Friends

Monica, which of all of this kitchen stuff is mine?

This bottle opener.

- And? - And it's a magnet.

Look at that.

How weird is that? You know, you're moving in with me...

...and you have the one thing I don't have. Ha, ha.

It's like, in a way, you complete me. Huh?

- Kitchen. - What?

You complete me kitchen, matey.

- Ross, I know what you're thinking. - What?

That she's gonna move in with you...

...and then maybe fall in love with you, and then...

...when she finds out you're already married, oh, she'll be happy.

You know? You're just... You're very sad.

Oh, my God.

I see what this is. You are in love with Rachel.

- What? - Of course. It all adds up.

I mean, you're obsessed with her. It's always:

"Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?

Ross, why are you moving in with Rachel?

When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?"

- You want her. - No!

Uh-oh. Saved by the bell.

Hello.

Hey, Rach. Aren't these candlesticks mine?

No, no, I bought those.

- Oh, right. I forgot. - Yeah.

That you're a liar.

No, no, that's great. I'll be there Monday. And thank you again.

Okay.

Um, that was the head of the paleontology department...

...at NYU.

Wow. What did he say?

Uh, remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate?

- Well, they loved it. - Well, who wouldn't?

I know!

Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer.

I mean, it's temporary, but if they like me, it could lead to a full-time job.

How great would that look on the mailbox, huh? Professor Geller.

Yeah. Professor and Mrs.

And Mrs?

Oh, yeah, you know, you and Ross are still married.

What?

Just kidding.

Oh, God.

Saved your ass.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Hey. - What's the matter?

Well, ahem.

- You know that psychic I see? - Yeah?

She told me that I'm gonna die this week...

...so I'm kind of bummed about that.

- What? - I know you don't know about readings...

...but that one is pretty much the worst one you can get.

Phoebe, that's crazy.

I can't believe she'd say that to you?

Yeah, honey, you don't believe her, do you?

I don't know. She, you know, said that I'd have triplets...

...but she also said one of them would be black.

Oh.

Just out of curiosity, did she tell you how you were gonna go?

No, because she didn't tell me I was gonna die till the end of the session.

And I was not gonna waste a whole other hour there.

I mean, I've only got a week left, you know?

I've really gotta start living now.

- Hey, everyone. - Oh, hi.

- Hey. - Hey. Well, today's my first lecture...

...and I kind of wanted to try it out on you guys. Do you mind?

No, that'd be great.

Okay.

"There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate.

Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two..."

Oh, this is it. This is what's gonna kill me.

"...subcategories. The first of these subcategories is..."

Um, Ross? Heh.

Are there, uh, naked chicks on that piece of paper?

No. Why?

Well, I just never seen a guy stare so hard at paper...

...that didn't have naked chicks on it.

Oh, okay. Okay.

"There are three primary theories...

...concerning sediment flow rate.

Each of these theories...

...can be further subcategorized into..."

Why don't you open with a joke?

Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club.

Wait a minute, hold the phone.

You're not talking about Chuckles University?

Okay.

Come on, we're kidding.

You know what might make it less boring?

Thank you.

Some, um... Some visual aids.

Oh, oh! You know what's a good visual aid?

Please don't say naked chicks.

Why not?

I don't even know why I bothered to even talk to you guys about it.

You know, I'm just gonna do it on my own, with no naked chicks.

That's the way I did it till I was 19.

- Hey. - Hey.

Any good mail?

Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild.

Ooh, it's probably a residual check. Hey, can you open it? I got...

- "Benefits lapsed." - Hmm. That's weird.

I don't remember being in a movie called Benefits Lapsed.

Okay, it's not a check.

They're saying your health insurance expired because...

...you didn't work enough last year. - Let me see that.

All right.

Oh, I can't believe this.

This sucks.

When I had insurance, I could get hit by a bus...

...or catch on fire, you know?

And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful?

I'm sorry, man. There's never a good time to have to...

...stop catching on fire.

All right, well...

...I guess I gotta go get a job. I'm gonna see my agent.

Okay, make sure to look both ways before you cross the street.

"Make sure to look both ways before you cross the street."

- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs, you're still alive.

How are you feeling?

It's so exhausting, waiting for death.

Oh, by the way, do you think you...

Pheebs, what are you doing?

I was preparing you for... Didn't you think I was dead?

Did that not come off?

Oh, yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you forever.

- Pheebs, you wanna lie down? - Yeah, thanks.

And listen, can you do me a favor?

Could you just wake me up in a couple hours.

You know, if you can.

Monica?

Did you take these back?

No, no. I just liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.

Oh, yeah, they're really great, aren't they?

- I love them. - Yeah.

Nice try.

- Hello. - Hey, how'd the lecture go?

It went great.

And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either.

Oh, that's great. I'm sorry we weren't supportive before.

I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself.

Everyone's all, uh, "Ross, you have to be funny and sexy."

Well, I proved them wrong.

And now I'm gonna pass the news on to Joey and Chandler.

- That you're not funny or sexy? - That's right.

- Hey, Estelle, listen... - Well, well, well.

Joey Tribbiani.

So you came back, huh?

They think they can do better, but they all...

...come crawling back to Estelle.

What are you talking about?

I never left you. You've always been my agent.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, well, no harm, no foul.

Look, Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I lost my health insurance.

All right, first thing we gotta do: Damage control.

- Why? - Well, I think, uh...

...someone out there...

...may have been bad-mouthing you all over town.

The bastard.

- Hey. - Hey.

So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow.

And I'll have my health insurance back in no time.

That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now?

- What? - What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Well, I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before.

And then I, uh, passed out...

...and, uh, I haven't been able to stand up since. Ha, ha.

But I don't think it's anything serious.

This sounds like a hernia. You have to... Go to the doctor.

No way.

If I'm gonna go to the doctor for anything...

...it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach.

That's a hernia.

Why'd I have to start working out again?

Damn you, 15s.

We're a little early. The lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes.

- Yeah, but we can sneak in and watch. - Yeah. Good.

Oh, hey, look. There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas.

I was a Kappa. Hey, sisters.

Wow, we really are bitches.

Right. So when Rigby got his samples...

...back from the laboratory...

...he made a startling discovery.