21st Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor celebrating: Julia Louis-Dreyfus

What?

It's the Mark Twain Prize.

I don't have the money.

No, we're here for the prize.

It's the Mark Twain Prize.

We spoke on the phone a week ago.

I'm not here.

No, I can see you in there, sir.

It's the Mark Twain Prize.

We spoke a week ago.

Your one-year reign is over.

We're going to need the award.

Why?

So we can give it to this year's recipient.

Who?

It's Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

She's good.

I really like her.

She's very good.

She's very funny.

Can we have the award, please?

There you go.

I just had it buffed.

Enjoy.

Bye-bye.

Mr. Letterman, Mr. Letterman.

This is a Cable Ace Award.

Oh.

This is Damien.

Oh, hi.

I need the bag.

Okay, but Mr. Letterman, this is a puppet of you.

What do you have against puppets?

I have absolutely nothing against puppets, but we're here to collect the prize.

I'm this close to kicking you in the nuts.

I don't... This is.

Not it.

This happens every year.

There is only one person in the world who could inspire this incredible lineup of

comedy greats to come together in one place.

Tonight, Stephen Colbert, Bryan Cranston, Tina Fey, Tony Hale, Abbi Jacobson,

and Ilana Glazer, Keegan-Michael Key, Lisa Kudrow, Kumail Nanjiani, and Jerry Seinfeld.

Plus appearances by Paul Baras, Steve Carell, Larry David, Clark Gregg,

Mary Gross, Ellie Kemper, David Letterman, Amy Poehler, George Shapiro, Wanda Sykes,

and a performance by Jack Johnson, all to celebrate Julia Louis-Dreyfus as

she is awarded the Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Please welcome Julia's fellow Northwestern alum, Stephen Colbert.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much.

What a joy it is tonight to honor the great Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

A woman who I sincerely believe is the funniest person on television.

And keep in mind, I'm on television right now.

And I think it's so fitting that we honor here at the Kennedy Center, the home of comedy.

And ballet, and piano concertos, but only the funny ones.

Julia, tonight we celebrate your career with the Mark Twain Prize.

Of course, every year the Mark Twain Prize comes with two things.

A beautiful bust of Samuel Clemens, and as with any honor at the Kennedy Center, one Kennedy of your choice.

There's some still really good ones out there.

I'd go with that Congressman Joe Kennedy.

He is a spicy little ginger.

You're going to like him.

You'll be very happy.

We all know that she's talented.

But Julia is also such a lovely person.

Here's the thing.

She's so successful.

She's such a giant in her field.

She could get away with being a jerk, but she's not.

She needs nothing from me, and yet she's so nice to me.

And that's not always the case in show business.

You Washington people, you guys, you're used to politics.

But let me tell you, there are some terrible people in show business who recently switched to politics.

Here's a little showbiz secret.

Everyone I know in comedy has a crush on Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Everyone.

Not a big crush.

Not a legally actionable infatuation.

Just an adorable little crush-let that's not even worth telling your wife about

until you're on stage at the Kennedy Center.

You just blurt it out.

And it's a special honor for me because I feel a special connection to Julia.

Our careers have been strangely parallel.

She went to Northwestern University.

I went to Northwestern University.

Sure.

She performed at Second City.

I performed at Second City.

She was hired at SNL.

I auditioned.

And they haven't forgotten.

I'm not mad about you at Northwestern, Julia.

No, I'm sure when you were there, you probably did the same vocal warm-up exercise as I did.

She skis easily beneath the ceiling of stars.

Martha and Margaret walked arm in arm to the charming park not far from their father's house.

Well, now Northwestern's theater program is so proud of Julia that all the warm-ups are Julia Louis-Dreyfus based.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus tried to knife us, then wooed and chewed a gooey bouillon cube of typhus.

Now, we're going to be hearing a lot tonight about her characters like Elaine

and old Christine, but I want to talk about a different performance,

one that truly speaks to me, and I bet it speaks to a lot of the people in this room, too.

I'm talking about Julia's turn as Jeanette Cooper in 1986's Troll.

I was deeply affected by her performance as a young woman transformed into a wood

nymph by a troll who was actually the ancient wizard Tora.

Look, brava, brava, madame.

