What We Do in the Shadows

-(dance music playing) What can I say?

The nightclub has really taken off recently.

Nadja's has become the hot spot

for the tri-state area vampire community.

And I, its queen.

Most of the vampires lining up won't get in

due to general ugliness. Move!

Okay, you two in the denim capes, it ain't happening.

Fly back to New Jersey.

This place has even started attracting human celebrities,

which is really great for business.

There's three of them now.

Sofia, you stupid bitch,

when are you gonna put me in one of your movies?

I want to show the camera my bling ring. (laughs)

Hey, Colin really is

performing tonight, right?

We are very excited, man.

We've been hearing about him for weeks.

Colin is going to be on stage in three minutes.

Great, that kid is incredible.

More than a star, he's a phenomenon.

He does have a certain je ne sais quoi. (laughs)

He must have brain scrambles. That was utter gibberish.

-(laughs) Can I just ask you,

what's the "Celebrity Special," and is it really $5,000?

Oh, the Celebrity Special!

Something you're interested in?

-Yes, very much. -Yes, please. -Jim?

Oh, not for me. We're shooting in the morning.

And, really, I don't make that kind of money.

Oh. Celebrity Special for two, anyone?

-(shouting, cheering) Okay, uh...

You two, over here.

May I present for you

the Celebrity Special?

It's to die for.

Oh, shit, that looks so real.

It's so much more fun

when the celebrities actually ask for it themselves.

He's empty.

Come on, you guys. You are really good.

That is amazing.

-(chanting): Do the head. -That's right.

-Do the head... -(cheering)

: I could never afford a gag like this.

That's amazing.

We're so glad you're enjoying the show, Jim. (laughs)

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

-Over here! -(cheering)

-Sofia? You think that the celebrities

would have caught on by now, but I have got Chloë Sevigny

and Tiki Barber booked for tomorrow night,

and the great Fran Lebowitz on Thursday.

She says what we're all thinking.

Okay, time for my little moneymaker, Baby Colin.

Let's get on with the show.

Now, where is he?

-(grunts) -(whispers indistinctly)

Are you fucking kidding me?

What do you mean that Baby Colin is not performing?

He goes on every night at 3:00 a. m.!

I know, my darling, but things have changed.

The nightclub is extraordinarily successful,

and we both know why, so his contract must reflect that.

-He doesn't have a contract. -Au contraire.

-I drew one up this morning. -(Nadja groans)

So, full disclosure,

: I met someone.

Well, a while back, when I was in England with Nadja,

there was this guy, Freddie,

and yeah, we just had this whirlwind romance.

Ever since I've been back here we've been FaceTiming,

like, all the time.

And now, he's coming to New York for the weekend.

See you soon. -(whispers): Okay, besos.

Which is super exciting and super terrifying,

: because he's the first person

that I've ever really dated dated, you know?

I'm gonna pick him up at the airport,

and we're gonna spend the whole weekend in the city,

-just Freddie and I and... -(doorbell rings)

Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys. I'll be back.

-Surprise. (laughs) -Oh. Freddie.

My flight got in early.

Oh, my God, look at your face.

-"Look at my face." Oh, wow. -Aww.

Who-who are these guys?

It's a, uh, a documentary crew.

How did you find my place?

Oh, return address of the post you sent me.

Sorry, the "mail" you sent me. Oh, my God, you Americans.

-(laughs) Guillermo?

Oh. That is very kind of you,

but I'm not hungry right now.

Number one,

"Nightclub staff will not make direct eye contact

with Colin unless they are giving him a gift."

-(Nadja groans) Hey, Nadja, guess what?

What? -Chicken butt.

-Ugh. -Okay, number two, uh,

"We also require a merch table,

"where we will sell Colin's new compact disc..."

Call Me Colin: An Hour of Singsongs

and Laugh-'Em-Ups for the Whole Famn Damily.

-Are you gonna sign it? -Of course not!

My darling, if it wasn't for this boy,

your club would be as dead as disco.

And guess what? What?

All I want is to sing and dance and make people smile.

I don't even really care about all this contract baloney.

No, no, no, no. He doesn't know what he's saying.

So, do have we a deal?

Um, let me just have a little think, uh, mull it over.

-All right. -What is this made of?

Fuck no! Do you think that my club

needs this little weird ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?

-Hey. -But he is our main attraction.

I could replace him in a second.

Well, good luck with that.

I've had the owner of the hottest vampire nightclub

on the phone to me day and night,

and he's not the only one.

So you're actually going to leave?

Looks that way, doesn't it? Come on, boy.

Let's take your talents upstate.

Albany and Binghamton, to be more precise, but...

-got to start somewhere. -(Nadja groans)

Wow, this place is like a museum.

I-I can't believe this is your house, Guillermo.

Well, it's actually not my house.

I just help take care of Nandor.

How'd you never mention that?

I-I thought you worked at the U. N.

Don't be silly.

Guillermo does not work at the U and N.

: He forgets a lot of things.

His mind doesn't work the way it used to, so...

-I volunteer on my days off. -Aw, you're so sweet.

Guillermo. -Hmm.

Why did you not tell me you had a friend coming to visit?

-Friends... -Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit

more than friends, actually.

Oh, I see.

-Best friends. No, uh...

He's my boyfriend.

Oh.

-Oh, wow. -(Freddie chuckles)

And I'm sorry I didn't mention that earlier.

This is fantastic news.

Right? Good.

And a long time coming.

-Oh. -He has been very lonely.

-Oh. -Extremely lonely.

Not that lonely. -Pretty lonely.

Not that lonely.

Very pathetic. Really lonely.

Thank you, Nandor, that is very interesting.

And can I just reiterate that your home is beautiful?

I-I mean, this tapestry, is this Turkish in origin?

-Y-Yes. Yes... -Around the 15th century, this one here?

Freddie's actually a junior associate

at an auction house in London.

He's kind of an art buff.

-(laughs): No. -Very good eye.

I disemboweled many villagers to get this tapestry.

: We're thinking of upping his medicine dose

-'cause... -(Freddie laughs)

I would love to hear more of your stories, Nandor.

I'm just so glad to have a new buddy.

Oh, that's me.

I am the buddy.

This, uh, this place is pretty dusty, though.

I'd tell you to get a Roomba in here, but, uh,

-I think it might kill itself. -(both laugh)

-(laughs) -I couldn't resist.

I don't know what any of that means, but I love it.

Okay. Such long teeth.

It's a genetic disorder in the family.

And, uh, if you ever need anyone to help you look after

any of these treasures,

-promise you'll give me a call, eh? -Oh.

So nice to meet you. What a, what a pleasure.

-I'll see you very soon. -Yes.

-All right. -Hopefully.

-Bye-bye. Sorry about that...

That's okay. -(door closes)

I cannot sleep.

My mind has been seized by thoughts

of a very special person.

A person by the name of...

Freddie.

Ever since he and Guillermo

left for the hotel, Freddie's charm

and sweet, supportive nature have echoed in my mind.

He touched my arm.

Also, things have grown a little stale

with my beloved Marwa.

Are you, um...

enjoying sitting in that chair?