Lady Dynamite

Whoa!

What happened to you?

I had to go on an action date with Chad.

I had to roller skate up Runyon Canyon.

Why would you even do that?

Well, because he read my OKCupes profile, and I wasn't 100% honest, really.

What's it say? Let me see it.

It was around the truth.

Wow, you think? Look at this.

- Interests: hiking. - Yeah.

- Speedboating. - I wish.

- Rock climbing, anything with rocks. - I hope.

- Jam bands. Tumbling? - Why not?

- March Madness? - What is it?

I've never seen you give a shit about any of this before.

That was the old me trying not to be the real me.

- Okay. - That was BladeHardorDie12.

The fact that there's 11 other people with that name

makes me wanna kill myself.

Oh, God. Chad just sent me a text for the...

Tough Mudder race in Santa Barbara next weekend.

Don't people die during those?

Mmm-hmm. All the time.

You know, I could get you a sign-up sheet.

You're hurting yourself as you're hurting me.

- That right? - Guys.

I've got to go tell Chad

I am not this person.

I've spent over $2,600 at Sports Authority.

I am becoming a sports authority.

No more action dates.

I am not active!

- Good. - All right.

Go make some boundaries.

Watch out, guys!

I... I stop with my hands, which means I'm on an adventure.

I'm a pterodactyl.

I'm so super pumped about how super pumped you are

about crushing it fitness-wise.

Oh, God, yeah.

The most important thing in life is health.

Yeah. That's why I signed us up

for a doubles couple Ironman competition in San Diego.

I didn't wanna tell you until we got kale shakes.

But, like my ab tattoo says,

you just gotta live in the moment.

Yeah. Hey, um...

Chad!

I have something really important to tell you.

Chad? Oh, God!

That's insane. I have something important to tell you, too.

- Oh, my... We're, like, in sync. - Yeah.

Wait. Before you go...

Let me turn the GoPro on 'cause I wanna tell you something.

- Okay. - Maria Bamford.

Yeah?

- Look right down the barrel. - Okay?

I love you.

Okay.

- Now, you go. - Okay, what do I say?

Say, "I love you, too."

I love you, too...

Fuck yeah, you do!

Let's get up this hill like a tiger.

So, how'd it go with Chad?

Did you tell him that you're 90% slug?

I couldn't. It all went terribly wrong.

It was like a nightmare. He told me he loved me.

And then I tell him,

"Oh, I love you, too."

Isn't that how you're supposed to do it? Don't ask me.

I can't give this cat away.

Listen, cunt. Could you go?

Come on. I wanna hear the rest of the story.

My therapist says you're a trigger. I don't wanna live like this.

I respect your journey.

That's it. I'm gonna break up with him.

Why?

Why? You ask, "Why"?

- Yeah. - Well, for one,

he went on a total rampage at the batting cages.

Yeah, yeah.

I forgot to tell you.

Fucker! Bitch! Whore! Slut! Fucking cunt!

Wait, so he screamed at you, "Bitch, cunt, whore, slut."

Well, I don't know if it was exactly those words,

but it was the essence of the gist of it.

It's like I saw him for the first time.

It's like a veil lifted, and a monster was there.

Maria, this does not sound like the Chad that you were action-dating,

or was it datercising?

I'm telling you, it was like a veil lifted...

and a monster was there.

Good job.

Fuck! I am gonna kill this fucking, asshole puppy!

Oh, God! No!

Wait, where did the puppy come from?

- I didn't tell you? - No!

The puppy was there the whole time.

But I thought he wanted to hit you?

He wanted to hit me. He wanted to hit everyone.

His rage was indiscriminate.

It was like a veil was lifted and a monster was there.

It has now become clear that the cure for cancer is

and only can be...

Strike three, fuckos.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Wait, I get it. You're fucking with me, right?

No! No, it's like a veil was lifted... and a monster was there.

Okay, little mama, listen. I think I know what's happening.

Chad told you that he loved you and you freaked out.

'Cause you don't think you're worthy of love, but that's not true.

- We all love you. I love you. - I love you.

We just want you to be happy.

Why can't you let him love you?

I have my reasons.

There is just no way to understand them.

Actually, there was.

In the past, I had no boundaries with men,

which became an issue when I decided to sell my house.

It wasn't the only thing on the market.

Apple pie Glade Plugln,

Baked brie, check. Toll House cookies, check.

That is how you take an open house into a sold house.

Oh, my gosh!

No!

Those aren't pleasure cookies. They're business cookies.

Okay.

- No! - Oh.

- Those are not... - Come on...

No!

Oh, God.

Oh, oh!

What's wrong with you?

What is this shit?

That's my vision drawer.

It's a message to the universe of what I want in a perfect man,

so the universe will bring said man to me.

- That's sad. Clear it out. - Okay.

Put it in your bedroom where no one else

- has ever been. - Okay.

Are those dogs? They need to go.

Do you have a cardboard box and packing tape?

You can't do that.

You can. I once put a Rottweiler in a plastic wreath container.

He sleeps in there. He loves it.

Do you think we can sell this house?

I know I just bought it, but I just wanna get rid of it.

I don't know why you're selling.

You have so much money coming out of that ass crack from Checklist ads.

Every time I open the computer, one pops up.

It interrupted my porn. I had to work you in.

I don't know how much longer I'll be doing it.

I think Checklist is evil.

And Susan is right. This house isn't right for me.

I need to unload it as fast as possible.

- Hey! - Jesus Christ!

You listen up good right now!

I'm gonna say this one time.

- Okay... - You are not unloading this house.

- Okay. - Okay? Bullet points.

You're about to move in with your boyfriend, okay?

He runs a hedge fund.

- You're huge in London. - Okay, yeah.

- You're selling out the Buckingham Palace. - Okay.

- You're in demand there. - Okay.

- This house is in demand, okay? - Okay.

- Okay? - Okay.

Don't fuck with me, Maria.

Don't fuck me.

Hi! Come on in!

- What the... - Hi!

So, yes. My husband is very rich

with money from his hedge trimming business,

so, we're moving to Buckingham Palace.

Money's not an object for me or an issue,

you know, it's like, just so much of it except for folding it, you know.

How much I have in my pockets.

It's a very sturdy kitchen.

Rebar... ...coming up through...

And there's a roof.

I'm scared of my realtor.

Blossy? Where... Oh.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

These two guys must have been playing around in here.

Got themselves stuck inside this perfectly sealed box.

Oh... Karen Grisham.

So, you're looking at this house, too?

Well... kinda. For the last time. For I am the seller!

I'm moving in with my fiance.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah.

Yeah!

- What a fun way to tell me that. - Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing.

So... does any of this furniture come with the place?

- No! - Ah!

- I have the exact same cologne. - Really?

Oh... And I'm wearing the exact same shirt.

You are. You really are.

Holy shit.