Death to 2020

Don't be filming this for one of those causal introductory shots, please.

This shit's demeaning.

So, what is it you guys wanna talk about? What's this for?

It's a look back over the year. We're reliving the events of 2020.

Why in the fuck would you wanna do that?

2020, a year so momentous they named it twice.

A year whose story couldn't be told until now because it was still happening.

With unprecedented access to experts…

If I keep my little assistants down here, that's alright? Good.

…Politicos…

You know you look ridiculous, right?

…Powerbrokers…

- We are ready now. - Just a second.

-…Monarchs… -Mind the chandelier.

Christ.

-…Scientists… -Wait, wait, wait.

Let me just ingest some H20.

-…Psychologists… -I'm gonna smoke.

Y'all got on masks, so what do you care?

…and average citizens.

So, will this be on Quibi?

This is the definitive story of the most historic year in history

through the eyes and minds of those who lived it.

This… is 2020.

I mean really, why?

It's January 1st, and on the day it is born

2020 seems like any other year.

Well, January started out as usual.

The planet was floating in space like it normally does.

But as it began to revolve and loom closer,

you could see there was this immense natural disaster

happening on its backside.

Fire, a radicalized, angry form of air

and one of mankind's oldest foes,

is raging out of control,

subjecting the Australian landscape to an extreme carbon makeover.

The scenes were appalling.

I mean it left these areas utterly inhospitable, even to Australians.

While Australia burns, in the snowy hell that is Switzerland,

an assortment of the world's most powerful people and bastards

arrive at the Davos summit.

Davos is basically Coachella for billionaires.

And this year, pretending to care about climate change was top of the agenda,

so they had Greta Thunberg headlining.

She's this teenage girl who'd become famous

even though everything she says is depressing.

Kind of like Billie Eilish.

Our house is still on fire.

Your inaction is fueling the flames by the hour.

While the junior harbinger speaks,

amongst her audience of powerbrokers is billionaire tech mogul Bark Multiverse.

We are telling you to act

as if you loved your children above all else.

Thank you.

It was powerful.

Usually when a child is shouting for help,

it's best to ignore them in case it's a trap.

No less a man than Jeffrey Epstein told me that.

But this little lady's words hit home.

I realized our whole world could collapse into chaos and disaster,

and here's me, one of the richest people on the planet,

in a position to actually do something about it.

As soon as she finished speaking,

I hit the phone, got my people to buy a mountain in New Zealand,

had it hollowed out, and here we are.

In my survival bunker.

- Don't people call you selfish? - I don't know. It's soundproof.

Meanwhile in America,

President and experimental pig-man Donald Trump

faces the 407th most historic crisis of his presidency.

The US President, you may have heard of him,

he's quite the character, Mr. Trump,

was facing an impeachment trial, which is a traditional ceremony

that Americans perform to work out whether their president has gone off.

Trump was in trouble. What he needed was a distraction,

either something big like a goose flying in through the window,

or something small like World War Three.

Luckily, our military had located this Iranian general, Soleimani,

real military superstar,

the Beyoncé of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard.

The aftermath shows an attack

that was deliberate and sustained.

So, then Trump walks out to announce the hit.

And for fun, he does it in the style of a children's poet

recovering from a brain trauma.

He's been called a monster, and he was a monster.

And he's no longer a monster, he's dead.

Well, of course, the Iranians would have preferred their chap, on the whole,

not to explode.

This almost started World War Three.

And it's only fucking January.

In the UK, everyday citizens celebrate the countdown to Brexit-cide

and the recent installation

of newly-elected Prime Ministerial scarecrow, Boris Johnson.

But others have little to celebrate.

My name is Her Royal Highness,

Queen Elizabeth The First part two.

For the purposes of this recording, you may address me as "Your Majesty."

So, can you remember where you were when you first heard the news…

Your Majesty?

Here in Buckingham Palace,

posing for a banknote portrait.

