Anger Management

Okay. Who would like to start today?

I would.

Whoa, what's with the attitude?

It's a splint.

I broke my finger last night because of you.

See, everybody?

And how exactly was I involved in that?

You didn't answer your phone.

I was in line at a club when some dog-faced bitch

shoved me and I tripped and fell on the ground.

- And that's how you broke your finger? - No.

I was angry, so I called Charlie to talk me down,

but you didn't pick up.

So I found said bitch, took her face,

shoved it into the turntables, got my finger caught

in her cheap-ass weave, and it broke.

First of all, said therapist

takes no responsibility for said bitch slam.

But, Lacey, if you had gotten a hold of me,

what would I have said?

You would have said for me to use

my communication skills, express my hurt,

breathe deeply, and walk away.

So why didn't you do that?

I couldn't get in touch with you.

Okay, let's solve this problem.

Well, if we took some of that tape around her wrist

and put it over her mouth, I think that would solve it.

Look. You all know the basic techniques of anger management.

Now, in the event that you can't get through to me,

there's no reason you can't contact each other.

We'll call it the anger buddy call system.

This is actually a really good idea.

- Ed, you'll call Patrick. - Oh, crap.

Patrick, you'll call Nolan. And, Nolan...

- Ed calls me, I call Patrick. - Oh, crap.

Nolan, you'll call Lacey, and, Lacey, you call Ed.

- Hello? - Hi.

Guys, I don't think you're getting the idea.

- Nolan, if you call Lacey again, you better be... - On fire.

- With rage and about to... - Stab yourself in the face.

Lacey, sometimes I worry that you're...

Too bitter to ever find a good guy to love me?

That I'm going to end up living

in some '90s stucco condo

in Burbank with some loser?

Like Nolan!

Hey, Charlie.

- Hi, Kate. - Don't worry about it, Charlie.

This is my friend Victor.

- Nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

Victor and I met at a silt auction

for the Museum of Contemporary Arts.

We got into a little bidding war

over one of Andy Warhol's wigs.

- We were outbid by the Sultan of Brunei. - Barely.

I feel ya. I can't tell you how many wigs

I've lost to that guy. What a dick.

Okay, well, I'll see you tonight.

Excuse me, but don't you want to have a little playdate tonight?

Uh-h. Victor and I are going to engage

in some pseudointellectual one-upmanship over dinner,

then the symphony, and then I'm coming over to your place to bang.

So how are you feeling today?

Stupid, but bangable.

Oh, come on. You're not jealous.

Of Grandpa Victor?

No, I'm sure his tales of the Old West are spellbinding.

He just has a brilliant intellect and I find him fascinating.

Do you guys ever go out during the day

or does the sunlight make him burst into flames?

Charlie, I can't believe you're this upset. You barely met the guy.

You saw how he was. The Sultan of Brunei stole my wig.

Look, just because I like someone smart doesn't mean you're dumb.

You are the smartest ex-baseball player I know.

Victor has just been a cultured intellectual all his life.

You're nouveau smart.

I've been smart my whole life.

I just happened to be a good-looking athlete

that didn't need to use it to get girls.

But I've always had that bullet in the chamber.

Just waiting for my looks to fade.

I'm still waiting.

Charlie, double-shot latte.

I'm sorry, Allie,

but I ordered a double-shot espresso.

Would you mind drinking this anyway?

'Cause if you return it, then I got to pay for it.

I'll tell you what. I'll bet that in the next five minutes

someone will want a double-shot latte, and if not, I'll pay for it.

Statistically, considering the number of drinks that we offer,

the foot traffic this time of day,

and the relative popularity of a double-shot latte,

you're looking at odds of 20 to 1.

Wow. Impressive. Where did that come from?

I'm working on my PhD in applied statistical economics.

And you just used it in your real life?

You might be the first person to ever do that.

But I think your odds are way off.

- You want to bet? - Okay, but I'm legally bound

to warn you that I'm a psychotherapist and I know the power

of subliminal primitive and cognitive influence.

Wow. Impressive.

And I guarantee that someone

will order one of these in the next five minutes.

You're on. Okay, clock starts right... now.

Hello.

I'd like a double-shot latte, please.

If you have one at room temperature, that would be great.

- Well played. - Thank you.

Too bad we didn't decide on a wager.

Well, we're both so smart,

I just assumed we were talking about a dinner date.

How do I know you're my type?

Maybe you can gather some empirical evidence

by going out to dinner with me.

Okay. I'd love to.

But only because you used the word empirical properly.

Thank God. Gripping the wheel on that one.

Wow. You are on fire tonight.

It's that opera Victor took me to.

You wouldn't think a woman who kills her husband

in the bridal chamber would be such a turn-on.

You know, I've been looking for a good

husband-murdery opera to go to and this sounds like the one.

You're going to an opera?

- I made a new friend. - Oh, a new friend?

We've gone out a couple of times.

Saturday we're celebrating that she finished her dissertation,

so we're going to go to the opera.

Opera? Dissertation?

Does she know you're only going out with her to get back at me for Victor?

She's extremely smart, she'll figure it out.

That's only part of the reason I'm doing it.

She's the smartest woman I've ever met

and she finds me fascinating.

We have a meeting of the minds.

Is this meeting at the corner

of wishful and thinking?

Well, actually, it's in your building.

She works in the coffee shop.

Wait.

You're not talking about Allie, are you?

- You know her? - Yes.

She's a patient of mine. I don't think you should be seeing her.

Oh, come on. Why?

Because it's a huge conflict for me.

You're dating her now, you're going to be sleeping with her,

and I need to be objective about your relationships when I analyze you.

Now pull my underwear down with your teeth.

No problem. I'll just go out with her as a friend,

just like you do with the guys that you see.

Yes, but you can't just have women friends.

Sex is your Achilles' heel.

The longest you've ever resisted a vagina is now

and it's starting to get me upset.

All right. I don't like it, but fine.

I'll explain to her that I can't see her any more.

Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Okay. Underwear, teeth, now.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Please?

- ( Phone ringing ) - ( Snorts )

What the hell?

Hello?

- ( Loud music playing ) - Ed, it's Patrick.

- From group. - What are you calling me for?

- It's the middle of the night. - It's 9:30.

I get up at 4:00.

That's when I piss, shave, and have breakfast.

That's three things I accomplish

before you get your first peter in your face.

Can you come over, please? I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.

They've been having a party for the last 12 hours

and it's driving me crazy.

- Call the cops. - I did and they won't do anything.

You're my anger buddy call.

Could you please come over here and talk me down.

If I come over there, somebody is going to get hurt.

I don't want to beat them up.

I'm talking about you.

Look at me, dude. You want me in there.

What's up, Patrick?

- What do you want? - I am about to lose it with my neighbors.

- I called Ed, but he blew me off. - What are they doing?

They're having a party with really loud music

that has been going on forever. Listen.

Sounds like the deejay is playing Skrillex.

Cool, I'll be right over.

Nolan residence.

Nolan, I need a ride to Patrick's, now.

And I'm supposed to just stop whatever I'm doing?

Yes.

Okay.

- I'm at the Abbey. - Yeah, you are.

Charlie, sorry I'm late.

It took me awhile to print out my dissertation.

For you.

Wow. Thank you.

- I'm flattered. - Yeah.