Heroines (Héroïnes)

Christmas is weird, when you think about it.

Everyone treats it like this family-friendly celebration,

but if you read the story properly,

it's all about virgin pregnancies, murdering babies

and kicking people out onto the street.

Merry Christmas!

- Mum, you can't wear that. - Ai-ya, no respect.

Tam, look what I found. Remember Rudolf-lah?

Yep. I made it for Dad.

So how's Dad getting his presents under the tree this year?

At Christmas, Dad helps with the tree,

but on the day, he just heads to work.

At least he won't need to travel far now he's sleeping there.

Plus, Dad doesn't like how all our presents are made in China,

even though he was made there too.

Ben, did you read the manual?

Yeah.

- There! - Yeah!

It never looks like that when Dad does it.

It said she was looking for all ages and body types.

Ben?

- Sorry, what? - What's wrong?

You haven't interrupted once.

What if Mum never lets Dad back? It's already been a week.

It'll be fine. It's not permanent.

- It was for Troy. - Troy's an only child.

And parents are more likely to endure a horrible sadness the more kids there are.

Oh, my God, stop!

Sorry, I was just checking your coccyx.

This is it.

Beryl Streep!

You ready?

Well...

This is so impressive!

And it's so refreshing to see the diversity here.

I mean, you with your... Orientalism

and you with your...

differently-abled carriage.

So, you want to be actors, hmm? Tell me why.

Well, I've always liked making people happy.

It's true. Every time he gets on stage, people can't stop laughing.

That's good, that's good.

And do you have any on-camera experience?

Our clarinet ensemble was on the local news once.

In the background, on a story on the crystal meth epidemic.

Well, that's... something.

Now, I see something special in you both.

But before we move on,

there's just the minor matter of our membership fees.

- $400 is a lot of money. - It's an investment. In my career.

- $100. - Dad...

- $125. - You can't bargain. It's a set fee.

What are you doing to your underwear?

It kills the germs.

It's just until your mum decides not to be crazy any more.

You may be waiting a while.

And Christmas always makes her go even more nuts.

Dad... you should come to Christmas.

Ai-ya, you know how many customers I get for Christmas.

All the other restaurants are closed, so they have no choice,

which means...

If you took Christmas off, brought Mum a present...

Can't we do Christmas another day?

I can't do it. There's no way.

"Ooh, look at us! We have the perfect marriage.

"We have a perfect home and we have perfect children.

"Both of them have eyelids..." Blah, blah, blah!

- Ai-ya! - Aunty... Aunty.

Ai-ya, Candy's pippy hairs, blocking the drain!

Ah-Jenny!

Aunty... Aunty.

What?

Lady-boys.

- Someone got her period! - Shut up, Michelle!

I'm going to kill you!

Someone got her period...

Ai-ya, such busybodies!

Judge judge, snoop snoop!

Hello? At least I didn't have an affair with my cousin, Aunty Daisy.

Wait, you're not supposed to know about that.

So, I spoke to Dad and...

he's coming over for Christmas.

I don't think so.

You remember one time your daddy says he'll come to Christmas?

- You were so excited. - I remember.

But no Daddy. You all went to bed so disappointed.

Then he wakes you up in the middle of the night, dressed as Santa.

Scared out your living shit!

This will be different.

He's taking the day off work for us.

Okay. So Daddy comes.

Then what?

Daddy complains, everyone stress...

I'll do it. Decorations, shopping, the food...

Everything.

You?

Just give Dad this one chance.

You know, when we first got married, I was so happy.

Daddy was so handsome. Everyone said "Perfect couple."

Then after, pop-pop-pop, baby-baby-baby.

Then cooking, cleaning, wipe up poo-poo.

No more romantic time, nothing.

Poof! All gone.

And you won't need to worry because when you come over...

- I haven't said I'm coming over. - ... you won't need to do a thing.

- Mum will be relaxed... - Yeah, but...

And I've spoken to Uncle Clement. He'll open and close.

All you have to do is turn up, and then it's going to be so much fun.

- Everything will go perfectly and... - Okay, okay. Okay.

- You're a good boy. - Dad, come on!

I don't just wake up like this.

Okay. This is for food. Get only the best.

No home brand, okay?

- What are you wearing? - Do you like it?

They say red... is the most eye-catching colour!

Eugh! Why would someone give us a tooth?

Oh, no, it's a Tic Tac.

Nuh! That's a tooth.

Are all parents so difficult? How come yours are so close?

Well, Mum says touch is the key.

Yuck!

Listen to this.

Is that... human?

That's Mum.

That's Dad.

Sorry, that's the blender. I was making a smoothie.

Can I use two Shop-A-Dockets at the same time?

And I also have my "Sassy Singles" discount card.

Miss Streep! Hello!

Oh, hello, you... two.

And look at those outfits.

So precious!

We've been busking so that we can afford your fees...

Miss Streep, we were wondering,

do you offer payment plans of any sort?

Because if we put down a deposit...

As soon as you have the cash, I will find you work immediately.

I mean, with a face like yours...

Okay, well...

Merry Christmas!

Seven, eight, nine dollars and...

80 cents change.

Which brings us to a new total of...

What are you doing?

Hey!

Seriously? Acting?

She's represented two Most Promising New Talent Logie nominees.

Ben, all these people are 'gweilo'.

She may as well call it the Aryan Acting Academy.

Oh, well, she's black.

Actually... that might be a tan.

Tammy, please, you don't tenderise an intact bird.

Are you sure about this?

Mrs Campbell from Home Ec said cooking turkey's really hard.

Yes, well, after her nervous breakdown,

Mrs Campbell probably thinks everything is hard.

Why not just do Mum's steamboat? Then we could put these in.

Because we're doing a proper Christmas this year!

Now stretch this open.

- Open it. - Eurgh! Gross!

Eurgh!!

The poor turkey. So spread open.

If anyone knows what that feels like, it's Jenny...

Mum!

Will your dad even eat this?

Is Dad coming over for Christmas?

Yay!!

Come on!

Form. Stiff. Peaks.

Good evening, sister.

Ben!

Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Mum said you were going out with Nicki.