Family Guy

Oh, I am so excited for Stewie's first play.

Don't you think it's a little soon

for a musical about Terri Schiavo?

Or too late?

Shh, it's starting.

Hi, Doctor, it's me.. Michael Schiavo.

How's my wife doing? She's a vegetable.

I hate vegetables.

Don't worry about her, Mr. Schiavo.

She's being kept alive by Medical Science.

Gee, look at all this stuff.

How does it all work?

Well, I'll tell you.

Oh, my God, here comes Jared.

Wow, he's in Kindergarten.

Hey, so you're the Plug this year?

Hey, Jared.

Yeah, I'm the Plug.

Yeah, I was the Plug three years in a row.

Like I don't know that?

Everybody knows that, Jared.

Well, listen, don't you try to be a Jared Plug, all right?

You just go out there, you be the best Stewie Plug you can.

I sure will, Jared.

Hey, you got any Gummi Bears on you?

No.

It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

You know, they say don't meet your heroes,

but they can eat my ass, because that was awesome!

I don't know, don't you think

it's kind of weird that he's in Kindergarten

and he's still hanging around kids our age?

Hey, we are very lucky.

Oh, here I go.

There he is.

Quick, Peter, grab the video camera.

All right, all right.

What's wrong with Stewie?

I think he has stage fright.

I think he has stage fright, Peter.

That's what I just said, I said that.

Look at Stewie.

What a baby.

Aw, no way.

Hey, Chris, look, is that Richard Dreyfuss?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, Dreyfuss, where you going?

Get back here.

Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog?

My nephew's in the play.

God, can't you go anywhere these days

without these damn Paparazzi?

Where you going?

Oh, you going to the bathroom?

You going to have a Close Encounter of the Turd Kind?

Hey, I think you're going to need a bigger boat.

These jokes are for you, Peter,

When you watch this tape in the future.

Hi, Future Peter.

I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home.

Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.

I'm going to plant a tree for you when I get home.

Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.

Eeeeeee!

Now look at your hand.

It's just a nub, 'cause I'm gonna cut off all the fingers.

Oh, yeah, Past Peter?

Well, two can play that game.

Take that.

Uh, wait a minute.

How was your bowel movement, Peter?

Eh, I got some, but I didn't get the troublemaker.

Wait, what time is it? I got to turn on TMZ.

Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar

when we caught up with her outside her home in the hills.

Rene, what was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks?

Is it true you were born in 1880?

This is my rassinfrackin' land, and I don't care what no man

from no Tennessee Valley authority says, consarnit!

Why are we watching TMZ?

I hate this show.

Keep watching.

So what do you got?

I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom

at his nephew's play in Rhode Island.

Richard, hey, Richard.

Hey, can I get your autograph?

Fine.

Do you have a pen and paper?

What do I look like, a Staples?

I don't carry that stuff around.

Look, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Oh, what, you too big and famous to walk over

to that corner drugstore and pick up a pen and paper

and possibly some other groceries I need

and come back and sign several things for me?

You're a jerk.

That was my tape, Everybody.

I sent that in and they put it on tv,

which makes me a famous journalist.

Journalist? You're badgering a celebrity

and passing it off as news.

Yeah, journalist.

And I got a hundred bucks for it,

which I used to buy this $4,000 video camera.

Meet Peter Griffin, Video Paparazzi.

From now on I'm gonna be right where the action is,

like my uncle "The Guy in the White Hat" Griffin.

Stewie, Stewie, how's that oatmeal?

Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal?

What do you say about the rumors

that you have a full diaper?

I'm just trying to eat here.

What did you do to your mother's vagina?

Leave me alone!

How come your feet are so small?

Is it true you can't say "Spaghetti"?

What about the rumors that you have cooties?

Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months?

Daddy, help me, Daddy!

I can't get involved 'cause of journalism.

Tom, Tom Tucker, Tom!

The news isn't funny.

It's not supposed to be funny.

Tom, who were you having dinner with in there?

Was it a guy? Are you gay?

Someone said you were gay.

It was me.

Are the rumors I'm making up true?

Ignore me if you're gay.

Mayor West, over here.

What hot spot are you going to this Friday night?

Oh, I've got some pretty nifty plans,

my camera wielding friend.

Yeah? That's right.

Every Friday night, I'm a Clearance Sale Area Rug.

Boy, I hope somebody buys me.

I'd look swell in their den.

Aw.

Ollie Williams, why do you look so much like Will Smith?

Hey, Will Smith,

What was it like to punch that alien in the face?

Eddie Murphy, what was that whole thing

with you and that transvestite hooker?

Bernie Mac, how come you died?

Oprah, why are you so fat, Don Cheadle?

You almost done in there, Peter?

Hang on, Lois.. stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.

I got to put in my contacts.

By the way, the repair shop called.

They said they can't fix your camera.

Well, that's just great, Lois, that's great.

And here I was going to use the money

to take you to "Can-cun" this winter.

Cancún, Peter.

Whoa, whoa, I don't like Ollie any more than you do,

but we are a 21st century family,

and I will not have that kind of talk here.

Whatever.

Griffin, did you call the distributor

about the...?

What, what's the problem?

Okay, look, I know I was watching tv,

but I'll, I'll stay late.

No, that's not it, Griffin.

There's, there's something different about you.

You're not wearing glasses.

Yeah, they got busted; I'm wearing contacts.

I can see your eyes and, and your eyelashes..

They're beautiful.

Who cares? What gives?

Griffin, I never noticed you before.

I like what I see.

Uh, okay.

Oh, no, I dropped my pencil.

Oh, I'll get it for you.

Yeah, this is gonna

Work out just fine.

Excuse me.

Family, we need to talk.

Your father was sexually harassed at work today.

What?

That's right.

Angela grabbed my ass.

So what?

Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man.

Why not?

I don't know, it just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, guys like being touched by women.

It's not harassment if you like it.