2 Broke Girls

Listen up, everybody.

Something strange is afoot.

Don't be hard on yourself, Han.

You're taller than a foot.

What's wrong? Somebody rub your belly for luck again?

No, I think I might be losing my memory.

According to Netflix, last night I watched

half the "Taken"s and all the "Insidious"es-es.

All of them!

Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them.

And you probably also sleep-ordered

28 boxes of tampons on Amazon.

Max, you hacked into my accounts?

That's illegal!

And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!

Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable."

That's a breach of trust, girls.

Did you order me those shoes?

Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."

Oh, this is weird.

There's a message from Bernard,

my grandmother's butler.

Why would he be calling me?

Maybe he butler-dialed you.

Caroline, hello.

I'm calling on behalf of your grandmother.

Wait, she abandons me after four years with no explanation

and now she reaches out?

Now?

There is no excuse for that.

She's been in a coma.

Okay, there's one excuse for that.

But she's awake now and wants to see you.

Max, she wants to see me. I'm going to go call him.

She didn't shun me, she was just practically dead!

Max, can I ask your opinion about something?

If Sophie and I want to get pregnant,

she needs to be on drugs.

Oh, to have sex with you? I get that.

No, fertility drugs.

I haven't paid this much for sex since Orgy Cruise '08.

So I'm going to ask Han for a raise.

What do you think?

I think that'll be fun to watch.

Well, I've come up with a new password

that none of you will ever guess.

Han-ah Montana?

Dammit!

Lookin' good, Han.

Have you been shopping at Men's Wearhouse?

'Cause I like the way you look.

You know I exclusively shop at T.J. Maxx.

They've been helping me spring into summer for years.

Hey, everybody!

Oleg, what happened?

Did you ask that little Korean girl for a raise?

Max, my grandmother wants me to come and see her tomorrow!

This is so exciting.

Someone in my family is alive and not in federal prison.

That is exciting.

How much money do you think we're getting?

She's rich, right?

I can't believe all this time she was in a coma.

I can't believe you knew someone in a coma

and I didn't get to draw a mustache on them.

Hello, Caroline.

Your grandmother's place is fancy.

I'm just gonna say it.

I don't think anybody has ever peed in there.

Bernard!

You haven't aged at all.

Thank you.

She hasn't been awake to guard her creams.

Oh, this brings back so many childhood memories.

Right here is where we had our 14-foot Christmas tree.

And then right here is where she'd give me her yearly hug.

Well, Caroline, have you bounced back from the scandal?

If you count working at a diner, sleeping in a wall,

and clothes shopping at CVS, then she's real bouncy.

And is this your same-sex partner?

I will be if that gets me in the will.

Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.

Yes, that's what we called them back in the day.

Oh, she's found the bell.

Lucky me.

But that was just a single dingle.

A warning dingle.

Double dingle. Mayday.

Grammy Astrid, it's Caroline!

I know, darling. I'm old, not blind.

I've missed you so much.

Careful. Don't get her overexcited.

Crack a window. Smells like Ass-trid in here.

I suppose I should conserve my energy

for the luncheon you're going to throw me.

What luncheon now?

The one you're going to throw

to re-introduce her to society,

a sort of coming out party.

Isn't that more your turf?

Grammy, I'd be happy to throw you a luncheon

but I can't afford...

Gah!

Sorry. Caroline, never mind all that.

Introductions are in order.

Oh, Grammy. This is my friend, Max.

Hey, uh, I guess, welcome back.

You haven't changed a bit, Caroline.

Always making friends with the help.

Maria, was it?

I'll take a tall glass of agua, por favor.

Hoping there's a Maria behind me.

Caroline, how have you been?

Are you running Wall Street yet?

No, but I did cut my hair, which was scary but rewarding.

Grammy, a lot has changed since I lost all my...

Gah!

Seriously, dude, get an x-ray.

Outside. Now.

And still waiting on that agua, Maria.

Ay, yi yi.

Okay, Bernard, what's with the "gahs"?

You interrupted what I was saying so often,

it's like we're a married couple.

I was trying to stop you

from mentioning your father's scandal.

Oh, I thought that's just how British people fart.

Your grandmother has no memory of what happened.

When I attempted to tell her the bad news,

she had a stroke and slipped into a coma.

I said, "Your son might be in some trouble,"

and that was it; she was out.

She doesn't know I lost all my money?

I know. It's terrible.

And what's worse is you have to tell her she's lost all hers.

She's broke?

Then why did I get her that water?

Hey, girls. Buckle up.

Oleg's gonna ask Han for a raise again.

Hot stuff, coming through.

Oh look, it's Chef Boy-Are-You-Gross.

Nice hat, right?

He wears it in the bedroom when we role-play.

I'm the fussy customer,

and he slathers butter on my biscuit.

This isn't the whole costume.

I also wear a drumstick paper frill around my penis.

Boner appétit.

Oh, here comes Han.

It's showtime, baby.

Well, I have a new password

that no one will ever get.

"Straight Outta Compt-han"?

Dammit!

Mmm! This food is so good.

My compliments to the man who hired the chef.

Oleg, you're not getting a raise just because Sophie can act

like your food is yummy in her tummy.

Would you change your mind if I did it in a different accent?

I used to act in Poland. I can do a whole bunch.

Mmm! My word.

I just love this tasty tortellini.

Mm-hmm!

Thank you for tonight's nightmare.

Uh, table for one?

Not for this one, thank you.

Bernard, hi. What are you doing here?

I could ask the same of you and follow up

with a series of questions about that hideous uniform.

Looks like mustard and ketchup had a fight

and everyone lost.

What up, B-nard? You look even paler here.

And you look perfect here.

Now, something to wear for tomorrow's luncheon.

One of your grandmother's Chanel suits.

Here's her guest list.

I'm afraid only one guest RSVP'd "yes."

All the rest of her friends RSVP'd "dead."

Bernard, I really do wish I could give

my Grammy what she wants, but I don't have the money

for a real fancy luncheon.

Or even real milk, for that matter.

We drink "milk drink."

I don't think she can take much more disappointment.

This morning I had to tell her all about

her favorite athlete, Bruce Jenner.

This is so sad.

Grammy's whole world is gone

and she has no idea.

Max, I have to give her the one thing that she wants.

A major rollback on civil rights?

No, the luncheon.

She deserves one last hurrah

before I tell her she's lost everything.

I wish someone had done that for me

before my life came crashing down.

Okay, I'll help you.

I mean, Maria will, if she can find a babysitter.

You are the only person I'll wear this for.