, Harmon.

Now, you gonna pick out your own gift today.

None of this guessing shit.

I ain't gonna let Santa Claus take all the credit neither.

Now, the gift you get today-- look at me, son--

is from your daddy.

Now, we can go anywhere in this entire mall.

We can go to Chess King, we can go to Sam Goody's,

we can go to The Body Shop.

You name it.

Well, we can get a pet at the shelter for free

instead of supporting this puppy-mill shit.

Are you a cat boy or a dog boy, Harmon?

Some people might think they're both,

but you got to be one or the other.

Now, that's just a fact.

Now, which one are you?

Aw, he a cat boy.

Gloria, go to the back and get the manager.

You gonna buy Harmon a cat today.

Trust me, he's gonna need it.

Go.

You like them kittens?

Beep beep.

Yeah, beep beep, buddy.

Hey, Harmon, look here. Look at me.

Now, son,

you're always gonna remember this Christmas.

But no matter what, I will always be your daddy.

Always.

Just like these genuine pair of Oakleys,

there is no substitute for the original.

You hear me?

Come here.

Oh, yeah.

You got the goods, boy.

I love you, son.

You wait right here for your mama.

Praise

Praise

I'm already so anxious.

Your family's so fucking tedious to deal with, BJ.

What? Tedious?

They only visit, like, once a year.

Still, it's too much.

This is not what I envisioned for myself.

In-laws.

I always thought I would marry a orphan with a dead family

so I didn't have to deal with this shit.

- Being married is learning to compromise.

You know, I'm getting baptized

even though I'm not 100% solid on it

because I know how important it is

to you and your family.

- You are killing me right now.

Not 100% solid?

BJ, I organized a massive celebration.

I got a DJ coming in from Vegas.

My daddy's gonna baptize you personally.

What, now you're having doubts?

Inviting weird people?

- "Weird people"? You mean my family?

Why are they even coming, BJ?

They're fucking filthy atheists.

They're intellectuals.

People of reason and science.

I mean, part of it, I'm sure, is morbid curiosity,

but for the most part, they support me.

They're good folks, Jude.

- Well, it is not ideal that your mom is a divorcée

and that Ken is just a stepdad.

- My biological father was abusive.

We left in the middle of the night in 1990.

You know that. - I know. I know.

I'm just saying wishes.

- Well-- - BJ!

- KJ! - Oh, my son, I've missed you.

Hugs. - Hey.

- Aww. Hey, Ken, looking good.

- BJ-- - Fucking kidding me.

- Looking better than good. Oh, my God.

- Hey, Ken. Sup, dog?

- These are lovely accommodations.

- Well, we just wanted you guys to be comfy.

- I mean, we probably could have stayed

in a couple of the 14 bedrooms at your mansion, but--

- Oh, actually, KJ, you couldn't have,

'cause we have guests right now.

My uncle and his wife.

- Crazy to spend money on lodging.

I mean, just two people?

- Well, it is just two people, Ken,

but my uncle's wife is special needs.

Yeah, she's basically a feral person.

And she's also pregnant.

So y'all want to give them their space.

- Yeah. - Pregnant, ooh.

Maybe it'll rub off and give you two

some baby fever.

- Oh, Mom, stop. - Oh, you can go fuck yourself.

Baby fever isn't real.

- Still would have been nice to stay

at the infamous Gemstone compound.

You're at a baptism.

It's not a vacation,

where, like, you stand around and gawk at things.

You wouldn't expect to look at shit

if this was a circumcision.

If BJ was getting his dick cut off,

you wouldn't be all, like,

"Hey, we want to stay in your house."

You'd be like, "This is important.

This is about God."

Same diff.

Pretty great hotel, huh?

- Oh! - Bam!

Oh, my God!

- Hit that sweet spot. - Whoo!

- Boy, we have been having some epic hangs, huh?

Oh, we sure have.

With each hang, stronger and stronger bonds, huh?

It's funny,

'cause a business relationship enhances a friendship,

'cause then there's respect and admiration.

- Yeah, I ain't proud of this, but some of my regular friends,

like the ones we don't do deals with,

I don't know, I just feel myself thinking

they're dumb.

Eh, not dumb. That's not PC.

I just feel sorry for them. - Mm-hmm.

- I don't think you need to feel sorry for them.

You know, maybe they're just dealing with things

outside of their control.

You know, that's true.

You never know what somebody's going through.

You know, whether it's financial troubles

or family cock blocks.

- Right. - Who wants to look

at some pool shapes for Zion's?

I know I do. Bam!

Infinity pool, old-school kidney bean--

Lyle--Lyle, uh, look.

I'll admit, there is nothing in this world

I would rather do than discuss pool shapes with you,

but, uh...

I just feel like I gotta tell y'all something first.

Hey, Jesse, are you crying?

No.

Well, concerning the money,

it looks like Amber and I are falling a little short

of what we need for the Zion's investment.

I don't think we can pull it off.

You don't have $10 million?

- The Gemstones are worth, like, 600 million.

I looked it up on Bing.

- That's my daddy. That's not us.

I mean, one day it will be,

but sadly, right now it is not.

He's not helping?

Did you ask him? - Oh, yeah.

He's trying to teach me a lesson,

telling me I gotta figure it out on my own.

- Well, this genuinely sucks, Jesse!

You told us you were in. You gave us your word.

You promised a commitment.

- Let me ask your dad for the money.

- He'll say yes to Lyle. - No, it won't work.

It's not gonna work. - Well, you ask him again.

- Well, I already asked him bunches.

It's-- - Damn it, man!

Joe Jonas and his wife were just telling me

how cool they thought you were.

- What? - Yeah.

This is so disappointing, man.

We got along so good with y'all.

- Well, that doesn't need to change, does it?

I mean, we can still remain on this pathway

to becoming very close friends.

We'll catch y'all on the next investment dealio.

We would love that.

There isn't another one.

This is the only one, Jesse.

See you in the car, baby.

- Do y'all think you can cover two beers and some peanuts?

I think peanuts are free.

- Who wants to go on a mission?

In 15 hours, we shall walk the Judean Desert