Family Guy

Stewie Griffin... Scientist, inventor, infant.

Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths

that all humans have.

Then an accidental overdose

of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.

And now whenever Stewie Griffin grows angry or outraged,

a startling metamorphosis occurs.

Oh, I hurt myself changing this tire!

The creature is driven by rage

and pursued by an investigative reporter.

Mr. Tucker, don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.

Stewie Griffin is believed to be dead.

And he must let the world think that he is dead,

until he can find a way to control

the raging spirit that dwells within him.

Oh, come on, can we please change the channel?

I can't stand local news.

No, Brian. The new female anchor

is about to do that Child of the Month segment.

I like her.

Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney.

And this is April's Child of the Month,

eight year old Angus Reed.

Angus was born with Cerebral Palsy.

And his only wish is to one day become a famous heart surgeon.

All I want to do is help people.

Child of the Month, Angus Reed.

Good luck with your dream, Angus.

We believe in you.

What a weird little guy.

Thanks, Joyce.

How old do they usually live to be, by the way?

Well, you never see a gray haired one.

Ah, so inspiring.

Mom, there's a row open up there.

Oh, good, I like sitting in the front.

Me, too.

I didn't dress up not to be seen.

Hey, you, go easy on the communion wine today.

Don't want another one of your drunken mishaps.

Let me get at that belly.

Let me kiss that belly.

Stop it! Cut it out!

I'm gonna give you a flubber kiss.

Oh, Lois, that tickles!

Flubber belly, pork belly Stewie.

Ah, give me that belly!

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.

I got a little nervous.

It's just, I like you so much.

Please turn to hymn number 487.

Please be seated.

Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 p.m.,

we'll have Vespers, not to be confused

with the Italian Motor Scooter.

Vespers!

And don't forget, next weekend,

we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic...

As God said to Noah... Weather permitting.

Stop it!

And another reminder: When you arrive to mass,

Please do not park behind the rectory.

As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land."

Oh, ho, ho!

Look out, Gallagher!

Stop kissing ass.

Bless you. Have a wonderful day.

Thank you, Father.

Hey, nice talk, Chief.

There you go. Buy the wife something pretty.

Oh, Father, your homily was so moving today.

Thank you, Lois.

And thank you for the great job you did

with the rummage sale for the needy last weekend.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

You know, I accidentally almost put a cashmere sweater in there.

Can you believe?

What would one of them do with a cashmere sweater?

You know, Lois, we also have a bake sale coming up,

and we're short about eight pies.

Well, I'll hit the grocery store this afternoon and get to work.

Okay, Lois, bye!

Bye, Church!

Bye, Church Guy!

Bye, unending conversation!

Bye, terrible Church People!

Bye!

My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days?

I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil.

I mean, who is that for?

No, Lois, don't get that one!

Get the one with the lion in overalls!

Oh, my God, look!

It's Joyce Kinney from Channel Five.

Excuse me, Miss Kinney?

I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Lois Griffin.

I am a huge fan, and I just think

you are doing a fantastic job.

And after what I went through with Diane Simmons,

well, let me just say it's nice

to be standing here with no one trying to murder me.

Yeah, no, you're fine.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say.

You know, it's my first anchoring job,

and I'm trying to make a good impression.

I love the "Child of the Month" segment.

We just watched that one with the little goofball

who thought he was going to be a doctor.

Ah, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you.

You know, the news is so much better with you on it.

Well, you know, Lois,

I'm on my way back to the station after lunch.

I'd be happy to give you a tour.

Oh, my goodness. That'd be wonderful.

Great. Why don't you come down to the station around 6:00?

You can watch the broadcast.

Okay. I'll see you then.

Oh, wait, wait.

BILF. Total BILF.

Yeah, so, going pretty good.

I got six pacifiers now.

That was a big nothing.

And Julie Andrews pleaded not guilty,

saying that she brought the gun

to the nightclub for protection.

And that's all for today's Channel Five News at 6:00.

Oh, I almost forgot.

That little girl is still missing.

Do we have a picture?

Do we... We don't? We don't have a picture?

Okay, we don't have a picture. Okay.

But she's... She's Puerto Rican.

So look out for a Puerto Rican.

We're clear.

That was so much fun to watch.

What a pro you are.

Lois, you've met Tom Tucker.

Oh, yes, of course.

I loved that piece you did on the invention of the guillotine.

Oh, thank you. You know,

half the time those things didn't really work.

How was it, Honey?

Ah, they couldn't finish.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I got to go back tomorrow.

Oh, well, I made cabbage for dinner.

Yeah, that would be the ending to this day.

In here is our editor, Mike.

They let him smoke inside

because all the smoke from his cigarette

just floats directly back up into his face.

Hey, Joyce, when you get a chance,

come take a look at the Weekapaug thing.

Oh, this is all so fascinating.

You must have so many stories.

Well, look, if you want to grab a drink with me later tonight,

I'd be happy to tell you some.

Oh, my God, I would love to.

Look at me, huh?

Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity.

Well, I think you're exaggerating.

No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy.

Hey, Kermit.

What happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch?

Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now.

There's been a change.

What? There's been a change!

We now return to

Ellen Only Talks When Her Guest Is Talking.

So, you want to hear about my movie?

I had a great weekend. We spent three

months shooting in Louisiana.

I danced all over my house. And, you know, it's a thriller.

It's really a love story, too. I try to dance in every room

at least once a week. I also listen to jazz while I vacuum,

which is cool.

Anyway, it comes out Friday. I got to work

with Julianna Marguiles. My pets were going wild

all weekend. I think there's, like, something in the air.

Could not have been nicer. Like smog or pollen.

Or pollinated smog, or...

Are you just gonna talk

over everything that I say? I love talking on TV.

I'll do anything to talk on TV.

Hiya, lame asses.

Whoa. We were having a nice time.

Sorry. I'm just painfully aware

that I'm the only member of this family

who's going out for drinks with a celebrity tonight.

What are you talking about?

Joyce Kinney invited me out for drinks.

So just order a pizza or something, okay?

See you guys later.

Man, I hate calling that pizza place.

They don't speak English, and they always mess up the order.

It's like trying to give my cell phone number to the housekeeper.

Okay, I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house.