But the truly iconic role that I want to celebrate tonight is Julia's performance as Selina Meyer on Veep.

It's no secret that I love Veep.

Not the actual one.

He's, uh, he's, uh, good for him.

I love Julia's show.

I'm a Veep addict.

Everybody knows it.

After a long day of, you know, the news, some people drink heavily.

I watch Veep while drinking heavily.

Julia's performance of Selina Meyer is incredibly funny, but at the same time,

it's also so beautifully and honestly grounded in human frailty that when I

watch her, I actually feel sorry for an elected official.

That is not my typical response.

But when I see Selina Meyer, I actually hope that's what Washington is really like.

I hope that people are cynical and lazy and incompetent.

That I would understand.

Because if our real politicians are nice and well-meaning and informed,

and they're still doing this bad of a job, then let's just give the keys to the

Canadians in exchange for some of that legal weed.

Plus, the way Julia delivers those legendary Selina insults.

I just watch the super cuts sometimes.

They're amazing.

I can't repeat any of those here tonight.

Because eventually, this has to air on PBS.

So instead, my team at The Late Show put together a collection of Selina's best

lines, but dubbed them over to make them appropriate for PBS.

Take a look.

General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now, and I would rather

brush and floss his wooden teeth twice a day.

That's like trying to use a croissant as a sandwich bread.

It doesn't do the job, and it makes a delicious mess.

Hey, listen, uh, settle something for me.

Okay.

You like to have sex and you like to travel?

Yes, ma'am.

Then you can watch Rick Steves.

Because if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is going to sink your stupid

boats, and you're going to look for Antiques Roadshow.

So, can I count on your vote?

Or do I need to thank the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and viewers like you?

I will destroy.

I will destroy you in ways that are so creative, they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.

Here we.

Are.

Congratulations, Julia.

And thank you, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

My name is Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and I come from Washington DC,

which is our nation's capital.

I met Julia because I was at Northwestern University.

Every year I would do this thing called the Meow Show that was an improvisationally based comedy review.

My senior year, she was cast, and she was just a freshman.

This your first play?

She was serious and hardworking, and most importantly, she had the stones

to stand up to us and take over the boys' club and make sure her voice was heard.

She was good.

She took a role and really polished it into a gem.

She would just throw herself into that.

Nothing can stop us, not even Godzilla.

And then we were just informed one night that Dick Ebersole and Bob Tischler were in the house.

The next day we were summoned to some hotel where we were informed that they

wanted to hire all four of us for Saturday Night Live.

You're getting on a plane in a few days, you're gone.

The fact that all four of us are going together is the most fun thing for us because there's an ensemble at work here.

We were out of our minds with excitement.

Where are we going?

To the top.

To the very top.

Julia just worked really, really hard and she was making it happen.

Bye, Chicago.

Thank you very much for everything.

If we need you, we'll phone you.

Go home!

Please welcome a fellow veteran of SNL and the 2010 winner of the Mark Twain Prize, Tina Fey.

With 11 Emmys, a Golden Globe, a Peabody, and nine SAG Awards,

Julia is one of the most decorated actors in Hollywood, second only to Johnny Depp.

But a lot of his decorations are scars and carabiners, so it kind of evens out.

I've always liked Julia, maybe because I'd like to believe that we have a lot in common.

We both studied comedy in Chicago.

We both lost our virginity to Brad Hall.

No, just me.

Julia launched her television career on Saturday Night Live, Me Too, not hashtag Me Too, just regular Me Too.

Julia was a cast member on SNL for three years, during which she created such

popular characters as Cindy, the girl with the giant zit, El Dorco's date Becky,

and end of list.

But that's officially two more characters than I have.

So you're up by two, Julia.

We both left SNL to do sitcoms.

For Julia, it was Seinfeld, okay?

And in the early 90s, at a time on network TV when actresses were expected to have

great timing and great tans and great eating disorders, Julia made the bold

choice for her character, Elaine Benes, to wear long, loose dresses, flat shoes,

an oversized coat, and a center barrette.

Because here's the secret, Julia's not afraid to be unlikable.

Not on screen, and not in person.

Which isn't to say that Elaine was a drab character.

Elaine Benes was sex positive before we had a term for it.