Everybody Hates Chris

Becoming manager of the football team had its perks.

I wasn't exactly part of the cool crowd,

but I did get to be around them.

Hey, yo, Chris, this milk smells funny.

Taste this, and tell me if it's spoiled.

Yeah, it's spoiled.

Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, like I was saying.

Taimak is gonna be the next Bruce Lee.

Taimak?

You mean Taimak fromThe Last Dragon?That Taimak?

No, Taimak from CNN.

Yeah, that's right.

I love that movie.

AfterThe Last Dragon, karate became

more popular in the ghetto than poverty.

Everybody was doing it.

Boys were doing karate.

Girls were doing it.

Yah!

Even old people were doing it.

He's not doing karate-- he's just crazy.

Hey, we're going to see a midnight show in Times Square.

You can come if you want.

No, I can't.

Midnight?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Past your bedtime?

Yes!

Nah. I just... I just had this party

I was supposed to go to, but...

you know, I guess I can skip that.

All right, cool.

We'll see you there.

Not at midnight you won't.

I can't believe The Last Dragonwith Dickerson and his crew.

You are so in there. No, Greg, I'm not

My parents aren't gonna let me see a midnight movie.

Then why'd you say yes?

Because I didn't want to look like some punk

who can't get out of the house past 9:00.

But since you are, what are you gonna

tell them after you don't show up?

That I got sent to jail for killing my nerdy white friend?

While I was planning a good excuse.

My dad was planning my mom's anniversary.

What's up, everybody? Hey, hey, youngblood.

Where's Manny?

He's opening another shop, in Detroit.

When did you start cutting hair?

When we were kids everybody in our house had a job.

Ryan was the barber.

Yeah. So, Julius, where

are you taking Rochelle for her anniversary tonight?

We're going to see Show Dogson Broadway.

Show Dogs? What's that about?

It's only the most extravagant musical

ever to come to the United States from a foreign shore.

It's a high-voltage spectacle of song and dance!

Ooh...

Is that all?

No, girl. We're gonna have dinner at Domaine et Mer,

and we're spending a night

at the Times Square Regency Hotel.

Ooh, a hotel. Not a motel.

Oh, no, I don't do outside hallways.

Oh, that sounds good.

I was married once.

For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game.

I broke up with him at halftime.

And ended up going home with Bernard King.

Between this hair and my Armando Vermani bag,

I don't think I'm-a be able to stand myself.

Ooh, ooh.

While my mom was gearing up to go out,

I was bailing out to stay in.

Hey, Dickerson, I can't make it to that movie tonight.

It's my cousin's birthday

and she's really counting on me to be at the party.

All right, man, but you're missing out.

Next time.

Yeah, maybe.

And maybe I'll never get invited out again.

All right, well, I hope you feel better.

Get some rest.

Who was that?

Gloria. She got a fever.

She won't be able to watch the kids tonight.

What? Oh baby. I can't believe this.

That was $150 worth of show tickets.

Uh-oh. She's about to do a dramatic head turn.

Told you.

Show tickets?

What about our anniversary?

Well, that's what I meant.

We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets

to celebrate our anniversary.

Sidney Poitier had nothing

on my father's acting abilities.

And the award for "Best Husband

"Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out

"On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset

About Losing His Money" goes to...

Julius!

Julius, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong?

I thought you guys were going out.

The sitter canceled, and my anniversary is ruined.

Other than that, everything is fine.

If this was a cartoon,

you'd see a lightbulb appear above my head.

I can watch Drew and Tonya,

and you and Dad can still go out.

Chris, this is not for a few hours; it'll be all night.

Ma, I can handle it.

Well, what if Drew gets a fever?

I'll call a doctor.

What if Tonya sets something on fire?

I'll call the Fire Department.

What if somebody tries to break in?

I'll call the police.

What if you get attacked by ghosts?

I'll call Ghostbusters.

Ma, I can do it.

I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this

and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

And the award for "Best Kid Pretending

"Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary

"When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House

"So He Can Sneak Out And Do

Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing"

goes to... Chris!

Chris, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh... Thank you, Chris.

I'm gonna go get ready.

That left only one thing for me to do.

Hey, Dickerson.

Yeah, good news; the party got cancelled,

I'll see you guys at the movies.

Hey, who's this? Who's on the line?

It's Chris... the football team manager.

From Tattaglia.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

While my parents got ready for their big night out,

I got ready for my big sneak-out.

Hey, Drew, Tonya-- Chris is in charge.

I want y'all to be on your best behavior.

If Chris accidentally catches on fire,

jumps out a window to fan out the flames

and falls to his death, is he still in charge?

No, then Drew is in charge.

Boy, what are you doing?

I'm gonna get onThat's Incredible

by using my psychic powers

to bend this spoon.

Not with my good silver you're not.

Go mind-bend a spork or something.

Chris, you know what to do.

Yeah, I got everything covered.

I got all the emergency numbers--

Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI,

CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Bye. All right...

Bye. ...we'll be back in the morning.

While my parents were at the play,

I was getting ready to make a play.

That's not incredible, that's just stupid.

She sleeps like an angel but acts like the Devil.

I love you, baby.

This is going to be the best anniversary ever.

I know.

Hey, um, no, no, I--

No, hey--

He was-- he was-- he's okay.

I'm so embarrassed.

While my father had stopped the show before it started,

I was starting to think Dickerson was a no-show.

Chris?

Chris.

The idle sister is the Devil's workshop.

Even though nobody showed,

I figured since I was out, I may as well go in.

Forget this.

That's what happens when you talk over the trailer

forThree Men and a Baby.

The next day, I pulled a Robert Blake

and tried to forget all about the shooting.

Make sure it's tight, Tonya.

Isn't this how Houdini died?

No, Houdini died from secondary peritonitis

due to a ruptured spleen from being punched in the stomach.

Hey, kids. Hi.

Mom, Dad.

Oh...

Hi, baby.

So... Chris,

how did it go?

Great, fine, never been better,