8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Sarah Millican,

Bill Bailey,

Rob Delaney,

Nina Conti,

Susie Dent,

and Rachel Riley.

Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

Did you know, for example, 'scoptsy' is a word meaning

the act of self-castration.

Self-castration, that's nuts and then...no nuts.

LAUGHTER

The phrase 24/7 originated in America in the early '80s.

I'm always working 24/7 - 24 hours a month, seven months a year.

LAUGHTER

And, more than one-tenth of English words

are not spelt the way they sound,

absolutely 'fas-kinating'.

LAUGHTER

Right let's get started.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up it's Sean Lock.

APPLAUSE

I'm not saying Sean is grumpy,

but if he were a fairy tale character he'd be Grumplestiltskin.

LAUGHTER

If he were a lawyer, he would be Grumpole of the Bailey,

and if he were a singer, he would be Englebert Grumperdink.

LAUGHTER

And joining Sean tonight, it's Bill Bailey. Hooray!

APPLAUSE

1984 was the first time Bill Bailey appeared on the Edinburgh Fringe

and the last time a fringe appeared on him.

LAUGHTER

Fans of Bill Bailey can make their own model of him

at home by simply taking a boiled egg and rolling it in cat hair.

LAUGHTER

Here's one I made earlier.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There we go.

Can I keep that?

Yes, you can. I don't want to throw it to you, but I can roll it along.

Can you? That's brilliant.

Oh, that looks really creepy.

It does. It's really good.

LAUGHTER

It's quite a remarkable likeness.

What's that? What's that little Bill?

Yes, I know he hates you - but don't worry, I like you.

'I like you'. This is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to take this around when I go on tour,

when I go out in the morning in hotels and they go

"How would you like your egg, sir?", I'm going to go, "Like THIS".

LAUGHTER

OK, and up against them this evening

it's our special guest - Team Captain Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE

Before she became a stand up, Sarah used to work in the Job Centre

in South Shields.

Seems a bit pointless having a job centre in South Shields,

it's like opening a library in Essex.

LAUGHTER

And joining Sarah tonight, it's Rob Delaney.

APPLAUSE

Rob's American. America and Britain are two nations divided by

a common language - for example, we say "tomato", and they say,

"Do these trousers come in an extra large with an elasticated waist?"

LAUGHTER

Now, Sarah, is it true that you once invited your maths teacher

to your birthday party?

Yes.

But not because I'm sad or anything, it was just

so the dinner lady had somebody to talk to.

LAUGHTER

I genuinely did, though. I was 12 and she came with her husband and

my friend bit her husband, so then me mam said I couldn't talk

to me friend any more and after about three or four months me mam realised

that she was the only person I did talk to, so she lifted the ban.

LAUGHTER

You invited your maths teacher and then they came?

Yeah, I think it makes sense.

It's a good problem, it's like, "If Sarah has two friends and one of

"them is her maths teacher how many friends does she have?" None.

LAUGHTER

Now, Rob, you're brilliant on Twitter,

obviously you're a huge star on Twitter, loads of followers.

I've got some of my favourite tweets of yours here.

Well, it's probably best if you read them - you read them. Go on.

LAUGHTER

Here's another one.

LAUGHTER

They're brilliant.

APPLAUSE

Ah, Sean, if you could give the young Sean Lock any advice,

what would it be?

Well, how young?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, let's say 12.

12-year-old Sean Lock, what advice would you give him?

Well, the first thing I'd say is, "Whoa, calm down, it's not a ghost."

LAUGHTER

I'll just say, "Well, don't spend six years training to be

"a Samurai Warrior...

LAUGHTER

..you'll end up on a novelty version of Countdown

and you won't really need that, those skills.

Ah, Bill. Yes.

You and Sean go back a long way, you're friends -

what's Sean like as a friend?

He's a very, very loyal. He'd do anything for you.

He actually gave me a kidney...

LAUGHTER

..it wasn't his.

LAUGHTER

Bill have you got a mascot this evening?

Ah, I've just got this bit of guttering.

LAUGHTER

What you've got there is an amazing slide for an egg.

Yeah, it is.

LAUGHTER

Ohhh.

It's OK, it's hard boiled.

Whoa, ho! Ah!

You thought I was your friend.

No, it turns out...

I'm not. I wanted to see the egg smash.

You thought I was going to save it, didn't you?

I thought you...I thought we were mates.

And I didn't save it. You didn't save my...

I let it smash to the floor.

..my egg face.

Hahahahaaha!

What are you like. Hahaha!

Why have you got guttering?

It's a kind of lucky bit of guttering, it's quite handy,

you know, you can just use it for things, whoo, pretend to be a wand,

roll eggs down it, you know, um, put pens in it, I just keep it.

Can you hit dogs with it?

Yeah, you can.

Well, what you could do, if you get a Pekinese

and get it under the chin like that.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And it wouldn't be able to move

and then you could just roll marbles at it all day long.

That was one of the best Pekinese with marbles in the face impressions

I've ever seen.

HE SCREAMS

I can do a poodle, trapped in a bit of guttering.

OK, poodle.

HE SQUEAKS

LAUGHTER

Bulldog.

I can do basically any animal trapped in guttering.

Giraffe. Giraffe?

Giraffe. All right.

Don't know what the hell I'm doing now.

LAUGHTER

There. Good.

I thought you were going to stand on the chair.

No, no, it was a pygmy giraffe.

LAUGHTER

Sean, do you have a mascot?

I've not got a mascot, Jimmy, but I'm using this opportunity to come

up with new ideas, and I've got this great idea for a restaurant.

You know a lot of restaurants have a kids menu -

they have food for the kids and stuff to entertain the kids -

well, I thought it'd be great to have a restaurant

that has a women's menu,

for the women.

AUDIENCE GASPS

You know? What?

And, it doesn't have, actually, the dishes on -

the starters are done by calories so

"I'll have the 94 calories with the 450 one, and then, for afterwards,

"oh I've been very good, I'll go for the 402 for my pudding."

You know.

Or you can have a special - it's a can of Diet Coke and a Marlboro Light.

I think if I had a cafe, I'd have a Sean Lock menu.

Would you?

And it would just say, get the fuck out of me cafe.

APPLAUSE

I'd have the man's menu, which I think is a great idea.

See I've got here the man's menu, it's like a scratchcard.

LAUGHTER

Then it's got the...here we go, that's what you've got to eat.

Oh, Christ.

Tell you what, this is TV gold this is.

This is meant...there we go, there's lovely toad in the hole there.

Oh.

And then, and then here, while the man's waiting for his food,

he's got something to do.

And there, you know, you get a bit of string and a diagram of a knot,