Night Court

Yikes!

Courthouse cafeteria lobster roll?

20 bucks says you can't keep that down for two hours.

-You're talking to a woman who once ate calamari in The Hole.

-Oh. You know, we get it. You were in prison.

-The Hole is what I call the state of Ohio.

-The water in the water fountain is carbonated again.

Can't tell if it's concerning or fancy.

-Well, it depends. Do you consider tetanus fancy?

-So, my favorite law professor e-mailed,

and she needs a speaker for a lecture next week.

Do you want to do it? -Abby, you know I only

ever leave the city for farm-to-table dining, hm?

-I was asking Julianne. -And I was saying yes.

Aww!

Why would I ask you, Dan? You'll just say no.

That's even more hurtful.

You know how much I love saying no to things.

-I do. You're the only person I've seen giddy

from rejecting a computer software update.

-Oh, Dan. Always the duck-duck, never the goose.

- -You can't blame her.

I mean, she did choose the better lawyer.

-Uh -- You think you're the better lawyer?

The only way I would believe that is if I argued it in court,

and I wouldn't argue it because I'm the better lawyer.

Do you see the conundrum we have here?

You sound crazy.

You know, and that's coming from someone

who spent six months in a group home.

The group was the Bee Gees. And I dated all three.

So many teeth.

-I'll tell you what. You pick any case on the docket tonight,

and I will beat the cashmere blend pants off of ya.

-Hey, look! Look! There's Mr. Fielding!

-Oh, God. -Dan, do you know

those two Great Depression time travelers?

Do not make eye contact.

That's Bob and June Wheeler,

the only living creatures I know who can haunt a place.

Mr. Fielding! Mr. Fielding!

Oh, no, Dan.

You might have to defend us for that, too.

I think we found our case.

Oh, but you're such a good lawyer.

I'm sure you'll be fine. Knock on wood.

-Don't let 'em knock on anything.

-Thanks again for showing me to the cafeteria.

I can't believe I almost ate my sandwich in the morgue!

-They do look similar, but the people

lying on the tables in here are just super-drunk.

- Ohh! Cute and funny.

I'm Crash, by the way.

-Crash. I like a one-syllable name.

I'm Abby. That's two syllables. So stupid.

-Well, here's two one-syllable words.

call me.

-Looks like that industrial-strength deodorant

is really payin' off.

Abby, pull yourself together.

People are trying to eavesdrop.

-That guy was super-hot. Like "red eye" hot.

Like, I want to ride him for six hours

and wake up in a different city.

-Yeah, too bad there's something wrong with him.

-Is he the kayaker in the herpes commercial?

-Man, you wish. A working actor would be

an improvement over the guys you've dated.

Since your breakup, it's been a loser convention.

Remember the guy who only wore terrycloth?

-I don't know. Must have been nice,

always having a towel right there.

-Okay, so maybe my radar has been a little off lately,

but I have a feeling that Crash is gonna break that streak.

I mean, those teeth? No way those come off when he sleeps.

-I bet he makes noises when he kisses.

Myom-myom-myom!

Get used to that. -Hm.

-The People vs. Bob and June Wheeler.

-Aww! The Wheelers! Welcome back!

And may I remind everyone, in case of an emergency,

the exits are in the front and the back of the courtroom.

Sorry, Judge.

Trouble seems to find us like we owe it money.

And we don't.

Unless "trouble" is what they call the IRS these days.

-The defendants are charged with destruction of property

after their chickens burrowed out of their apartment

and into a nearby massage parlor.

-From what we hear, it was not a happy ending.

-My clients were nowhere near the scene of the alleged crime,

and I don't think it's necessary to go into detail

as to where they -- -It was date night.

I took the missus to her favorite restaurant --

Trader Joe's free sample station.

-Mmm! -Mmm!

-It doesn't matter where they were when the crime happened.

They own the chickens and are responsible

for the damages to their neighbor's business.

-Oh, technically, uh, they're not our neighbors,

since we're squattin'.

-Technically, you're not charged with that, so shush!

You know what they say.

Home is where the heart is.

And in our case, the hearts are

in the bathtub full of ice until we can find a buyer.

-Permission to approach the bench.

I would like to ask for a continuance

so I can educate my clients on their right to remain silent

and to go pick up some duct tape in order to enforce that right.

-Well, Dan, I'm feeling generous,

so I can offer you a plea deal.

I mean, yeah, you'll lose, but, honestly,

I can't think of anybody who could win this case.

-A good lawyer can win this case,

regardless of what the evidence is

or what the law clearly states or...

which gods hate my clients.

Hey. It's fine with me.

Watching men struggle is one of life's great joys.

-I'll allow it. I don't understand it, but I love it.

I'm excited but I'm impartial, so I will allow it,

which is all I will say, even though I said much more.

Court adjourned.

-Look, Judge. Your boyfriend is here.

Oh.

-Why is he hugging the Wheelers?

-I mean, t-that doesn't mean anything.

I hug strangers all the time.

I hug the Domino's guy when I'm really hungry.

-Oh! That's what's wrong with him. He's a Wheeler.

It could be worse.

Myom-myom-myom-myom!

-Never mind. That's as bad as it gets.

-Okay. Look. I'm not gonna lie to you.

They have a strong case against you,

especially given how much you admit to all the charges.

-As Dan's paralegal, I'd like to go on record

as saying you have excellent snacks.

-Murray. -Hm?

-That's chicken feed. -Are you sure?

There's a chicken on the bag!

-So Frosted Flakes are just for tigers?

And you have to be a sea captain to enjoy

the mouth-cutting delight that is Cap'n Crunch?

You -- You sound ridiculous, Dan!

Can he be our lawyer?

Oh! You can't afford me.

-Alright. Look. You're only guilty

if the prosecution can prove that you own those chickens.

And I can win this if you just don't admit

to owning those birds!

-But those are our bir-- -Stop!

-We are the ow-- -Don't!

-We're the only parents they ever ha--

Shoosh!

As far as you're concerned, those birds flew to the city

to make it big on Broadway.

-Oh, look! Santa's made it to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Hey, Miss Julianne.

Guess what we're not supposed to say we own,

except that we do. -You just -- Would you --

Hey, Bob. Here. Here's a quarter.

Go buy a gumball or something else

that'll fit perfectly in your esophagus.

-I have an esophagus, too, you know.

-Dan, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my shrink.

You're wasting your time.

And you are not gonna be happy

when you see the surprise I have in store for you.

-The joke's on you. I'm never happy.

Look. She must have a surprise witness.

Find out who it is. -Oh, I don't know, Dan.

She went to a lot of trouble.

Are you sure you want to ruin the surprise?

-Alright. Crash Wheeler pros and cons.

The pros are obvious. Cute. Sweet.

Carries himself with the confidence

of a man with six to eight abs.

-I don't know if this is a pro or con,

but his whole family is cursed.

-Okay, but we don't know that he's cursed.

He's not like them in other ways.

I mean, he looks like he's at least aware of indoor plumbing.

There's only one way to find out.

Hey, Crash! -Mnh! Inviting the curse over?

What's the point of ranting

if you're just gonna do it anyway?

-Hey, Abby. This is my sister, Carol Ann.

Nice to see you again, Judge!

Well, nice to see anything after staring at that eclipse.

-So, I was thinking it might be good

to get to know each other a little better.

Like, what's your favorite food? What's your favorite animal?

Are you the victim of an ancient hillbilly curse?

-My brother is definitely cursed.

Do you know this dummy has a job

and he don't even get paid for it?

It's called volunteering.

I help at the Boys & Girls Club.