Road Trip: Beer Pong

Whoa!

Hey, Lemar, what's up? You owe me 10 bucks!

Sorry, guys. Sorry about that.

So then you're gonna walk through it going... Whoa!

Good morning, Ithaca!

Hey, Lisa, you were supposed to call me!

Call me tonight, all right?

Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

You cut off his leg!

Somebody get some help! I need a tourniquet and some ice.

Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Everything's gonna be okay.

I'm a trained first responder, okay?

Can you hear me?

I am so fired.

Is he laughing?

Y'all got punk'd!

What?

Son of a bitch.

Works every time, yo. Thanks, man.

Welcome to the University of Ithaca. I'm Kyle, your PUSE.

Come on, pervs.

PUSE. It stands for Prospective Undergraduate Student Envoy.

Come on, people. Lighten up, it was a joke. He's fine.

Take it easy, man.

You owe me a beer.

See? We're all about special needs here.

As a matter of fact, our motto is,

"If you're special, we needs you."

So, besides being a PUSE,

what do you do at Ithaca, Kyle?

Well, I've been an RA for four years.

I'm currently getting my PhD.,

and I'm the alumni advisor for my frat.

Wow.

Yeah. What percentage of Ithaca students

end up going to Ivy League grad schools?

That's a good question, and I'm not really sure.

Okay, well, am I going to be limited in the number of hours

that I can take in a semester, or...

I don't know, but if not, you sure should be.

Can I be both a double major and a double minor?

Hmm.

I really don't know about that, either.

So, what do you know, Mr. PUSE?

That Ithaca is the proud holder

of a national athletic championship.

Yeah, no way.

No, this is an academic institution.

I mean, your mascot's a librarian.

Lydia, stop.

What? He's a moron.

I'm sorry. She's under a lot of stress right now.

It's okay.

Mom, you're doing it again.

What? Doing what?

You know what I'm talking about.

Ryan told me what you did during his campus visit.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

Oh, my God.

You get back here right now, Missy!

Oh, or what?

No, it's cool, she can leave.

Of course, you're gonna be missing out

on a really great story.

Love.

Sex.

Oh, God.

The relentless pursuit of academic excellence.

Fine.

Okay, so,

there's this guy named Andy who lives on my floor, right?

And he's been dating this girl named Katy for, like, ever.

They began as high school lab partners

in Mr. Blankenbaker's biology class.

Andy helped Katy win the science fair,

and Katy became Andy's band manager and biggest fan.

They were in love, whatever that is,

and they promised that graduation

would only make them stronger.

Though their bodies were separated,

their hearts stayed together tight,

till the start of their junior year.

Dude! What the fuck?

Korky, a little help. My toe's cramping up.

I don't care if you're having fucking seizures.

That is horrible. Korky.

Oh, did you ever hear of manscaping? I need help.

Don't touch me. I'll be outside.

Do you actually have testicles?

Didn't you just see them?

I'm serious, man. My cousin, his never dropped.

He literally has no balls.

So when he tells me that he can't

break up with his girlfriend, I get that.

No, it's not that I can't, Korkin. I don't want to.

I mean, Katy's beautiful. She's smart. She's...

Got your balls locked in her Hello Kitty hope chest?

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

What is that shit?

This, my friend, is known as an ILMAG.

A what?

An Improvised Last-Minute Anniversary Gift.

Every year I have a reminder set on my computer,

but this year, mysteriously, it didn't go off.

You're welcome.

Dude! Uncool.

Sabotage was my last resort.

You're 21 and you act 40.

You never go out. You never party.

I play beer pong every weekend.

And you go right home after every tournament.

Know why? Why?

Because you fear temptation.

And who fears temptation but a man with doubts?

Work it, Chloe.

Bite it, Korkin.

Okay, okay, so sometimes I'm tempted.

But overall, I'm a very happy man, okay?

Let me make you happier.

Designate Katy as your back-home girl. Your hometown honey.

She's there for weekends, vacations, long dry spells.

Let her think whatever she wants,

but here, you do whatever you want.

It's a win-win.

Okay, unlike you, I don't cheat.

What does that even mean?

It means I don't cheat.

In that bucket is concentrated urine and feces.

Any Hagan Hall man known to have a steady girlfriend gets treed.

Ass Turd will be there till she comes to rescue him.

Guess I better not mention K-A-T-Y to these guys.

Korkin, no.

You don't want to know what else they put in that bucket.

You know, maybe you could have mentioned that

before I swapped dorms.

Please don't swap dorms.

Katy?

It took me forever to find this one.

What are you doing here?

Your big tournament's tonight,

so I wanted to say happy anniversary and cheer you on in person.

That is so cool.

I'm not done. Guess what else?

What could be better?

I transferred here, to Ithaca!

Wow!

Wow!

Better update those hepatitis shots, bro.

There's a storm brewing, boys.

Wind, four knots.

Barometric pressure,

falling.

Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.

Oh!

Ponage!

Only his third try, Raz-R.

See you at Nationals. Eat pussy.

You suck.

As soon as I capture this tape,

I can upload it to YouTube.

What about your full ride at CMU?

I mean, it's like the Harvard of horticulture.

Yeah, it's amazing, but so are you.

I mean, we only have one chance to be in college together.

I don't want to waste it.

Didn't you feel like we were slipping away

with all the e-mails and Skype sex?

I don't know. Maybe.

I freaked you out, didn't I?

No!

I mean, no, I...

It's gonna be great.

Okay.

There's a storm brewing, boys.

Wind, four knots.

Barometric pressure, falling.

Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.

Uh-oh. Somebody looks freaked out.

I'm not freaked out.

Well, you should be.

She's gonna suck you into some off-campus apartment

with curtains and coasters

and a chaise lounger with those giant fucking pillows.

Kick her ass to the curb

before you get doused with concentrated urine and feces.

No woman is worth that.

But right now, both you douche bags need to focus.

We go to war in one hour.

Awesome.

New uniforms.

Are you ready to protect this house?

Sexy.

Go away. Unless you have breasts.

Hey, guys. What's up?