Friends

Oh. Hey, Ross.

I'm so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up?

- Sure. - Thank you.

Can you believe no one between my apartment and here...

...offered to do that for me?

People.

So why are you so dressed up?

Oh, Mike's picking me up for a date.

Oh, yeah? Now, how's that going? Is it getting serious?

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you know, I like him.

But, you know, am I ready to take my Grade A loins off the meat market?

I'm not quite sure.

You know, I really admire your whole dating attitude.

It's so healthy. I'm always like, "Is this moving too fast?

Is this moving too slow? Where's this going?"

Yeah, I know. You are a bit of a drama queen.

You're so much better off, you know? You just go from guy to guy having fun...

...and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.

I wouldn't say "never."

You know, there is that guy.

Okay, well, what about?

Okay, well, there has gotta be someone.

- There isn't! That's what I'm saying. - Oh, my God, you're right!

I know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.

I can't believe I never realized this before.

I'm in my 30s, and I've never been in a long-term relationship.

Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?

No, no, no.

Um, there's nothing wrong with you.

I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.

I want to get married!

No, please... Please don't cry because of me.

Pheebs, I don't know what I'm talking about, okay?

I've been divorced three times.

Well, at least you've been married.

Oh, my God. I want to trade lives with Ross?

Phoebe.

- What's wrong? - Nothing. I'm excited about our date.

Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike...

- Sorry, I didn't catch that. - Mike Hannigan.

- Oh, Ross Geller. - Hey.

- Uh, so are you sure you're ready to go? - Uh-huh.

How do I look?

- Do you have a compact in your purse? - No.

You look great.

- Hey, Joey. - This girl won't turn around.

I can't tell whether she's hot or not. What do you think?

Joey, I am not going to objectify women with you.

But if her face is as nice as her ass...

- Whoo, Mama. - All right. Thanks.

- Hey, have you talked to Chandler? - He has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.

- How come? - I don't know. He has to work.

There's some big rush on the...

Uh...

One of these days, I'm gonna have to start listening...

...when he talks about his job.

Hey, why don't you fly out there and surprise him?

Maybe I will go.

Yeah. We'll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.

Oh, and you know what you should bring?

Your black see-through teddy with the attached garters.

- How do you know I have one of those? - Didn't until just now.

Ugh. Hot. Not hot.

Hot!

Excuse me?

Uh, I said that I think you're hot.

And, uh, now I'm embarrassed. Heh.

Oh, I thought you said "hi."

That would've been better.

I'll try that. Hi, I'm Joey.

I'm Hayley.

Oh. Look, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.

Ha!

Gesundheit.

- But... - I would love to go out with you.

Really? Great.

Did I...? Did I actually ask you?

Oh, um, that's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out.

You don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?

Ha!

Seriously, Gunther. You should see someone about that cold.

If it gets much worse, you could die.

- So how'd the date go? - Well, it was awful.

Every time I thought about what you said, I started crying.

- So he hasn't called? - Would you call this girl:

"Thanks for a lovely evening"?

Now I feel terrible. This is all my fault.

You know what you should feel terrible about?

This could have been my serious guy.

He was sweet and smart and funny.

Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?

We are a rare breed.

What a great dinner.

Yeah, and hey, thanks again...

...for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.

Ha, ha. You're welcome again. I'm gonna go make some coffee.

- Can I get you anything? - Uh, do you have any cake?

So this is going pretty good.

Dinner was nice. We've got a lot in common.

Ooh, Victoria's Secret. Huh.

We even like the same books.

Ooh. There's a scary painting.

Wait a minute.

I think I've been scared by that painting before.

You know what? This whole place looks familiar.

I have definitely been in this apartment.

I know I've seen this weird plant before.

Ow! It did that the last time!

Oh, my God. I've gone out with this girl before.

Yeah! We had sex on this couch!

And then on that chair, and... No.

No, we didn't do it here...

...which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place.

Ow. That's why.

Hey, Mike. Uh, sorry to just drop by like this. Can I come in?

Sure.

Who are you?

I'm Ross. Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse?

Right, yeah.

I really, really need to talk to you about something.

Okay. Unless...

You're not gonna try and get me to join a cult, are you?

- No. - Oh...

No, it's just, you know, you have that look.

Damn Supercuts.

- Well, what's up? Is Phoebe okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah. No.

Oh, Phoebe is great. But, um...

I'm an idiot, okay?

Look, right before you guys went out, I accidentally got her all upset.

Oh. That's why she was weird.

Yes, yeah. I said something stupid...

...about her never having had a serious relationship.

But you should know, she is so much fun. A wonderful person.

- Please, don't blow her off. - I'm not gonna blow her off.

I actually just got off the phone with her. We're going out tomorrow night.

I mean, I hope that's okay with you, stranger from the coffeehouse.

Well, then, I didn't need to bother you.

Um, you or the four other Mike Hannigans I bothered.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Is that true what you said?

Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?

Of course she has.

If she's never had a serious relationship...

...do you think I'd go around broadcasting it...

...like some kind of unstoppable moron?

- But you did say it. - Yes. Yes, I did.

And I will also say...

...what I'm about to say...

...vis-à-vis...

...the following.

Phoebe has never had a serious relationship...

...since...

...her super-serious relationship...

...with...

...Vikram.

- Vikram? - What? That's a real name.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes

sweeping down the plain

Stop it.

Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas?

Seven o'clock.

Maybe I'll hit the gym.

Ah, who am I kidding? Pay-per-view porn.

- Do not disturb! Do not disturb! - Surprise!

- Monica? - Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's great. I was just, uh...

...watching some regular television there.

What a pleasant surprise.

- I'm gonna go freshen up, okay? - Okay, honey.

Ooh. That was close.

- Hello. Rach, it's me.

Okay, I just got to Chandler's room, and I caught him...

...molesting himself.

Ugh. That couldn't have been pretty.

But you know, guys do that.

Uh, well, the weird part is...

...he was getting off to a shark-attack show.

- No! - Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!

- While watching sharks? - Yeah.

Are you sure that's what he was doing?

Do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that?

Believe me, I know what he was doing.

Man. Sharks.

I always knew there was something weird about that dude.

You promised to love him no matter what.

"What" means, like, if he gets a disease or kills someone.

- Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws. - Oh.

You know what, honey? Guys are just different.

They like things that we can't understand.

You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend...

...that he was an archeologist, and that I was this...

...naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.