Pixels

Mother told me.

Yes, she told me.

That I'd meet girls like you.

She also told me.

Stay away You'll never know what you'll catch.

Cooper, it's open.

It's open?

Come on!

It's supposed to be awesome.

- Thank you. - Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser!

Mom!

They just seem a little weird.

Surrender, surrender.

But don't give yourself away.

Whatever happened to all this season's.

Losers of the year?

Every time I got to thinking.

Where'd they disappear?

But when I woke up, Mom and Dad.

Are rolling on the couch.

Damn.

What?

I suck.

Mommy's all right, daddy's all right.

They just seem a little weird.

Wow, Sam.

How are you so good at this? You've never even played it before.

I don't know.

There's a pattern to how they're moving. Watch.

I don't see it, but you sure as hell do.

Away.

Surrender, surrender.

But don't give yourself away.

Surrender, surrender.

But don't give yourself away.

Use the Force. Use the Force.

Hey, Chewie.

You're a superstar, dude.

And it's time to show the world.

Surrender.

But don't give yourself away.

Surrender, surrender.

But don't give yourself away.

Attention, all contestants.

The competition will start in 15 minutes.

You too? That's so funny.

Really?

I think you're pretty darn foxy yourself.

Lady Lisa, I'll love you till the end of time.

- Who are you talking to? - Nobody!

We'll talk later.

You're Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid, right?

Who told you that? The government?

'Cause I'm this close to figuring out the secret of the Bermuda Triangle.

Wow, you don't have any friends, do you?

Just my grandma.

Yoo-hoo!

Well, Wonder Kid, you can hang out with us.

Really?

What's up, geeks and goobers?

They call me the Fire Blaster!

'Cause my hands are blazing fast,

and also I will blast and burn all my competitors' weak-ass moves.

You must be the local talent.

If this was a fugly contest, I'd be in trouble.

At least we didn't make up our own nicknames, Fire Blaster.

Who cares who came up with it?

It's totally tubular.

Welcome, gamers, to the first annual.

Worldwide Video Arcade Championships!

Tonight, we have representatives here from the Guinness Book of World Records,

as well as NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration,

who will be videotaping tonight's competition

to be included in a compilation of 1982's news events and popular culture.

That videotape will be placed in a space probe

which will be launched by NASA into our solar system

with the hope of connecting to, and perhaps providing a message for

extraterrestrial life, should it exist.

Oh, it exists.

Ladies and gentlemen,

start your gaming!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an evening we have had here.

Six new US records set.

- Three new world records set. - Oh, yeah.

And, as the smoke clears, right now we have a tie.

Two hundred and fifty-nine points

for your new Pac-Man world champion.

The Fire Blaster, Eddie Plant!

Go, Fire Blaster!

And 259 points

for your new Galaga Centipede world champion, rookie sensation,

Sam Brenner!

Yeah, Sam!

Well, gentlemen, how 'bout we break this tie.

Let's play.

Donkey Kong!

- Good luck, man. - Thanks.

You have the patterns down pretty good with these games.

You're gonna be tough to beat.

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise.

Playing in the street gonna be a big man some day.

You got mud on your face You big disgrace.

Kickin' your can all over the place.

- Singin ' - We will, we will rock you.

We will, we will rock you.

You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is,

At the higher levels the barrels become more random, possessed almost.

And playing by the patterns doesn't do the trick anymore.

Does it, Brenner?

We will, we will rock you.

Congratulations.

On coming in second!

Fire Blaster is the world champ!

The local yokel looked destiny in the eye and blinked.

He's a loser, and he will always be a loser.

Sam!

Sam, Sam, wait.

Sam, listen.

You're still gonna go to MIT

and invent something that makes you a millionaire.

And maybe even marry Olivia Newton-John.

I was actually thinking Samantha Fox.

Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton.

Well,

there's always Madonna.

How about Scarlett Johansson?

So hot.

Mmm. Not Halle Berry hot, but so, so hot.

And don't forget Katy Perry.

What are we doin' right now? We're too old. It's just gross already.

Plus, you're married to a woman who hates you.

She doesn't hate me. She just doesn't get it, you know.

We don't have the free time to do stuff together like we did 10 years ago.

This job is killing me, man.

If I were you,

maybe a half hour a day, turn off the cell phone,

shut down the emails, put away the Reggie bars

and focus on your wife.

The President's gaffe-filled summer continued today...

Hold on a second. I gotta see this.

At Joseph Knibb Elementary School to promote his new youth reading initiative.

Here's what happened.

"Mittens jumped up onto the table and knocked over the whole bowl of soup."

"Mrs. Pickles gassed... Gasped."

She gasped.

"And the whole room fell silent."

"This was casta..."

"This is cast..."

"Catatastrophic."

Catastrophic.

I got it, sweetheart, okay?

Why'd you yell at me?

You're mean.

Leave her alone.

The President can't read.

You gotta learn how to read, buddy. It's as simple as that.

I was on three hours' sleep, all right?

Your economics are hurting poor people!

Nice to see ya!

You've got the blood of innocent children on your hands.

Thank you for your support.

I can't afford to go to college because of you!

That's a lovely dress.

- You're ruining the country! - Yeah, we're all in this together, now.

You got a rough life, bud.

- Sir? Okay. - Thank you.

But at least you have a life.

Look, Brenner, you're meant for something more than this.

You just need to channel your genius into something productive.

I mean, you were incredible at video games back in the day,

but that's a useless skill now.

It's like being a great blacksmith.

Ooh! That hurt, man. That's catatastrophic that you said that.

I'm gonna get you back for that.

Mr. President, if you take away all the libraries, sir,

how will the children ever learn to read?

Blacksmith, over and out.

Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade.

Here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs.

Do you have to say that every time you show up at a house?

If I wanna get paid, yes.

Isn't that kind of demeaning?

Only if someone brings it up.

- Okay, I won't bring it up, then. - Thanks.

Come on in.

So, what am I installing?

A new 85-inch, 4K, 3D TV,

- PlayStation 4, 7.1 surround-sound speakers. - Mmm-hmm.

Really, if you guys sell it, we've probably bought it.

Huh. Is it your birthday?

No, my parents are getting a divorce.

Oh. So it's like 10 birthdays.

Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom with his 19-year-old Pilates instructor.

Her name's Sinnamon, with an "S"

which really tells you all you need to know about her.

No, I could hear a little more. You got any pictures?

I'm kiddin'. I'm sorry to hear that.

My mom kind of hates him right now.

And she says she's gonna invent a slut-seeking missile to take out Sinnamon.

Okay, Matty, you don't need to tell the nice installer man our whole life.