Black Mirror

Hey.

Hey.

You here by yourself?

-So far. -Oh.

It's a shame. A pretty girl like you.

-OK, corny. -Oh!

Maybe I can make up for it by buying you a drink?

Sure.

-Bartender. -Yeah?

Let me get a Buck and a vodka sidecar.

What makes you think I want a vodka sidecar?

Maybe I know what you like.

There they are.

Hey!

Right on time.

-Hey, Karl. -Hey, what up, girl? This is Daisy.

-Oh. -Ooh!

-Daisy, this is Danny and Theo. -Hi.

Hey, lady.

This is my roommates I was telling you about.

The ones who hooked up just so they can get the biggest room in the apartment.

Very true.

-Let me get you all a drink. -You're right.

Get your asses on the dance floor.

-Come on, girl. -There we go.

Hey. That little role-play act, the stranger thing at the bar?

Got me hot as fuck.

Ooh. Mental note to self, my baby's into role-play.

The sound is yours...

You know it.

What do you do when you dance in a club

and the place is packed and jamming?

Round one. Fight.

You're just in time.

Aww...

Man, I gotta work tomorrow.

Fuck your work.

New game.

No. No, no, no.

No!

-Fuck. - Roxette wins.

All right, man.

-OK, one more. -No, man. It's too late.

Decision made.

Shit.

Oh, look, he picks Roxette again.

But you've been Lance for 20 bouts straight.

-Come on. -I know you not bitching.

-Where we going, Panda Mountain? -Sucks.

-Crystal Beach? -Let's go for the Temple.

-Here we go. -Secret Temple.

-Get ready to get your ass kicked. -Yeah? Roxette's gonna fuck your head off.

-That don't even make sense. -Fuck your head off.

What does that mean?

Round one. Fight.

Come on. Come on.

Oh!

All right, get up, come on. Come on. Come on.

No.

Get out of here.

- You like? What now? -Negative.

-Come on, man. - That's done.

K.O. Perfect.

You woke me up.

Too damn loud.

-You want some of this? -Baby.

"Baby."

-Quiet that shit down. -Baby.

Baby! Baby! Baby!

Birthday boy!

Birthday boy.

Hey.

Congratulations. How old are you now?

Uh, 38.

-Forty's a-coming. -Yeah.

Soon be dead, huh?

Sure.

-Have you met Simon? -Hey.

Uh...

-Don't think so. -I don't think we did, no, no.

OK. Simon's into bikes.

That's cool.

Cool. That's cool.

Maxwell. We don't kick. No kicking.

Look at him. Sorry. I'm sorry.

-Do you like motorcycles or just bikes? -Just bikes.

Cool.

-Tag! -Tyler, go on outside.

Sorry!

-Sorry. -Let me...

-I'll get that. -Did he get it on you?

Yeah, you just... Don't worry.

Karl.

-Hey, Theo. -I have not seen you in how long?

However long, it feels longer.

Is Daisy parking the car?

Oh, uh...

Me and Daisy, no, we're not together anymore.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's... it's cool, really, we broke up, like, a year ago.

No clue. He... I'm not on Facebook, so...

I can be a dumbass about these things.

No. Really, it's all good.

We're still friends. Better friends, actually. It's all very adult.

-Well, come in, come in. -All right.

-Danny's out back. -OK.

We're not gonna punch, we're not gonna kick. OK?

-I'm sorry. -Oh, God.

OK, go play, no fighting.

Goddamn it. Come on.

Can't beat a little home cooking.

-Hey, man. -What's going on?

Oh, wow, handshake?

What am I, like, infected or something?

Fuck you.

Come on, get in here, man.

Ah, that's better, let it out, buddy, let it out.

You're still an asshole, I see.

Happy birthday.

Oh, wow.

When did you start using gift bags?

The store did that.

You gonna open it?

-Striking Vipers. -X. Striking Vipers X.

Newest instalment. Came out just yesterday.

I was in the store,

I saw it and...

Oh, man.

This takes me back.

It says here you need one of those VR add-ons.

-I don't have one of those. -Yes, you do.

-No. -Eh...

No. No, come on, man.

No. It's your birthday, just take the damn thing, would you?

Seriously, you gonna flip the fuck out. I tried it out in the store.

They demoed it for me. Five minutes blew my mind to confetti.

-Thanks, man. -It's all good.

That your one?

No, that's Maxwell.

Maxwell. Guys, guys.

Tyler's friend from school.

-You want a beer, man? -Finally he saves me. Yes.

Thank you.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I've been playing with Katie.

Theo, are we using the plastic cups?

Theo's looking good.

Uh-huh.

Good to see at least one of you still has a gym membership.

Oh, really?

Seriously, man.

You're walking around like a fucking Frankenstein movie.

Look, since my knee went, I haven't been able to work out, all right?

I'm not using that as an excuse. I'm just...

-No, no, no, of course not. -Hey, fuck you, all right?

I can afford to let things slide. I'm settled.

I thank God I don't have to be out there on the dating scene.

Always on sale. Fucking bullshit.

It is like a second job.

Gotta keep up with those younger dudes.

You gotta do a thousand crunches a day?

-Only 50 each morning. -Fifty in the morning?

Mm-hmm.

You wax your ballsack?

I'm sure as shit those young dudes do.

You wax your ball... You nasty.

Till it's gleaming like an eight ball.

Just to stay in the game.

-I pity you, really. -Yeah. Well...

You wanna know where I'm going after I leave here?

Shit, getting your taint waxed too?

Meeting Mariella.

-Mariella. -She does backing vocals.

What, for the school band?

How old is she?

Twenty-nine.

No, 28. See. Here she is again.

Yeah.

-You wanna share that with the class? -Mm-mm.

-You lucky man. -I am, me.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

-Tyler asleep? -Mm-hmm.

Had to read that damn Macaroo book again before he'd let me put out the light.

"Macaroo found a shoe..."

"And put it in a tree."

Macaroo's got no respect for his environment,

that's all I'm saying.

-I can do that. -No, I'm fine.

Mm-mm. It's your birthday, come on.

Thank you.

OK.

You know, you should've told me that Karl and Daisy broke up.

-Did he say who broke up with who? -I didn't ask.

I always said that those two were not good news together.

So long since I saw him last.

-Had to be last year's birthday, I think. -In the flesh, a whole year?

Him and the girl on his phone, is that serious?

I didn't ask.

Guys suck at talking. How long have you two known each other?

You don't actually get to talk at these things, though, do you?

I mean, beyond surface bullshit.