The Mindy Project

Wow, Marcus,

I've never started a date this early.

I usually like the shroud of darkness.

You know, to hide my hoist and pulley shapewear system.

Well, we are headed to my favorite Chinese spot,

and it takes about two hours to get there.

Hold up, hold up... two hours?

Where is it? China?

I was all, "China?"

Seriously, if you wanted Chinese,

we can go to Asian Kitchen. It's around the corner.

Yeah, but that's a chain.

It's not really authentic Chinese.

I mean, their mascot

is a panda voiced by Kevin Hart.

Why would you settle for Asian Kitchen

when you know there's something better out there?

Listen, trust me, I pride myself on knowing

the best place in New York

to do just about everything.

Everything?

Okay, Mr. New York.

Show me what you got.

This place?

Hands down, the best General Tso's chicken

in New York.

Ooh.

I want to eat that poor bastard.

- This one here? - Yeah.

This place has the best vodka.

Whoa, it was worth

the racist encounter at the door.

This place has the best interactive theater experience.

Wow.

I like that that happened to me.

It's smart.

Well, this is my apartment.

- You know what? - Mm-hmm?

I just thought of one more

really cool thing I want to show you.

Oh, hey, I don't know if I can.

I'm still really tired from that adult pillow fight

you took me to.

- Oh. - Whoa.

No, see, I also know a guy

for the best sex in New York.

Whoa.

The Mindy Project - 04x20 - The Greatest Date in the World

In conclusion, may I remind you

that it is illegal to bet on the birth weight

of a baby in hospitals, under New York state law.

- Sorry, I thought... - I have an announcement.

I am so sick of the basic-bitch

gen pop places where we order lunch.

- Ohh! - And I'm lucky because

the cool guy I'm dating has some recommendations

for some new places.

These are, like, three hours away.

Mindy, I thought you loved chain restaurants.

Panera Bread sends you flowers on your birthday.

Not since they banned me

for eating a long baguette in a "lewd manner."

Speaking of birthdays,

I have one coming up in a few days,

and, I'm not expecting anything,

but it's an opportunity for a grand surprise.

Okay, does anybody have any actual business to discuss?

- I have a business. - Okay.

As we all know, Dr. C's office has been vacant

since him and Dr. L's ugly breakup.

Well, meanwhile, over in phlebotomy,

three larger-than-life nurses

are sharing a room the size of a closet.

Yeah, that's why we had our accident.

Break time, girls. Let's dish.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Ah! A skeleton!

Oh, God!

I still have blood in all my creases.

So we think the best use of Dr. C's office

would be... a nurse's lounge.

I'm sorry, you people want a nurse's lounge?

- Yeah. - Uh, no, no.

You're lucky to have jobs.

The doctors have a lounge

where they can go blow off steam.

Why can't we have the same?

Because we went to medical school.

I like the way the place is now.

There's a fun upstairs downstairs vibe.

This isn't "Downton Abbey," Jody.

And I'm not Mrs. Patmore.

Yeah, Colette is obviously Mrs. Patmore.

I'm Laura Linney.

I, for one, think it might be nice

for the nurses to have a comfy little nook

in which to discuss their modest dreams.

You know, Dr. Lahiri, you're the only doctor

that I actually look forward to seeing every year.

Aw, me, too. I'll tell you something.

You are my favorite patient.

No, it's true.

One night, I got drunk and ranked you guys.

Well, I'm sort of seeing someone.

We're not dating, but we're not not dating.

Kay, what does that mean?

Well, it's like we're best friends,

- but we have sex. - Red flag.

And he won't call me his girlfriend,

but he says our connection goes beyond labels.

Red flag.

Jonah doesn't want to be tied down.

I mean, he's a photographer.

Ooh, huge, huge red flag.

I know it's not perfect,

but dating's hard when you're our age.

Yeah, I hear that.

I recently went on a date

with a guy who had a mannequin on his couch.

No explanation.

The worst part is I went out with him again,

then they dumped me.

So I've been thinking a lot

about trying to get pregnant now.

Do you think you could help me?

Hmm. Let's see.

Would I be interested

in getting a fellow bangable, hot fashionista pregnant?

Um, how's this for an answer?

I'm... I'm so sorry.

"Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves" is supposed to play.

Instead, I signed up to be an Uber driver.

Okay, anyway, the point is

I would love to put a baby in you.

- You would? - Yeah!

- Really? - This is great.

I will just set up an appointment with you

at my fertility clinic. Oh, my God.

You're gonna meet Louis, my sperm guy.

Ugh. This guy? Cream of the crop.

I actually told him he should use that as a motto,

and he said it was crass. I don't know.

I got to go.

I have an Uber I have to go pick up on 31st Street.

Dr. Reed, welcome to the nurse's lounge.

- You want a tour? - Yes, please.

Come on in.

Over here is Tamra's spa.

I'm feelin' hella Zen.

Shh-shh. Leave her alone. Leave her alone.

Right here is Colette's area.

I'm making a P-51 Mustang.

My grandpa shot down 11 Japanese

in one of these bad boys.

And a couple of friendlies.

Let me show you "Morgan's Poetry Corner" right here.

Here's a little something I've been working on.

"Digital overload.

"Social media motherlode.

"Verizon, you don't own me.

"Verizon, release me from your roaming

and anytime fees."

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, I'm glad you're having fun.

Oh, look at this.

"They pay me to work here.

They don't pay me to like it."

Yeah, isn't that poster funny?

I actually don't think I get it.

I mean, British humor is obviously a lot more subtle.

Have you guys seen "The Farting Vicar"?

What's not to get?

The cows represent us,

and what they're saying represents how we feel.

Well, as long as you're all enjoying yourselves.

Oh, my God. I had it all wrong.

I just thought it was funny because he's got a briefcase.

Oh, my God. Eden, look at this one.

He is Harvard-educated,

super handsome, and he's a marathon runner.

New York Marathon.

See, I'm not like other spermists

who sell you a marathon runner,

and then you find out it's Chicago...

a notoriously easy and flat marathon.

- So easy. - Jody Kimball-Kinney,

I am not talking to you.

- Why? What did I do? - You won't give me a sample.

How can you deprive the world

of another pair of those cheekbones?

You keep sweet-talking me like that, Louis,

and you'll wear me down eventually.

Okay. It really feels like you're leading him on.

No, no, it's all in fun.

Wait, what about this guy?

You have great taste.

Stud 14 is very popular.

Wait, does that mean that my child will have,

like, a ton of brothers and sisters?