Solar Opposites

I need more retweets or I'll never get hired at Hollister.

Your Klout goes at the top of your rezzie, brah.

Did you see what I posted today? "Garfield fucks!"

But I only got three fucking retwats.

You gotta spot me for a bot army‐‐

‐ I know what you're gonna say.

‐ That you shouldn't be shrinking people down anymore?

‐ He deserved it.

‐ Yeah, he did. He was a real yutz.

‐ Wait, you aren't all freaked out about the Wall stuff anymore?

‐ Eh, policing you is like a whole second job.

This year, I'm focusing on what makes me happy.

I'm getting my realtor's license.

‐ You're sure you're not gonna be on my ass about this later?

‐ I just can't believe you're still shrinking people down.

It's tired. ‐ Not to me.

It's my favorite part of our whole thing.

They had an awesome little war in there.

Ah, I'm gonna keep doing it.

‐ Whatevs.

‐ Ooh!

Ow!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

Some animals are pets, but they‐‐ they eat animals,

and other animals they don't eat, they train them to play basketball.

like Air Bud Dog.

How come you can't just eat any animal.

‐ Terry, get down here. Your fries are losing heat due to entropy.

‐ Man, you can throw those fries up a butt.

I don't need 'em. ‐ What's with the untucked shirt?

You think you're fancier than us?

‐ Yeah, man. That's why I'm going to a fabulous dinner party.

‐ Why wasn't I asked? ‐ What? I didn't get invited.

‐ Uh, maybe because you guys hate people, parties, and going outside,

plus you don't even have button‐down shirts.

‐ Still nice to be asked.

You and I haven't had a night out in a long time.

Not since we went to that Chronicles of Riddick singalong at the Bowl.

What the hell, you're going too?

‐ I'm going to meet some rich old guys

and get them to leave their wives for some hot Black Mirror action.

‐ But I slaved away ordering all this from Hulu Luau.

You wanna waste a whole roasted pig and these fire wands?

‐ Sorry. Me and the Pupa are performing tonight.

We are a musical dyad.

‐ As team leader, I should be included in all things,

which I why I demand that we all be invited to this dinnering party.

‐ No! I‐I can't add a plus one so late in the day, let alone a plus two.

‐ Then I will activate the Earth Eraser, and we can all get turned into dust.

All matter will be atomized

in five, four, three... ‐ Okay. Jesus fucking Christ,

I added you to the RSVP. ‐ two and a half...

two‐‐ ‐ You've sufficiently cramped my style.

‐ Good. We shall leave in an hour.

I need to apply darker blue makeup

to... everywhere under my robe.

‐ Man, we gotta throw out that Earth Eraser.

Try and die, bitch.

‐ D‐d‐does my shirt look okay? Is‐is‐is it untucked enough?

‐ Yeah, man. Relax.

But remember, don't be yourself in there.

These people want you to have a good time.

‐ Shut up! I know that.

‐ Smell my peen!

They grow the grapes in Brooklyn in the middle of a Montessori preschool.

‐ Uh, yes, smells like, uh, wine.

Uh, uh, congratulations on your procurement of‐of the bottle.

‐ Wine? Who calls a Greenpoint Pinot "wine"?

‐ Oh, man, ah, he's just kidding.

Korvo would never do that.

‐ It's from Brooklyn. Brooklyn!

‐ Brooklyn? Brooklyn!

‐ Never been to Brooklyn, but I‐I‐I once chased

a mechanoid around Jupiter's moons.

‐ What a weird thing to say. Nobody cares about that.

We're talking about Brooklyn.

You're the one who demanded to come.

Could you at least try to be social?

‐ I am trying.

Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

‐ Hi there. I'm Mia. Welcome to the Wall.

Hola, me llamo Mia.

Bienvenidos a la Pared.

‐ Um, I speak English. ‐ Oh, goody!

I'm the Wall Greeter. Fresh lemonade?

‐ What is going on here? ‐ Shh! It's okay.

I know it seems overwhelming,

but you have nothing to be afraid of.

An alien boy shrank you down and put you in a terrarium

he keeps hidden in his bedroom wall.

