The Office

Hold it!

New glasses.

Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.

I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning.

My aunt Shirley has died.

Oh, Dwight, I'm so sorry.

Were you guys close?

I would say that she raised me,

but let's not kid each other.

I raised myself.

She was, however,

the closest thing I had to a mother.

My actual mother was very cold and distant.

I'd say she was the closest thing I had

to an aunt.

- My condolences. - Keep them!

Okay. Now, what do we got in these two pails?

In keeping with Schrute custom,

I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral

by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face,

or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance

during my time of grief,

with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.

What color is it?

It looks pretty black.

Yep. Acidic all right.

Oh, thank God.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dwight.

And if you want me to be there,

of course I will go.

It's just... I have a personal training session.

Okay, that's not--

I get red dirt.

Nobody is getting red dirt.

I should've kept my mouth shut.

We're not even that close.

I've only known Dwight 12 years.

12 years.

Time is a son of a bitch.

I'm sure-- I'm sure she's in a better place.

I really hope so.

Okay, now this is crazy.

You can't make a dirtball--

- I miss her so much. - Okay.

You know?

Aah!

- Ziek's here. - Ziek!

Hey, Dwight.

Mose, mom says hi.

Hi to mom.

You going?

Will there be ghosts there?

- Get in the sidecar. - Get in the sidecar.

Get in the sidecar.

- You get in the sidecar. - Get--

What are you doing here?

You invited me.

You threw the red dirt in my face.

Oh, yeah.

Who is that?

Jeb, my brother.

- You have a brother? - Mm-hmm.

I didn't really see a better parking spot.

Oh!

Look what I did.

It's a rental.

- You wanna go in? - No, you do!

You wanna go in? You wanna go in?

- I'll put you in there. - Okay, I'll put you--

- Here we go. - Oh!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Oh!

- Oh, gosh. - Hey, moonface.

Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.

Who's this guy?

- Bad. - Hi, all!

Why are you here, Todd?

Okay, let's get right to it, I guess.

My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery.

I'm working the steps.

I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous,

step nine of Narcotics Anonymous.

I'm here to make amends.

I've been hard to deal with over the past years.

Kind of a jerk. I know it.

I don't need you to accept my apology,

but I'd love it if you did.

Packer, we accept.

Actually, they have a specific way

I need to do this,

and I have to go through examples of stuff.

Okay, uh, where to begin?

Hey...

Pam-Pam and her pam-pams.

Well, I have said some crude things about those.

But they are beautiful,

and I guess that's why I acted out.

Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you

and personified your breasts.

Sorry, guys.

Oh, boy.

I have not been nice to you.

Phylly,

I'm sorry for the things I said about your size

to your face, behind your back,

and in the form of drawings.

Actually, that goes to all you double XLs.

Stanley, Kevin...

this kid in a few years.

Todd, you're just saying insults

in the form of an apology.

Why can't I just be nice?

Truth is I really like you guys. I really do.

Okay, the apology's just half of it.

The big thing is making amends,

and that's why I brought these.

I went out to the Steamtown mall,

and I got you all cupcakes from that place Nipples.

Think it's called Nibbles.

Ha. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

Ohh...

there you go.

Hey, hey, guys. Wait.

Before we accept these cupcakes,

I think we need to have a conversation privately

in the conference room.

Don't eat the cupcake.

We are here today

to join this woman on the ground....

Man is born of woman,

and his life is full of turmoil.

It's crap soil. Nothing's gonna grow here.

It doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.

Yeah, well, I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all.

Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.

That's fine, 'cause they're not gonna grow.

Well, thank God they're not,

because we don't wanna make zombies.

Good. I agree. Don't worry about it.

You won't get any.

Would the family care to say something?

You had black hair and then gray hair.

You were the aunt to my cousins.

Most of your life, you were 5'4".

At the end, you were 5'1".

They're a descriptive people.

I see you started without me.

You were late, so... what am I supposed to do?

- Hi, Fanny. - Hey.

- How are you? - Who is that?

- Dwight's sister. - Dwight has a sister?

Yeah.

She's beautiful.

Blech.

Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years.

Wha-- what is this-- oh, God.

What'd he--

- Henry. - Dwight.

I see Esther's back in town.

Hi, Dwight.

Hi, Esther. Nice of you to come today.

This was on the way. We're going into town after.

I need yarn.

Well, if you can snap two chicken necks

with a single motion,

why use two motions to slaughter those chickens?

We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Anyone mention her height? - Yep.

Land size?

Shirley, at 1,600 acres,

you have the largest farm in the area,

sharing borders with six other farms

including my own farm and your nephew Dwight's.

Okay.

So... let's get it going.

Would you want to do the honors?

Oh, right, uh...

you know, I-I don't think we have to do this.

We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor

to tell us who's alive and who's dead.

But there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers.

And when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks

on the inside of some of the coffins,

we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead...

out of kindness.

That's it for me.

I don't think we should eat Packer's cupcakes.

We can't give him the satisfaction.

I agree.

Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes

so they're dense but they're also really fluffy.

We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes.

He was awful to us.

And he still is.

How much is a cupcake, 2.50?

Is that the price of our dignity?

3.75 a cupcake actually, 3.67 if you buy a dozen.

I never forget a number.