Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce

Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

Jake needs to be at the book signing.

He does. United Front sells books.

What's going on with you and Jake? - We are taking a break. You smell like sex.

He's banging Becca Riley?

Shit happens, but you don't leave.

It's not always that simple.

I guess I don't understand.

He found these emails between me and someone else.

Was it him?

I told you it wasn't like that.

I know you guys are getting a divorce. - We're not getting a divorce.

Abby, yes, we are.

All I need to do is prove him unfit, then I get the kids,

and he can't live off the child support.

I remember you hemorrhaging my money to a dominatrix.

I didn't give up. You did.

I would like to report a drunk driver.

You need to be touched, Abby.

That's what friends are for.

Please welcome Abby McCarthy.

I believed it all when I wrote it,

but now I think, what a pile of horseshit.

And I wasn't trying to sell you a lie.

There were times when I would watch my husband sleeping,

and I would think...

If you would just die, it'd be so much easier.

Wow, hoda. - I know.

Abby McCarthy is, or was... - Yeah.

one of the two untouchable authors

in the mommy book biz, right? - She sure was.

What to expect and, of course, The Girlfriends' Guide.

But now? - Oh, my God.

Wanting your husband dead? - Really.

Well, we all think it at times.

What? - Yes, of course we do.

You do? - Of course we do.

If you're married long enough. But the point is, you're not supposed to say it.

Now she's said it.

Hey, you.

I hope you're not wallowing and steeping in self-loathing.

I just watched my career funeral on The Today Sshow.

I told you not to do that. Don't do that.

It was just there, glaring at me on the tv.

Stop. Just turn it off, okay?

And don't read the comments. Mother...

What comments? Where?

None. There's none.

There's no comments. There is none. - Oh, my God.

Please stop. Honestly, where's Jake? Are you by yourself?

Is he downstairs on the couch, still?

I told you that he ran out of places to crash,

and now the kids know, it doesn't matter.

How about we call his girlfriend.

And anybody else that's gonna raise your stress level

and have them on the couch too?

We are trying to be supportive of each other.

The only divorce that doesn't turn your kids

into serial killers is a good div... Whoa.

What, what? - Kelly Ripa just tweeted, stunned.

We had Abby McCarthy on our show, and she seemed pretty well-adjusted.

Abigail Shoshana McCarthy,

put the phone down.

Put it down. Now.

It is down. It is down.

Okay, now I'm gonna wrangle my boys, start the day.

You are gonna do the same. You're gonna take a shower.

You're gonna get dressed, and you're gonna show Hoda and company how awesome you are

because you're number one, and they can't keep you down.

You're teflon.

Okay. - All right, I love you.

Hey. Hey. - Hmm?

You were gonna take the kids. To school this morning, remember?

I have that meeting with my editor. - Okay.

And we're gonna check out that place for you today.

I'm up, I'm up. - Lilly, Charlie?

Breakfast in five.

Cat's out today, But there's a fabulous new editor she wants you to meet.

Cat's out? Cat has been my editor for 15 years.

I know, but Melissa's fantastic and...

Abby.

Hi. - I am so excited to meet you.

Thank you.

Uh, I just... I was supposed to meet Cat. Catherine.

And she sends you hugs and kisses,

but she got called away for some big meeting.

You know how it is.

Sure. - Come on in.

So, obviously, we have a situation.

Yeah, I know, and I was having a really bad day.

Oh, my God, I so understand.

Right. - It happens.

The thing is, people have a perception of you,

of the brand.

Yes, right, and I was thinking that we'd use the book tour.

To explain that I didn't actually mean what I said,

That I was just very emotional, which I think a lot of women can relate to.

Agreed, agreed, agreed. Except, um, there is no book tour.

Yes, there is. I have 11 more cities. - Had.

Barnes & Noble canceled the rest of the dates.

They can't sell a book the author doesn't believe in.

But I do believe in my book. Just because my own marriage...

You said you wanted to kill your husband. - I did not say that.

Well, close enough.

Shit.

How about rehab? Would you consider rehab?

Rehab? I don't have that kind of a problem.

Of course not, but those places will take anybody.

We send out a press release, you're getting treatment. Boom, you're forgiven.

I'm not comfortable with that. My kids would hear about it.

Then just lay low for a bit.

We'll see how all this affects sales and regroup.

Regroup.

Regroup.

Yeah.

It looked a lot nicer in the pictures.

I just... I think we should take the place across from the grove.

It's got a pool. The kids will love that.

It's $4,500 a month. - I know.

Between that and the mortgage... - I know, and I have feelers out for work.

I'll go back to camera operating, and we'll put it together.

The thing is, my, um, book tour was canceled.

What do you mean? - Because, um, you know...

Because of your public psychotic break?

Well, it's also been ten years since you've had a job.

It might take you a while to get back on your feet.

Because I'm a failure, when I'm with the kids, I should probably stay somewhere crappy.

Of course not. It just has to be something between this and $4,500.

You really wished I was dead, huh?

Not literally.

And, you know, I was on, like, oxy or something.

Lyla put it in my mouth.

We're gonna keep this as positive as we can, right?

Do this as a team.

We're gonna find you something great.

-

It's gonna be great, okay? - Okay.

It's a legume, which is why I served it to you. - Well, then I guess it's a bean.

Can you please slow down? - Wild children.

So no book tour, huh? - Nope.

In one moment of TMI, I basically destroyed my life.

Oh, and Nate started texting me again.

I think he found out about me and Jake, and he wants to rekindle.

Nate? Affair Nate?

It was an emotional affair. We did not even kiss, and I am not going.

To go there because a lot of people got hurt.

However, he's handsome, he's employed, unlike some people we know.

How exactly is dan supposed to get a job. With that DUI you got him?

He can't even drive. - It's not about that.

He was a very high-end executive chef.

He'd be humiliated starting over under somebody like...

I thought he liked to be humiliated. - I will knock you out.

Do it. I dare you.

Mom, you know, because of the drought,

all of California could be consumed by a super-fire.

Baby, stop reading that stuff.

Why don't you go find the other kids and play a video game?

Clean the palate. Thank you, sweetheart.

Good luck.

Poor guy. - I know.

Every day I get an update on the coming water wars.

And how we should all move to Portland. - Where is Jake, anyways?

I thought he was living here again. - He's... At Becca's. I... I don't know.

If Jake is with that child, why are you being so accommodating?

If it were me, I would be duct taping his scrotal sack.

To his inner thigh on a nightly basis.

Till he was off that couch.

Yeah, well, as interesting as that sounds,

We are trying to be on the same team for the kids.

For the kids. - To the kids.

To the children. - Children are our future.

Huzzah. - Yeah.

Look at me. - Shh.

Come on.

Look at me.

Okay, that's your fault.

I'm not gonna last more than six minutes. If you tell me to look at you.

You're too hot. - Okay.

That's a new one.

So what, are you counting backwards or sheep or something?

Oh, no, no, not sheep. Sheep get me off instantly.

Gross. - I grew up on a farm.

You did not. - With hot sheep.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got that poster Lilly wanted.

Good. She'll be really pleased. Thank you.

So does she know we're dating?

Mm, not yet, no.

Abby and I said that we would wait.

Before we introduced the kids to anybody that we're... we're...

Anybody new.

It's hard, huh?

Which part? The devastating my kids part.

Or the moving in a shit apartment in studio city.

Or the looking for the kind of work I swore I'd never do again?

You shouldn't go back to camera operating. You're a director.

I'm a director with a movie that didn't even get to video.

And a bunch of projects in development. And I need to make some money, so...

I'm really making myself sound sexy here, right?

Let's... let's stop talking.