Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!

"'The time has come,' the Walrus said

"'For I know I've had enough of cabbages, kings and sealing wax

"'And all that silly stuff

"'I want to talk of Hollywood and the excitement that it brings

"'With its gorgeous girls in sunken baths

"'and those other crazy things'"

Temperature okay. Bring on the body.

Hah.

I break my head to learn English, and for what?

To take a bath?

No, no, no and no!

I know, Miss Didi, but we...

No more Miss Didi's bath!

Or anything else!

Is that clear?

It's impossible. Impossible baths.

No more bubble baths anywhere!

No!

No more bubble baths. What's the matter now?

She won't get in the tub.

Nothing to get excited about.

The usual daily tantrum.

What's wrong, my little chou-chou?

You liar and cheat!

Oh, what troubles my little pussy cat?

Tell your Pepe, will you?

"Tell your Pepe! Tell your Pepe!"

You promised that when we came to Hollywood,

that I could be a big dramatic star and no more bubble baths.

But, my little rabbit, you know the big scenes will come later.

You know Pepe never lies.

Pepe never lies?

For five years you promise to marry me.

For five years!

Oh, it's that again now, huh?

Aren't we happy as we are?

No.

Why do you want to destroy your success?

Marriage will ruin you.

Who knows that better than I do?

What happens when a star marries her director?

Exactly what happened to all my wives.

Instantly, they get fat.

Didi does not get fat, and Didi does not take a bubble bath!

Oh, come, come now.

Let's discuss this calmly, huh?

Do you really think Pepe likes this?

How do you think I feel when everyone

sees your beautiful body in the bath?

It tears my heart out.

Oh... Oh...

You know Pepe thinks only of you.

Then why did you put the bath back in the picture?

The producer says you take a bath, that's why.

So I stand up to him, and I tell him,

"My Didi will take no more baths."

So the producer says, "No bath, no picture."

Then I hollered at him, "Okay, no picture!"

The producer hollers, then I holler again,

but it's no use. He hollers louder.

But I made an agreement.

You take the bath.

You made an agreement, huh?

Then you take the bath!

Who discovered you, huh?

Who made you the Divine Didi?

I.

I made myself the Divine Didi.

Oh, you did?

Yes. Maybe you helped a little bit.

What were you when I picked you up in Marseille?

A dirty little beggar chasing GIs

in the street for cigarettes.

Oh. Miserable you.

You know that I am of royal blood.

Everybody knows that Didi comes from a noble line!

You came from a noble line, all right,

a noble line a sailor gave your foolish mother.

You'd still be a dirty little beggar

if I didn't give you your first bath.

And you are going to take this bath right now.

Ow! Ow.

I'll teach you.

Now we'll start.

Now, actor, you...

I want you to go into the bathroom and act surprised.

You see this strange, beautiful girl in the tub,

but you do not recognize her.

Mr. Pepponi... You understand?

Leave me alone. You do not know her...

But she's getting out of the tub.

Didi!

Didi, you come back here.

Wow!

Didi!

Didi!

Didi!

Didi!

She'll come back,

and when she does I'm going to drown her.

Folks, this is Mr. Titus Zeale of Abbott's Butte, Oregon.

Now, Mr. Zeale, you say the Divine Didi stopped here?

She sure did and I ain't forgetting it.

You're quite sure now?

Oh, it was her all right.

She had a pizza and a Coke,

and then got mad 'cause I didn't have no champagne.

Thank you.

Well, I guess it's pretty obvious

that the Divine One is hiding out someplace here in Oregon.

When she lets me know where she is, I'll let you know.

Yoo-hoo, Martha, lover boy is here.

That should start an avalanche.

What's so funny?

They just had a commercial for a waist-pincher that's guaranteed

to make your body 36-26-36 or double your money back.

Boy, am I gonna be rich!

Well, forget it. That offer's open to girls only.

Where's my wife?

Down at the beauty parlor, doing what comes unnaturally.

At this hour? The beauty parlor?

That's just what I need.

No, that's just what I need.

I've been banned for life.

Do you realize you're looking at a three-time loser?

Drowning your troubles?

No, teaching them to swim.

All right, what'd you do?

Blow another deal on that Lake Nothing property?

It's still gonna sell, and it's still gonna be a summer resort

that's gonna make me rich.

Some resort. One house.

Even the ducks won't go up there for the summer.

Can I help it if everybody built at the other end of the lake?

Besides, that's a selling point.

Some people prefer seclusion.

That's not seclusion. That's banishment.

Why don't I fire you?

I know, my psychiatrist explained it.

I dig pain.

I'll tell you why, guilt.

You let me sink my life savings

into that no-takers-acres up there.

$500, that wouldn't build a path to the telephone booth.

Don't worry, you'll get your money out of it.

Why? Has the President declared it a disaster area?

Come to think of it, why did I hire you in the first place?

Why didn't I just slash my wrists?

When do we eat? I'm starved.

When your wife gets home.

I gotta have a little hors d'oeuvre, I'll tell you that.

I'm really hungry.

Hey, you forgot the ice cubes.

What're they doing to my wife that takes so long? Teasing her follicles?

I don't know. Beauty parlors...

Yech!

I do my own.

So that's why we couldn't find the egg-beater.

I better call her.

Tell her if that chicken dries out any more, it'll be a fire hazard.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Larry.

Oh, hang on a minute, honey.

Hotel Albion. Beauty parlor? Yes, siree.

Hard Knocks Beauty Salon.

Mrs. Meade, please. This is Mr. Meade.

Just a moment please.

Your husband is on the phone, Mrs. Meade.

Oh, dear, it's so late.

Well, you would mix wine and beer.

Well, I'll say one thing for you, though...

Oh, honey, hold on.

Hotel Albion. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, dear.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Operator? Hello? Operator?

I've been disconnected. Huh?

You got misconnected?

You ought to see me.

Hold on, everybody. Now, let's see.

You with the janitor, and you with the kitchen,

and you had somebody upstairs, and you...

Well, you are just gonna have to take your chances.

We better hurry.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, honey.

Honey? Do I know you?

What? Okay, so you don't know me,

but I'm secret agent 007 and three-eighths who tracked you down,

so get your lovely little chassis back home

here fast, or I'll paint you gold.

Now, cut the phony routine.

But I do not understand.

Oh, come on, drop it.

You always were a lousy actress.

Oh. Lousy actress, huh?

Well, I'll tell you, there's only one man in this world

who would dare to call Didi a lousy actress, and that is Pepe!