Multiple Maniacs

Yes, folks, this isn't any cheap X-rated movie or any fifth-rate porno play.

This is the show you want - Lady Divine's Cavalcade of Perversions,

the sleaziest show on earth.

Not actors, not paid impostors,

but real, actual filth who have been carefully screened

in order to present to you the most flagrant violation of natural law known to man.

- Hey, where the fuck are we anyway today? Timonium, I think.

- Where's a match? - We gonna do that pyramid shot like yesterday?

I hope not. I can't take that crap again.

What time's the show start anyway? Where's my blouse?

- Hey, give me my blouse. - Where's Divine? Anybody seen Divine?

Where's Divine?

These assorted sluts, fags, dykes and pimps know no bounds!

They have committed acts against God and nature,

acts that by their mere existence would make any decent person recoil in disgust.

You want to see them and we've got them!

Every possible thing you can think of.

Come on, ladies. Come right up this way.

Come see Lady Divine's Cavalcade. Come on!

- Hmm. What's this? - I don't know.

- Come see the show. -(women chattering)

Master of ceremonies here.

Lady Divine's Cavalcade of Perversions. Step right up.

- What kind of show is it? - Does it cost?

It's free. Absolutely free, this show, yes.

- Do we have time? - We have some time, but I don't know.

Step right in. You have time. See the whole thing.

All right. Come on. Let's go. It's free.

I don't know.

You too. Come on!

Step up. Come on. This is Lady Divine's Cavalcade.

I'm gonna show you a little show, so step right in.

- Do you think we have time before lunch? - Maybe a few minutes.

- This isn't one of those sex shows, is it? - You'll see, sir, you'll see.

- I don't wanna see it. - Come, please. Go right in.

Lady Divine's Cavalcade.

-(patrons gasping, chattering) -(woman moaning, screaming)

Yes! Yes!

What? -(patrons screaming, gasping)

- You're hurting him! - You're hurting him!

Come on in, folks, 'cause it's about ready to begin.

Lady Divine's Cavalcade of Perversions. You can still see the complete show.

What you will see inside of this tent will make you literally sick.

We got it all and we show it all right inside.

Hurry on in, folks, because there's not much time left to see the complete show.

We've got it all, and it's all about to be seen.

You will witness the actual smut sessions of a pornographer and his slut of a girlfriend

as she, in all of her naked depravity, exposes her sacred reproductive organs

to the ever-probing eye of the flash camera.

She must be an addict. They'll do anything!

She's a dyke! Look at those tattoos!

- Ugh! What's this obsession with pornography?

Look at her cunt. -(patrons groaning)

Probably got those crabs.

-(groaning) - Ooh. Looks like she has...

I can smell it all the way over here.

And drinking that - God, that wine.

What a repulsive body! - No wonder she's so fat. Look at her!

No wonder they didn't charge any money to get into this.

-(all chattering) - Cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers!

Cheeseburgers! Only one dollar! Get your burgers here!

- Want a hamburger? - No decent person would act like that.

Decent? Ha! She doesn't know the meaning of the word “decent.”

Cheeseburgers! Cigarettes! Cheeseburgers!

You know, they were right when they said “filth.”

Come on in! You got about three minutes now left to catch The Puke Eater.

He'll lap it right up for you! He loves it!

- Sounds weird. It is.

You're weird! lt's sickening.

I'm not going to Pine Street to see someone puke.

Yeah, but they got puke eaters, lesbians, mental patients and stuff.

Come on. You'll see two actual queers kissing each other like lovers, on the lips.

These are actual queers!

- Ew! Are they really - - They're queers!

- Filthy! - Oh, but he does look masculine.

Oh, but look at George Hamilton!

I've known a couple queers. In fact, I think my hairdresser's a queer.

Ew! Look at that!

Oh, they're actually frenching each other!

-(chattering continues) - They hang at the bus station.

Why can't they like women? - They should be put away for that!

Hospital! Psychiatrist! That's what they need!

Oh, gross! lt's sick!

Why don't they like females?

They wear makeup, I hear.

See an addicted heroin addict

going through the mental and physical agony known as cold turkey.

This particular addict has been hooked for over eight years

and must constantly lie, rape, mug and steal from hardworking wage-earners

in order to satisfy his never-ending crave for hard narcotics.

- Oh, God! - That poor thing!

Watch as this drug-crazed animal

loses all sense of human dignity and decency.

He will literally become a maniac before your very eyes.

Ew! A needle! A needle!

