Robin Williams: Live on Broadway

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams!

Thank you!

Oh, please!

Sit the fuck down!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, my little semain headed friend!

That's it! Good night! Thank you very much!

Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front.

Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.

We're here in New York, fucking New York!

Yes!

Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater!

This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on!

So that's the way you like it!

Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!

Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees!

I'm over here!

I'm down here!

This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner,

also owned by America On Line...

"You've got mail". I hope you don't have stocks!

Welcome!

Don't be afraid!

It was so reassuring the other day...

George W. Bush talked to the stock market and...

It must be him talking about business ethics

it's kinda like having a leopard give you a facial.

It doesn't really work!

"A lot of our imports come from other countries".

No shit?!

Moving right along...

Meanwhile, Michael is protesting...

I don't know, baby...

It was strange enought when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding.

That for me was like, "You're pushing the term, my man"!

That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting?

- "What are you doing"? - "I'm the best man"!

Now Michael is claming rasism.

I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first".

"What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves"?

"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for"?

"You were Diana Ross. Now you've just left it all behind".

Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced...

And you spend more money than the Vatican.

If you go to Neverland, it says

"You must be this high to ride Michael".

Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, "Fuck"!

But how fucked up do you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man"!

If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,

even rats are going, "Man, that guy's quick"!

"From the Don King School of hair processing..."

He's running for office in Idaho on the

"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket.

Sorry, my lips just went, "What the fuck did you say"?

Couple of dyslexic people went, "Thank you, Robin"!

"Thank you"!

We were worried about the pledge of allegiance.

We were gonna say "One nation under dog"!

It's OK.

I know people are going "I've got a cure for this"!

"One nation under Canada, above Mexico".

But then you have to the whole...

There's anthems like "Someone bless America"!

On the dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust",

"In Gates We Trust"!

"Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly"?

"Monopoly is just a game, senator".

"I'm trying to control the fucking world".

Don't you see Windows Millenium?

It's all leading to Information Technology.

Soon it will be Total Information Technology, "TIT".

And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard.

Don't be afraid!

It's a nice day in New York, my people.

NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go!

Stop! OK, go on again!

You're it! Get the fuck outta here!

I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like "are you OK"?.

People're back to being newyorkers like "Have a nice day, asshole"!

"Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day"!

But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is

that the ladies take the twins for a walk!

Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!

On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go...

Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going...

And then they hit a breeze and "chicken's done"!

Yes! Yeah, baby!

These are not like the tits in Vegas,

where even God goes "I didn't make those"!

Weird tits. You know fake tits are like nazis.

They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just...

"I'm walking here"!

I've seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there.

Babies, lucky they don't have any teeth becayse they'd knock them out.

I've seen tits that are really bad,

like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy.

When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like...

"I'm so scared, but I can't express it".

These are the ladies who've had so much surgery, they're going

"What are these lumps under my eyes"?

"Those are your tits, madam"!

- And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!

This is good news for you.

And girls getting Botox injections...?

- Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression.

You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful.

When guys say to you "Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK"?

"Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man".

And you say "OK, daddy man"!

"Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK"?

I want you to get those big old basket balls.

So when you do the baywatch thing, it's like...

Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny.

So you go to the doctor...

Payback's a bitch! Go for it, girls!

Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre.

Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird!

The weathermen are going,

"I don't fucking know what's going on"!

"Let's just see what happens".

Flowers were like Anne Heche going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."

"I don't know where to go"!

George came back from Japan, he went "I went to the Coyote Conference"

- No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car.

George, walk away.

And they say there's no global warming,

but right now the North Pole is a pool.

It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking.

It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going,

"Is it hot enough for you"?

"No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra".

"I like my old man tities to lactate, my man".

You see people in shorts and you're going "Please, don't wear those"!

"Oh please, don't put those on"!

If you go to South West Airline they're going,

"Sorry, you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged".

Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats.

The problem is that they are not together.

And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack.

People don't mind now. We're working our way through.

All over the country you've got weird things.

In Houston they got Enron field.

"We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck..."

We can't call it "We're fucked field"!

"Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways".

And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch.

No!

Say it ain't so!

I like to consider it more like "severe companion".

If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space",

use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds.

Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.

The first time she has lunch going "You call this keesh"?

Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine!

All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.

I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license.

They're some severe...

They're colours there that have never seen daylight.

I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like

"Take your finger outta my ass, cause I'm leaving you behind"!

Funny ass shit people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.

It's HBO, cause it's live.

People playing baseball. You've got a good seat.

Yankees are kicking again, way to go!

You did a good job. It came through.

Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids.

Here's one quick way you tell

on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.

So if someone steps up to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, "You're out"!

Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him

and when they do it, they're trying to kill him.

He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball.

For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan.

It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that.

Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,

Christians will get Christmas and Easter

and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom.

Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off"!

"What are you doing, you asshole"!

I'm very excited because this is my time

when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man.

I saw world cup, baby.

There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going

"Uh, that's like football without pads, right"?

For the rest of the world, it's football.

For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people".

We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it.

Not like the World Series, cause the French don't have a baseball team.

If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore!

The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out!

We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care!

My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France.

And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals".