The Righteous Gemstones

Our son is back in our lives.

Isn't that the only thing that matters?

Well, he brought shame to us.

And continues to bring shame to us,

but yeah, sure, let's throw him a dinner.

Must be nice living in the lap of luxury again.

The deeper I get, the more I'll have access to.

I'm being blackmailed!

What we need to do here is figure out who these idiots are.

I was thinking, I would like to work with Martin.

See the ins and outs of running this place.

All across America, capitalism's crumbling.

That's when we step up.

And what did this church use to be?

A Sears, I believe.

Locust Grove's gonna be nothing but trouble for you.

These men are here on behalf of Johnny Seasons.

We're gonna send them back to Johnny Seasons.

I need someone I can trust to run that church.

Okay, Eli.

Hey! Keefe!

Keefe!

God damn, man. It's been a while.

Fucking hail Satan, bro.

Yeah, right on, Daedalus.

I heard you went full-on Jesus freak,

started messing around with those Gemstone weirdos.

No, probab... probably not me.

I mean... I mean, definitely not me.

I've gotten really into home brewing.

I got a home brewing kit,

and it's, uh... it's pretty time-consuming.

So...

Cool story, Keefe.

Hey, Cryptocore has been working on some new tracks.

We was just about to blast off. You want a taste?

No, I'm good.

But congratulations, Cryptocore.

That sounds cool.

Party at Club Sinister Friday night.

All the old heads will be there.

You should go.

Like I said, I'm pretty... pretty busy

with barley and hops and stuff.

So y'all have a fun and safe time,

and ya'll t... ta-ta.

God damn, Keefe's a fucking nerd now.

As you can see, this is money sent

from around the world through our television ministries.

Gotta separate the money from the prayer requests.

Anything important or a donation over $10,000

goes straight up to Daddy.

Every prayer request is prayed for personally

by one of our team members.

Then requests are shredded

for security and liability reasons.

All the money comes here, where it is sorted, counted,

placed in carts, then moved to the vault.

Ah, the Lord's bounty.

Hmm, you know, Gay, I didn't...

I didn't grow up here, no.

I grew up in a rural part of the state.

Hang on, hang on. Look.

Can we not use code words?

What she's trying to say is that she is a poverty person.

Poverty person?

That's what rural means, poverty person.

So she comes from dirt mud. Who cares, Judy?

I grew up in a hardworking middle class family.

We weren't rich, but we also weren't poor.

And we also don't really care.

That's kind of a boring, lame origin story.

Dale, are you all opening up a new Nancy's Chicken

down on 17th?

I think so.

I mean, we got so damn many of 'em,

it's hard to keep track.

Oh, honey.

But I want you to know my sons grew up eating

Fancy Nancy.

Oh, they did? Yeah?

Your girl did too.

I'm all about them nuggets, though.

That's my deal, the nuggets. I like them sauces.

Yeah.

But we appreciate all of it. We really do.

Dale, I gotta... I'm sorry I'm having to shout.

I'm so far away from ya.

I tell you what, you are an impressive man, Dale.

You got yourself a hot wife...

I like you.

I got to tell you.

You and me, we got to collaborate on something.

I got all kinds of big ideas, chicken ideas.

Baby Billy has wonderful ideas.

I do. I have good... yes, good ideas.

We're already talking to Dale about potential opportunities.

Well, good. Cut me in.

Let's all get together, partner up.

They like keeping all your rich Christian friends

down at that end of the table.

I mean, that's... I don't know who did the seating chart.

But that's all right. Everything okay?

Yes, yes. It's Dot.

It's our daughter.

She's been cussing us out, because she's grounded

from using the helicopter, and...

She's got herself this boyfriend that is

nothing but trouble.

Yep.

He's sending her down a bad path.

- I hate hearing that. - Mm.

You know, Kelvin here specializes in youth ministry.

- Is that a fact? - Yes, sir.

I like to connect with the youths.

You know, get on their level with...

with sports, activities...

we go laser tagging.

Mr. Kelvin, is there any way

you could sit down with our Dot?

Well, if he won't do it now, me and my wife Tiffany,

we'd be more than happy to lend a hand.

She's got all kinds of counseling skills.

Well, actually, Daddy, I could do it.

I mean, I deal with jerk kids in my house every single day.

Okay, ha-ha. I can do it, Daddy.

I'll sit down with her, bad girl to bad girl.

No, Kelvin's got this.

It would be an honor

to deliver your daughter to Christ.

It's your time, my boy.

We do appreciate that, Mr. Kelvin.

It's no big whoop.

You look dumb with them glasses on.

Why you even wearing 'em? It's fashion.

Well, what, is it fashionable to look like Jeffrey Dahmer?

I just... I have a question for Amber.

This is important. I was just wondering if you...

There's something I'd like to share.

Recently, I broke into my husband's e-mail,

and I found some messages that...

well, I'm not really sure how to process it.

The first one was sent last March

from Chad to Jesse Gemstone.

"ATL was dirty, dirty, for sure-y.

"Still can't believe those titties.

Fuck me, I should divorce my wife."

Next e-mail from Jesse to Chad. Mandy.

I think what your husband and my husband

e-mail each other about is none of our business.

Next e-mail from Jesse to Chad.

"You're wild AF. You should get tested, bro.

"Water squirt emoji, water squirt emoji,

water squirt emoji."

I mean, that could mean anything, right?

Next one, from Chad to Jesse, Levi, Gregory, and Matthew.

"Who do I owe for the prostitutes?

"Is that the politically correct term?

"Or is it hoes or whores?

"Hit me up. I'm good for it.

Titties."

Amber, do not bury your head in the sand.

You know this isn't right.

You know what isn't right is going behind

your husband's back.

I refuse to engage in this sort of conjecture.

If you have questions,

you should talk to Chad, not us.

I did talk to Chad.

And what did he say?

That he was hacked, that he didn't write any of it.

Well, there you go.

What do you mean, there I go? Hacked?

Who the fuck is hacking my husband, North Korea?

Who gives a shit about my husband?

Nobody, that's who!

Fucking bastard!

They're fucking up to something.

My life is ruined.

It's gonna be okay.

Mandy had us over today.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

We get there, and she pulls out these documents

that she claims are e-mails between you and Chad

and some of your buddies.

Say what? Where'd she get those?

She broke into Chad's Yahoo.

Good Lord, that is wicked.

I don't even know if they were real.

Some of the ladies thought they may have been hacks.

You know what, I bet they were.

Joke e-mails.

I mean, I can't think of a specific joke e-mail chain

we had going on, but I bet that's what it was.

What did these joke or hack e-mails say?

Stuff about prostitutes and... ATL,

whatever that is.

It sounded like Chad may have contracted

some sort of disease or something.

Oh, come on, now. That's crazy.