Oh, he's coming in with a needle!

-(groaning continues) - Oh, God, what are we gonna do?

- Oh, no! - Ooh, he's going to shoot himself!

- Oh, God! - No!

That is - That is the most dis -

Oh, my God! - No!

-(patrons screaming, pleading) - Oh, you poor soul!

Got any fives?

- Got any aces? - Go fish.

You got any jacks?

Ricky! Ricky!

- Yes, madam? - Bring me something strong.

Something I can get off on.

You're not ready yet? Jesus, it's time to go. You come on in a few minutes.

- No. - Suppose the cops get here? What then?

You can't keep this set up very long. Suppose somebody reports it.

Will you stop badgering me? My nerves are already a wreck without your nagging.

I'm ready. All I have to do is slip into my outfit.

We've done this enough times before. We don't have to worry about anything happening.

But the cops! All we need is one pork chop patrolman who happens to start nosing around.

It's gotta be quick. We have to hurry.

Oh, fuck the cops. They never bust anybody till the show's over.

- And by then... -(emcee groans)

Ricky! Where's my medicine?

- Which ones are these? - Your diet medication, madam.

Oh.

Thank you, Ricky darling.

- Gilbert! Gilbert. - Yes, madam?

- Roll me a few joints before I go on. - Yes, madam.

Me too. My nerves are a wreck.

We both know nothing can go wrong, but I still can't help but be nervous.

- Oh, darling, just relax. - All those shitheads out there.

Get off! Please! I just wanna see Mr. David! I have an audition!

- Who's that? - Probably the cops -

I came like you told me, to audition.

And you must be Lady Divine. I've heard so much about you.

Oh, boys, please remove this little slut from my presence immediately.

How dare you contaminate my dressing room with this little piece of filth?

She is not. She's an autoerotic, a coprophagiac and a gerontophiliac.

I just thought you might be interested in her for the show, that's all.

Yes, and I can start immediately.

I have this great act worked out with this great old man in his late 70s and this mirror.

Well, actually, he's my uncle, but we used to have kind of a thing together.

I heard about this show. I thought, what an ideal setup.

Get her - Ohh! Get her out of here!

- Please, really! My uncle - - Just get her out!

How can you flaunt your cheap little one-night stands in my face, especially at a time like this?

I just thought you might be interested in her for the show, that's all.

Well, I'm not! Now get her out of here before I pull all those hairs out of her head!

- Come on. - Oh, Jesus.

- You, you fool! -(groans)

You get out there too. lt's time for the show to start. And hand me my hose!

It's been time for the show to start for some time.

- What else do you have to do? - I have to slip into my outfit.

- I told you that once. -(groans)

- All you do is nag. - There are not very many people.

But we'll get them.

- Why can't you leave me alone? - Mmm.

- Are you ready? -(scoffs)

You misunderstand everything I do.

- I misunderstand nothing. - Well, we'll talk about it later.

Yes. Much later.

- Pervert! -(coughing)

Oh, it's horrible!

-(chattering) - Let's get out of here!

- Pervert! - Oh!

- Let's get out of here. - Hey, what is this?

Just a minute. Just a minute.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, you are going to see something

that'll make your eyes pop right our of your head!

Because of so-called guardians of public decency,

we are not permitted to describe to you in any way

the hard-core, live, in-person monstrosity that we have with us tonight.

All I can say, it's a sight that will be not too easily forgotten.

This sight will be branded in your mind forever and ever, this loathsome display.

Ladies and gentlemen, anything else you may have seen will be a mere warm-up

compared to what you are about to see.

You are kindly asked to please follow me into our special display room.

Guess we don't have much choice.

Right this way. There's no extra charge.

Right this way. Don't let them get in his way.

Right up here. Right inside this special display room.

No extra charge whatsoever.

Right in here. Right in here. Right in here.

Come on, ladies, come on. You'll be very happy with this show.

Get right in. Right inside.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I can say no more.

I give you Lady Divine!

Drop 'em, boys!

Quiet! Quiet while I'm speaking!

You will not be injured as long as everyone cooperates.

Kindly hand over all wallets, jewelry, handbags,

any fur items, all loose change

and any narcotics you may be carrying.

We'll cooperate!

The first person to give anybody any shit will be immediately eliminated!

- Oh! We'll cooperate! - She's sick. We'll never get out of here.

- What did you say? - I said you're sick and repulsive!

And you, my dear, are dead!

-(gunshot) -(Screaming)

I said no shit, and I meant it!

Quiet!