‐ What the fuck! ‐ Our world used to be a terrible place,

full of violence and starvation.

The Wall was divided into levels, all run by a cruel dictator:

The Duke.

But then, Tim, a brilliant, fearless warrior led a resistance

that rose up against The Duke.

They fought a bloody war.

We lost many friends that evening.

But we also gained heroes.

We have many to thank for their sacrifices,

but none more than Cherie,

who lost her life slaying The Duke.

We're going to celebrate her with the first annual Cherie Day soon.

There's a feast and a parade, and everyone gets one lick

of our giant sugar cube.

‐ You people have a whole world in here?

‐ Yes. And you will too.

Look at this as a chance for a brand‐new life.

What have you always dreamed of doing?

‐ Um, I guess I've always wanted to design clothes.

Oh, my god, I've never said that out loud before.

‐ Perfect! Let me put in your first order.

I need a dress for Cherie Day.

I'm about a jellybean and a half tall.

‐ Donna Langley! ‐ Hey, Terry, come here.

We're playing inside baseball Hollywood executive Celebrity.

‐ Too easy.

David Nevins. Come on. Let's take the bumpers off.

‐ Yumyulack, you're up. ‐ And go.

‐ I don't know who the fuck this is.

‐ Pass and go to the next one.

‐ Okay, uh, this person's name sounds like a demon.

‐ Did they reinvent TV on DVD?

‐ You didn't know Doug Herzog?

Look,

we got a lot of applause out there, but it was 100 percent gratuitous.

I don't wanna point fingers at the weak link here,

but you were way off.

Get your shit together, Pupes!

‐ How the fuck were we supposed to know Debbie Liebling?

How about we play Celebrities from the home world, huh?

Here's one. This Shlorpian invented heated goo?

‐ Uh, uh‐‐ Zelgar. ‐ Yes! Point for us.

‐ Uh, this party just got real lame about two seconds ago.

‐ Yeah, I think it was when Craig started to explain the David S. Pumpkins sketch.

‐ Korvo, man, uh, how about you guys just go on and get out of here.

You're, uh, kinda ruining the vibe.

‐ We're ruining the vibe?

Did you not hear Jamie try to do his impression of a train?

‐ Look, you apologize to him right now!

‐ You can all go smell peen in hell!

‐ How dare you!

A good peen would never survive in that heat anyway.

‐ Hey, welcome to the Wall.

I'm Steve, the nutritionist.

Here's your produce for the day.

Fresh blueberries and cherry tomatoes.

‐ Wow, these are gorgeous.

‐ Well, I grew them myself from seeds we pulled out of a KIND bar.

Enjoy.

Heya, Halk. Here are you "nutes."

‐ Wow, Steve. These look great.

You've really got a green thumb. ‐ Oh, come on.

I'm nothing compared to a war hero like you.

‐ Oh, well, I don't like to dwell on those days.

‐ Well, I'll never forget how many people you pulled out from under those Nerds.

So many of my friends who could have died that day

are around because of you.

I brought you something special.

‐ Aw, Steve is really growing the hell out of those KIND bar seeds.

Mm, mm.

This... Uh!

This is the best thing in the Wall.

‐ That strawberry is the best thing in here?

‐ Yep. Nothing better.

‐ Nothing in your life is better than a berry?

‐ Mm. I can't think of anything.

‐ Such a shame, 'cause I was gonna give you this.

‐ Oh, Halk!

‐ I had this whole speech about how I wanna spend the rest of my tiny life

with the woman with the biggest heart.

‐ Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Although I do love that strawberry.

I hate dinner parties.

Why couldn't that have just been a regular party

where people think I'm eccentric?

‐ Let's go home and get that DNA melter from the ship

and melt them all into flesh pudding.

‐ No, they'll just throw another dinner party

and make fun of us for using a melter that isn't from Brooklyn.

‐ I wish we could melt all dinner parties and just be done with it.

‐ Oh, driver, take us to the poorest, crookedest senator in the country.

There's an extra billion dollars in it for you

if you get us there by morning.

‐ You got it, bub.

You know, we cabbies used to run this city,

but then Uber‐‐ ‐ Two billion if we go in silence.