Yannick

I don't believe it.

I just don't!

I don't know how else to say it.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it!

I don't believe it.

Words fail me. I don't believe it.

- I don't believe it. - Oh, come on!

Words fail me. I'm devastated.

No, worse than that: I'm crushed.

Now, excuse me.

I need to eat.

Oh, come on!

You know what?

It's ruined my appetite. I'm not hungry. I'm disgusted.

Thanks!

Oh, come on.

You must've expected it.

No, I didn't.

I know they say it happens to all men at least once.

I didn't think it'd happen to me at my age. Not like this!

Couldn't you wait till the weekend to tell me?

No, I felt like telling you tonight.

Oh, did you?

Yes.

Madam felt like it!

You're lucky to do things you feel like.

Take me... I feel like eating lobster.

That's what I'd like. But what is there?

Oh, look! Corn with butter, for a change!

What a treat! I'm gonna enjoy this!

Corn is yellow. That's for cuckolds. Is it a hint?

No!

I thought you'd like it. I didn't know yellow was for cuckolds!

You thought I'd like it? OK, let's do this.

Where did you meet that cretin?

Stop it!

You know the walls are paper-thin!

Let me think...

With his ugly face, I bet he's a banker! You met him at the bank!

Serge, please keep your voice down.

Sorry, but this is my home. I can say what I want!

Why has he been in the bathroom for ages? It's not normal!

Oh, be nice. He's sick!

Nice?!

Nice to the guy who's stealing my wife?

Yes, be nice.

He picked up a terrible superbug on safari in Kenya.

His insides are a total mess. It's no fun!

Jeez, Madeleine! Let me sum it up.

It's hard to hear you're cheating on me on a Tuesday night.

So be it.

But on top of that, it's with a guy who has gut trouble!

Do you want me to kill myself?

What next? Will you tell me you're pregnant?

You don't understand,

you don't listen to me. That's the problem.

It's purely platonic.

- Sure it is! - Of course!

That goes right over your head. Well, it exists, you know.

Yeah, in your dumb novels.

Look, I knew it was a bad idea for you to read.

It's a bad influence on you. "Platonic"... Bullshit!

Fred warned me:

"Watch out, buddy.

"If she reads romance novels, you're in for trouble."

He was right.

I don't just read novels.

I subscribed to that science magazine.

Well, about time!

I hope he cleaned up. I don't want to catch his superbug.

Stop it!

Sorry it took so long.

We took the opportunity to talk.

Don't worry about us.

We had a lot to say. We don't split up every night!

By the way, do you want a bite to eat?

We didn't ask. So rude.

I don't know...

Yes, why not?

No, I don't think so. Let's go, darling.

What's the rush? We have time, no?

Let me spend time with my replacement.

It's now or never, isn't it? Go ahead.

Open the fridge and help yourself.

No, Bruno, get your jacket. We're going.

Well, he seems nice. Let's stay for 5 minutes.

He is. That's not the problem.

Are you afraid we'll become friends?

No, I don't want him to open the fridge.

Well, I'd like him to.

I want to spend time with my replacement.

So, help yourself.

Sit down. We guys will chat.

I'll tell you a few things about your new chick.

You'll see, she's full of surprises.

Very amusing!

So, do I open the fridge or not?

Open it! I'd like that.

Bruno, if you do, I warn you...

What?

Show her you're a man. Open it!

I'm warning you...

- Open it! - Don't open it.

Pardon me.

Sorry to interrupt. I know it's not right.

I'll be quick so I don't disturb you too much.

First of all, good evening.

I'm Yannick.

I'm speaking up.

Don't get offended, but I don't find this entertaining.

Sorry to be so blunt.

It can't be nice to hear,

but I paid for something entertaining

and I'm supposed to feel good.

It feels like quite the opposite.

You're adding to my problems, not making me forget mine.

So, that ain't right, right?

There's a problem.

Nonsense!

I don't think you fully realize, but that's not the done thing.

I know. I apologize once again.

It's just that I got organized to come here tonight.

I'm a night watchman, I work 7 days a week.

I had to take a day off work.

You probably don't realize, but it's complicated.

I can't do it often.

I need to ask my boss

and get a colleague to replace me.

So, if I take a day off work

to be entertained, I wanna be entertained.

Otherwise, it's a catastrophe.

I'm not saying it's deliberate. I know you're just the actors.

It's not your fault. I expect someone is responsible.

A director, right?

Yes, he's the playwright, too.

I should talk to him. That would be wiser.

Can you get him out here so I can explain my problem?

Look, let's make it even easier.

I'll give you his number, you can go call him

and tell him, so we can get back to work, OK?

You're joking! Isn't he here?

No.

The guy in charge

isn't here to check you do good work.

What?

Wait...

Hold on...

It's normal it goes wrong if the captain isn't here.

What the hell is this?

No, you're making it all go wrong.

Yeah, we'll do this play at least 60 times,

so the director can't be here every night.

So, this is a madhouse! What is this dive?

What if a restaurant chef didn't show up?

How crass!

It's not the same.

It is. Customers pay for a service.

If it isn't satisfactory, you need to complain to the boss.

If I order some meat in a restaurant

and I find hair on my plate,

what do I do if I'm told

the cook isn't there?

We understand your restaurant metaphor,

but we're different.

This is a stage. It's art, OK?

- Art?! - It's not a piece of meat, OK?

That's a good 'un. Art!

I didn't pay for that! Think I'm the culture secretary?

I want a nice change.

That's a different ballgame.

What's art anyway? I won't start arguing...

We're all artists, aren't we?

I could draw a banana and 3 apricots on a kitchen table

if I had the time.

Let's stop this because you're being a pain.

You can't ruin everyone's night with a monologue.

If you don't like the play, you can leave.

You can get a refund.

- Just go - Yeah!

That's too easy.

I took a day off work to come here. The money is one thing,

but my whole evening has been ruined.

You can't pay for that. Don't you see?

Time is a precious thing. I don't have 50 days' vacation.

I can't waste a day on this disaster,

especially if it gets me down.

- OK, enough! - What?

OK, we get it, you're not happy.

Don't bug everyone. You're a pain.

How long did it take you to get here?

- What's it to you? - Listen...

It took me 45 minutes on the train from Melun,

plus a 15-minute walk, OK?

Do the math, it's a long commute!

Then, I have to go back. So, double it.

That's your problem, pal.

Sorry, no-one cares!

I'm explaining my frustration.

You got your message across.