Bored to Death

"To save himself and the blonde,

Harry slapped the large bag of cocaine into the air.

Then Harry sent his fist,

which was the size of a small dictionary,

into the drug dealer's throat.

- Ames here. - Jonathan, it's leah.

Oh hi, leah.

I'm in your neighborhood. Could I come by?

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Here?

The place is very grey gardens at the moment.

- I've been writing. - Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll be right over.

How's Ray?

He's, um...

Making the best of it.

- Let's take a break. - Okay.

I want to take a picture.

Red hook is so weird and beautiful.

Okay.

I could've been somebody.

What? You are somebody.

You created Super Ray.

No, it's marlon Brando.

It's a little lesser known line.

"On the waterfront" was set in red hook.

Cool. I didn't know that. I like Brando.

I wish he wasn't dead.

Kiss?

- What are you doing now? - Oh, I'm tweeting our photo.

None of my friends believe I'm dating you.

Tweeting? So cute.

Yo, are those ears real?

Of course they are.

- What, is it Christmas? - What's it to you, gaylord?

Yo, nothing, man. Elves are cool.

You are the sexiest guy I have ever met.

I know.

So here's a picture of little Ray.

We got him from a rescue shelter.

I'll need this for my investigation.

Why'd you name him little Ray?

The girls said that he and Ray have the same eyes.

I guess I can see that... a certain sadness.

So tell me again what happened from the beginning.

As a Detective I need all the details.

Also I'm a little stoned.

Okay. So I tied him up outside the pharmacy

just for a second and when I came out he was gone.

- Oh my God. - So when I got home the phone rings

and this man says, "I have little Ray."

'Cause my number was on his dog collar.

I was like, "oh my God, thank you."

Then he says all cold, "how much for him?"

Ransom for a dog.

I know this world is insane, but still...

So I blurted out stupidly "40 bucks"

and he hung up and he hasn't called back.

The girls are heartbroken, crying every night.

It's okay. I'll find him.

I don't want your girls to be upset.

They've already lost one Ray.

They shouldn't lose two.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I-I... I'm stoned and tipsy. - I'm also tipsy.

Oh... Jonathan, I can't believe that almost happened.

We only leaned. A lean means nothing.

I do it naturally all the time.

I have bad posture from depression. I just...

you're right, you're right. It was only a lean.

But you know, I should go.

- Oh, I feel guilty. - Me too, me too.

But we were just projecting our love for Ray onto each other.

Right. So you'll try to find little Ray?

Of course. But, leah,

should we actually kiss

so that our guilt doesn't go to waste?

- I've always thought you were very beautiful. - Jonathan!

It's Ray!

Do you think he knows? Is that...

Jonathan, don't be paranoid.

Let's just pretend like nothing happened,

which will be easy, because nothing did happen.

Well, I'm sorry about the nothing that didn't happen

and, leah, I will find little Ray for you.

She's a nice kid, but it's just hard to be in public

with a girl that's got elf ears.

She lent me her huge bike, which is nice.

Does she have other elf organs?

No. That's what I thought.

I thought she'd have fairy dust down there or something.

Completely normal from the neck down.

But I feel bad when I kiss her.

All I do is think about leah

and how her ears are regular.

I saw le today.

What? Where? Did she say she misses me?

Yeah, she misses you.

I saw her at my place.

- Why? - She needs my help as a Detective.

What does she want you to do?

She got the girls a dog, but it was stolen.

The guy who took it had the audacity

to ask for ransom, but she lowballed him.

She does have a secret cheap side.

The whole time we were together

not once did she raise my allowance. Go ahead.

Anyway, she lowballed him and he hung up the phone.

I guess he must have sold the dog or something,

but leah wants me to try to find him.

What a bastard,

wanting money for a lost dog.

I don't know if you're gonna like this,

but leah and the girls named the dog

little Ray.

Yeah, I like that.

It means they miss me.

- What kind of dog is it? - He's a... oh here.

- Not the most... - Good God.

That is one ugly pooch.

With that scrunched face he looks like an alien.

He's got nice eyes though.

- Yeah. - So how are we gonna find this gargoyle?

- Our last flier. - Now what,

besides getting a drink?

Now we wait.

Either the jerk who grabbed little Ray

will come out from under his rock to collect the reward.

Or if he sold the dog, maybe that person will call us.

- What'll it be? - One budweiser

and a glass of your worst white wine

for my friend, on me.

You know, George is having his surgery tomorrow.

I know. Poor George. Such a good guy.

Shouldn't have shot me that time,

but he always picks up the check.

- Thanks. - Cin cin.

After this, I got to go home and finish my short story

for "the new yorker" contest.

- What's the gist of it. - It's about a p. I. Named Harry Parker.

It's a Pulp Fiction take on how I beat those drug dealers in prospect park.

I turned Greene into a femme fatale...

- a sexy blonde. - Greene would make a good woman.

- He has nice hips. - Huh.

Oh hey, perfect timing.

Do you think that I'll need two bathrobes?

Well, you're just staying at the hospital overnight,

- so probably just one. - You're right. I better bring both.

- George. - Oh, very good.

- Oh hi. - Hi.

- Donna, that's Jonathan. - Oh. Oh oh, it's so nice to meet you.

George talks about you all the time.

I'm so sorry about your career struggles.

- Don't... - Right.

I just want to thank you for taking care of George

and his prostate.

Oh, of course. He'll be fine.

I haven't made any surgical errors in years.

- Oh. ( Chuckles ) - I'd better get going. My first surgery's at 10:00.

Okay.

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Dr. Kenwood.

- She seems great. - Yeah, she's lovely.

You all right, George? How are you feeling?

To be honest, I'm a little upset.

The way I see it, I have two options:

One, I come out of this impotent and incontinent;

Or two, I die under anesthesia.

Oh no, please, George, you have to visualize a perfect recovery...

beautiful strong erections,

vitality, controlled urination.

You're absolutely right.

All right, just tell me what's going on with you.

The best positive thinking in life

is thinking of others.

So what's happening?

Distract me.

Well, I finished my story for "The New Yorker" contest.

- I mailed it in this morning. - Tell me the opening lines.

I love opening lines.

"In Harry's hand, the gun looked like a toy.

The gun was big, but his hand was bigger."

I like that.

- Very hardboiled. - Sorry.

- Hello. - Are you the person looking for little Ray?"

Yes, I am.

Yeah, that's the one.

Cute little thing. Beautiful eyes.

That's what I thought. I love his eyes.

They remind me of my nat. That's why I wanted him.

- Nat was your dog? - No, my husband.

He died at the deli last year.

Went for some half-and-half for my coffee, never came back.

I should've just drank it black.

I'm sorry.

You kind of have his build, you know?

Ha. That's what I liked when I was younger...

feel a man's weight.

It helps you forget your troubles.

That's right. A lot of women today, they don't appreciate heft.