Loudermilk

Yes, my dad died.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

I'm Sam Loudermilk, your...

You and my father last year had...

Oh, come on! Not here!

Sorry, but there's someone sleeping on the couch.

If Clyde's father is your father,

that makes you Clyde's uncle?

Brother.Oh.

Felix asked me to join them for some upcoming gigs.

Why would Felix do that? You have no musical talent.

I'm in a band, I'm going to school. It's time to move on.

Don't be a stranger.

I won't.

Oh, hey.I can't.

You can't what?

I can't... I can't do it anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Annette?

Come on, let's go.Bye, guy.

Annette?

What are you thinking?

Hey, who was at the...

Is that Clyde?

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Look at that little guy! Where's Mama?

She took off.Oh, he's a cutie.

Where?

I don't know.What do you mean?

I mean my dead father's baby mama

just dropped off my kid brother and left.

Yeah, I got that part. But to go where?

I don't know, Ben!

Dave and Buster's? Tijuana?

Bellevue?

Oh, my God, so she...

Yeah.

She just?Uh-huh.

Wow.

Is that real?

Yeah, does it look real?

Jesus, I just moved out.

You already got a new roommate?

Hardy-fucking-har-har. Here, give us a hand.

With what?With this.

That's Clyde.

Uh-uh! I'm not touching that.

Why the fuck would you think I know anything about babies?

I don't know. Maternal instinct and all that?

Uh, yeah. No, I didn't get any of that.

You guys are on your own.

Didn't they make you take an egg home in high school?

I don't know, I was high on heroin. Bye!

How the fuck do I know what I'm gonna do?

Calm down, please. And stop with the swearing.

My apologies, Clydie.

Clydie? No, no, no nicknames,

'cause then you're gonna want to keep him.

Whatever. For real, what's the plan?

Well, obviously we're gonna get him back to his mother, where he belongs.

No. No way, Jose. She'll just do something else weird with him.

Oh, like leave him on the doorstep

of someone she hardly fucking knows?Or worse.

And again, I would ask you to please stop swearing.

Their little brains are like sponges.

You don't want his first words to be

"fucktits" or

"nobody makes albums anymore, it's all singles."

Hey, hey, hey, you there.

Did your mommy abandon you?

Yes, she did.

He's pretty big for a crack baby, huh?

He's not a crack baby.

His mom's not an addict?No.

Well, then why f...

F-U-C-K did she drop him off here?

I don't know.

Holy fucking shit, we have a baby.

Okay, give him here. That's enough with the swearing.

I got him, I got him.

Don't drop him.Don't worry about it.

It's gonna be fine, okay?

We'll just... We'll pick up some supplies

and then we'll figure out a plan.

What do you mean, supplies?

You know, stuff that babies need.

A stroller, bottles with the nipples on 'em,

some Ho Hos would be nice.

Oh, I have wipes. Oh, no, what am I saying?

Those are big boy wipes. Cucumber peppermint.

That might be a little spicy for a rookie, huh?

Or we just call the cops.

Let them bring some professionals in.

No, we're not calling the cops.

What are they gonna do?

Bring him right back to his unfit mother.

Ideally.

Yeah, and then pick him up from there

and throw him into the system, is that what you want?

You want your baby brother in the belly of the beast, bro?

Well, I don't want him here.

Now, how do you know all this stuff about babies?

Well, um...

When I was in high school

I was vice president of the babysitter's club.

What?Mm-hmm, two terms.

Yeah.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Loudermilk had a baby.

So? That's no excuse.

Wait, what?

Somebody gave Loudermilk a baby.

A baby what?A baby baby.

Who did?

I don't know, his father's waitress or something?

I didn't engage.

Hey, that was a pretty good gig last Friday, huh?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

Um, look. Um...

I have a confession to make.

Even though the show was really good,

it kinda got me thinking.

That it could be better?

Okay, great. So we're on the same page?

Definitely. It's obvious

I'm the least experienced member of the band.

Right. Yeah, good.

So I have to try extra hard.

Completely commit myself.

I'm even gonna look into taking tambourine lessons.

Um, I don't think anyone teaches tambourine.

It's kinda like you either know it or you don't.

Oh, thanks. Oh, and I have another idea.

If we wanna start making some real cash,

we need some merch,

and I have some really good ideas for a t-shirt.

You know, for a 76

you'd figure they'd have a better baby station.

We don't need that much.

Soon as we can, the kid's going back to his mother.

You still don't get it, do you?

Okay, let me paint a picture that you'll understand.

Imagine that you're the governor.

That's implausible, but no, go ahead.

And Clyde here is on death row

and you're the only one who can save his life.

And in order to save his life, all you have to do

is keep him from going back to his mother, you get it?

Yeah, I don't understand that at all.

How does this kid get so filthy?

Nah, that's my bad.

He won't take the nipple unless I rub some chocolate on it.

What nipple?

Nip... Nipple.

That word doesn't make any... Nipple.

What, were you born without 'em? We got two of 'em.

What the fuck am I looking at?

It's my Mr. Milky man milk vest.

Where did you get that?I told you,

I was the vice president of my high school babysitter's club.

And you've had that ever since?

Yes, I'm a bit of a pack rat. We know this.

Please don't make it weird.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter, did he shit his pants again?

No, we just got clocked by Johnny Law over here.

Oh. Well, we're not doing anything wrong.

Really? Couple of sketchy former addicts

pushing a pawn shop stroller

with a filthy-faced baby who doesn't belong to us? Come on.

All right, let's get out of here. Do we have everything?

I wouldn't be mad at a bag of jerky, actually.

Come on.Okay, just relax.

Oh, uh, gentlemen.

Could I have a minute?

Hey, officer.

How are you, what can we do for ya?

How old?Huh?

The baby. How... How old?

Zero. I mean, you know. I mean, he's not quite... He's not one.

Five months, give or take.

Give or take? You don't know the age of your own child?

He's adopted. From, uh, Vietnam.

And, uh, they don't keep great records there, so.

Oh. He doesn't look Asian.

He's not, he's not.

He's white and that's why they got rid of him.

It's very sad. Isn't that right, Clydie?

It's Clyde.Yep.

Well, my partner and I have a two-year-old, so.

Your partner?

Best decision my husband and I ever made.

Oh. Oh, okay, I understand.

I'm sorry, I thought you meant

your bang-bang-shoot-up- the-bad-guys partner,

Yes, of course.

It's the toughest job you'll ever love.

Being a gay cop?

Kids, kids.

Tough. But you know, rewarding.