It was proving tedious,

so I turned to my portable telephone machine for some light relief.

And there on Meghan's Instagram was the announcement.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced that they are carving out

what they call "a new role" for themselves.

In a statement released in the last few minutes,

they say they intend to step back as senior members of the Royal Family.

That must have come as quite a shock.

Well, of course.

And I think that's reflected in the banknote portrait.

Sadly, I believe they felt there is a degree of prejudice in Britain.

Which is why they moved to America,

where race has never been an issue at all.

But the year is about to be dominated by an infinitely bigger story

emerging on the other side of the world.

Residents in Wuhan, China, are succumbing to a mysterious illness,

which at first baffles doctors, then doubles down by killing them.

Scientists in the West can only watch from afar or on television,

both of which are safer.

I have studied viruses for 15 years and consider many of them close friends.

But I have to say, this was the most recent.

The virus itself is an interesting specimen.

On close inspection,

it resembles a revolving alien basketball rendered on a PlayStation 2.

Which is biologically unusual.

As to where it came from, there is a theory it originated in bats,

although how it passed to humans isn't clear and the bats aren't talking.

Except in ultrasonic tones we cannot detect.

The hypothesis is a man had intercourse with a bat

and got bat juice in his pee-pee hole, which festered and took hold.

We have tried replicating this in the laboratory,

but with limited success because…

the bat keeps flying away.

As the outbreak worsens,

Chinese authorities quickly swing into cover-up.

Some doctors caught the virus early on and tried to raise the alarm.

But blowing the whistle while you're on a ventilator?

Ah… that's a big ask.

Meanwhile, the virus has seeped out of China,

turning surrounding areas of the map the color of disease

and ruining a perfectly good atlas.

A full-scale medical emergency is underway.

Nonetheless, in the West,

the average citizen is largely unconcerned.

Yeah, I can't say I was fussed about any of that.

Was that this year?

The pandemic? Yeah.

- How come you're talking to me about this? - You provide human color.

Alright, even I know that's racist and I've not done an awareness course.

No, you're an average person.

We ran a computer search,

and you're one of the five most average people in the world.

Oh.

Thanks.

With the pandemic firmly at the back of Western minds,

the front of Western minds is free to focus on important matters

like the Oscars, which traditionally celebrates Caucasian filmmakers.

This year promises to be different, but isn't.

Yeah, those Best Picture nominees, real rainbow coalition.

You got Marriage Story, two mopey white people trapped in an affluent marriage.

Ford v Ferrari, that's white guys on wheels.

Little Women, four white girls standing on the cusp of Karenhood.

And Joker, whose lead actor performs in whiteface,

thereby appropriating his own cultural identity

while denying a role to a genuine clown.

Oh, and 1917, which was the year the movie was set,

and the number of white people in it.

Oscar night, disaster strikes for the 10,000 white hopefuls,

as a South Korean entry makes movie history.

And the Oscar goes to…

Parasite.

Parasite?

That's not even an English word.

Actually, it is.

What?

Parasite is an English word.

Only when you say it in English.

Away from tinsel town, Washington DC has been consumed

by real drama, Trump's impeachment trial.

The President stands accused of pressuring a foreign power

into investigating Hunter Biden, son of prehistoric concierge Joe Biden,

who has a chance of challenging Trump in the November elections.

But not everyone believes the charges have merit.

The whole impeachment thing was baseless, OK?

So, the Democrats claim that Trump pressured Ukraine

into digging up dirt on the Biden family,

and their only real "evidence" of that is a transcript of him doing it.

What did he say on the transcript?

What transcript?

You just mentioned a transcript.

Check your tape, I said no such thing.

You said, uh… the only real evidence was

a transcript of Trump pressuring Ukraine…

There's no such place as Ukraine.

Yes, there… Yes, there is.

I choose to believe there is not.

The Republican-controlled Senate votes along partisan lines.

Trump is declared not guilty and fabulous.