Kat and the Band

KAT AND THE BAND

What time are they on?

Nine.

Like seriously, so you have the money to get in?

No.

- What's your number? - Sorry?

- What's your number? - Oh, it's...

He's really good.

I've listened to them on YouTube, they're going to be great.

- Ready? - As always.

Kat Malone, Jane Barrowman, Power Cords Music Management.

We're on the list.

Not on the list.

You're incompetent.

You call yourself a PA

and you can't even remember to phone and get my name on the list?

What?

You heard me, you skinny legged, goggled eyed, burger brain reject.

- You're fired. - Harsh.

Don't even bother coming into work tomorrow.

- What's your boss's name? - Kat Malone.

Ah, Miss Malone?

Found your name, Kat Malone plus one.

My mistake.

- You need to find a new job. - I know.

I get it, my eyes are big, but Google eyed, is that a thing?

Do your eyes really grow bigger if you Google too much?

Goggle, goggle eyed.

Oh, yeah. Sick dig.

If I ever dance like that, just put me down.

Promise?

What shall we get to drink, vodka cranberry or...

- I know, let's get turbo bombs. - Oh Jane!

Marcus! We love you Marcus!

They're on.

The Risk Factor? You like?

Ah, yeah, yeah, what's not to like?

That is if you like a band that tick every box

in the desperate need to appeal to all demographics.

- So not so much? - No.

Go on.

Hi, one turbo bomb and one vodka lemonade.

That's thirteen pounds fifty.

Yeah, I'm a guest of Dollar Days,

so if you could just put it on their tab and make it a double?

Alright.

I was invited over by the band's management,

which, between you and me, are incompetent.

I mean why play this gig if you're not headlining?

Zero point. I have no idea what their manager was thinking.

Let me help you.

Thank you.

I'm Kat Malone, music scout. Why did... I mean I loved your set,

why don't you and I grab a seat and talk management?

- We've got a manager. - Who, who is your manager?

Me.

Right, I am, I'm so sorry about the drinks, my bad, I'll pay you back.

- What's your number? - No need.

There is, I loved your songs and I, I really think...

No, no, no, just don't go stealing drinks off musicians, alright?

There's enough people in this business trying to rip you off. Tough.

That's because you're playing the wrong places.

Your bass is too dominant, your social media is social suicide

and your set list confused.

- Anything else? - Yes!

You have a sound that's so raw, it's so heartfelt and...

- You ready to go, mate? - Yeah.

- Who's she? - No one, let's go.

But wait, but no, I have more ideas.

Um, wait, no, I, I really think we should chat.

Alex? Alex!

Don't you just want to squeeze them like a, like a cuddly koala?

So much.

Until I break his vocal chords

so I never have to hear his whining songs again.

Peace.

Out of the way.

Alex! Hey, Alex! I just want to...

Oh shit.

Hey.

Typical, we're left with the ab zombie.

Musically dead, but those are some abs.

You are such a little horn-chick.

Yeah. And?

You'd think he'd have a party to go to or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would.

Shall we get the night bus?

No! Don't say anything! Kat!

Hi.

My friend over there, she thinks you're fit, but she's super shy.

Yeah, she's super cute.

So basically, she just needs a few drinks

and then she relaxes and will talk and stuff, to you.

Okay.

So... is there an after party we should know about or something?

You know, let me take your number and I'll text you.

What did you say?

Nothing.

He just randomly gave me the address to a very cool after party.

- No. - And we're going.

No! Seriously Kat? Tomorrow is...

Another boring day, like every other boring day.

Tonight, it begins, the future, Dollar Days, they need our help.

It's what we've always talked about doing since forever.

I'm sorry, I can't.

He likes you.

He'll be at the party.

He's fit, you said he was.

I suppose, for a short while.

Just pretend you belong.

- Use your gifts. - What?

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Mm, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, right? Yeah, totally.

I love Matthew McConaughey too.

Hey, ah, I'm happy, you're happy, that's what I'm good at.

Speak later.

- Hi. - You get around.

- I... - Right, yeah, the free drinks, yeah.

- Yeah, very funny, you're funny. - Cool.

Shame you don't show that side of your personality on stage.

What?

Oh I'm, I'm just saying you could show a bit more personality,

a sense of humour when performing.

- I totally have a sense of humour. - I know, I just told you that.

Ah, no I just told you that.

- Ah look, what is it that you want? - Well I don't, I don't want anything.

Well then you're clearly not a manager, are you?

I mean you all want something, whether it's an extra cut,

push us in a direction that we don't actually want to go in,

dilute the music, steal the girlfriend.

No! I do not want to steal your girlfriend.

That's good to know.

I'm glad you don't want to sell out,

because I'm only interested in managing authentic artists.

Kat Malone, ha-ha.

Oi, good luck, because she's the shit.

Kat.

You're in demand.

I know a lot of people.

He'll cool down by tomorrow. We'll see if he makes it to rehearsal.

I'll get a drink then.

How about I come along?

I'd love to hear more of your songs and then we can take it from there.

Ah, just give me your number and I'll text you.

Later.

Jane, let's go.

- Can you play me? - It's not up to me, babe.

I don't play the song.

The song plays me.

- Was this a dream? - No!

The dream is just beginning.

Pulled an all-nighter.

Got dressed in the dark, did you?

I would, with a face like that.

She's scared of catching herself in the mirror, aren't you Kat?

Frog face.

A LEVEL SPANISH MOCK EXAM, SILENCE PLEASE

The subject for today's discussion, my favourite holiday.

My favourite holiday was in Slovenia.

In the neighbouring village there was a music festival.

You can't solely blame the mediocrity of contemporary music

on the distribution network. We have brains, don't we?

We don't have our Bowies and Jonis

because we choose to be spoon fed music like factory fed chickens,

made me to believe we enjoy tasteless pellets of sound.

- Yeah? - Hi, Kat. It's Alex.

- Alex from the band. - Yes, yes, how are you?

Yeah, good. Look I've been thinking about what we talked about,

you coming down to rehearsal.

Kat Malone!

Alex, I've got a situation here, crazy client. Can we talk later?

Yeah, sure, alright, I'll...

- Mr. Kato. - You know the rules.

You can pick this up at the end of the day.

I do know the rules, sir,

and you know, in all the years I've stared at you,

bored out of my brains in music class,

I have never seen you in such a remarkably well fitted

or well-coordinated outfit as you're wearing today.

It was supposed to be a secret!

What was?

The music concert that I'm organising. Right now there's so much to be done.

It's for exam results day.

I thought it would be empowering to celebrate such a momentous day

with the ancient tradition of music,

which historically has been used in various rites of passage ceremonies.

What do you want out of this school, Kat?

I mean, you're obviously bright, you're talented,

you can talk the hind legs off a...

Monkey? I think it's a monkey.

Or is it a donkey?

But when it comes to focus, you don't have it.

- You're all over the place. - I'm focused.

I'm focused right now on this concert, I am, I'm...

Joy, Rose, you're performing in my exam results concert, right?

See?

Not in the corridors, okay?

Yes!