Lady Dynamite

We will be regaling our animation audience

with the compelling story of the USS Indianapolis.

The bloodiest, most grotesque shark tale in all of written history, and beyond.

But here's the Shyamalan,

we'll be telling this whole tale from the point of view

of the ravenous man-eaters themselves.

I'll send your waiter over.

So, no notes. What do you think of that?

Bruce, I think I have to bow out of this project.

I don't really understand what it is,

and my plate is really full right now.

Oh, shame on me, going on about my passion project.

I'm completely neglecting my passion person.

So tell me, how are you, my sweet,

my lovely desert flower?

It's a little crazy.

One of the pugs, he ripped his bee costume. And then...

I have an appointment with my life coach, and...

I still need to get in a nap before my set tonight.

- I was gonna say you look tired. - I do?

I don't know. Do you?

I don't know. You said it.

I wasn't listening to the thing I was saying.

I don't wanna get overwhelmed again.

You can't. You're right.

- You've gotta slow down. - Am I going too fast?

Everything's moving fast. I can't keep track of anything.

I'm getting scared, Maria.

This is what I was worried about.

I can't get back on that Hollywood hamster wheel.

Getting sick again.

We can't afford to have you slip back to those depths

from which you emerged.

I better just go.

Yes. You go do you.

I'm a pterodactyl.

Do I seem tired?

Do I seem... sort of overworked...

like, overwhelmed? Doing too much?

Am I talking too fast?

Whoa, whoa. Okay.

You're an artist, right?

Do you know what these Hollywood fuck-faces want?

They want to feed on your soul, okay?

They're goddamn sexy vampires.

They wanna Twilight the shit out of your jugular.

That's just what they wanna do.

But you know what? I'm on Team Maria.

So I say, "Nuh-uh, you go and fuck yourself.

You go and fuck your wolf faces." You know?

Because you know who never gets tired?

And you know who never does talk too fast?

- Who? - Wolves.

So I... I should be more like a wolf?

Growl for me.

No.

Please stop. Stop it.

Stop it. You could've said no, and you didn't.

- So you're not a wolf, okay? - Interesting.

You should see someone about this.

- Okay. - A specialist.

- Great. - And I want to say upfront

you're going to want to fuck him.

He's very handsome. He's very rugged. He's very sexually generous.

He's Karl Grisham, and he is my twin brother.

Oh.

So is... Is he a psychiatrist?

Absolutely not.

Okay. Well, here's your dog.

Mmm-mmm, not mine.

You could leave it on the desk, and I'll find it some fruit.

Maybe I'll take it with me.

I'll just take her.

Okay.

Hey, you found my dog!

- Aw, look at this little lady. - Okay.

Cute.

Listen, I know the reward said 500 bucks,

but... what are you gonna do, keep my dog?

You'd be a total asshole. Here's five bucks.

No. Your sister sent me. I have an appointment.

My sister, huh?

What's she wearing today?

- What? - Nothing. Sorry. Come on in.

- So are you a life coach, or... - Oh. No.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Okay. Oh, a death coach?

Well, yeah. The death of productivity.

I'm a loaf coach.

- Pull up a chair. - Oh... Okay.

So what's been going on?

Well, I'm just worried about triggering my bipolar mania.

Getting a little busier,

and I'm not sure how much is too much, you know?

Let's unwrap and enjoy a stick of butter together.

Okay. Huh.

I'm sorry, what is a loaf coach?

- Oh. I'm gonna tell you a story. - Oh.

Early to bed, early to rise...

makes a man healthy, wealthy...

and crazy.

The industrial age ruined everything, Maria.

This idea that we can get things done faster ruined everything.

It ruined all trades.

It ruined the art of conversation.

You know who's to blame?

Ben Franklin.

Hi, guys.

The guy with the electricity?

Yeah, and the condescending glasses.

He didn't even need those. They were for show.

He was the original hipster fraud.

Think about it. He put buckles on his shoes?

That ludicrous hairstyle?

And the experiments with the fuckin' kites and everything?

Fuck you, Ben Franklin. Eat a dick.

Here's how this is gonna go down.

I'm gonna shadow loaf you for 10 days.

It sounds like...

you got a solid program, and I wanna follow through with it.

I used to think more was more.

But now, I realize, less... is more of what I need.

You know?

Sorry.

I trained my body to sleep with my eyes open.

I call it Grisham Cryosleep.

- Feels like we're done, right? - Right.

This was a good first sesh.

Well done, Maria.

Thank you.

This loafing thing felt good.

I have a history of pushing myself a little too hard.

Hi, guys.

Oh, boy.

"Follow the rose petals to a super surprise."

Okay.

So many rose petals. Too much.

Too soon.

Good mornin', babe.

Oh...

Look, an omelet bar.

Wow. You sure got the rose petals in there.

You're darn right I did.

That's feta cheese and rose petal.

- The kids get in tomorrow. - Okay. Great.

You're okay with them stayin'?

Yes! I don't at all feel unnerved.

I love kids and their faces and skins.

I'm gonna get someone to hang out with them

since I have to work.

Tell that person they are gonna have to hang out with me, too.

Because I'm spending all day with your children.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

- You don't have to. - I do have to,

because I love being busy with kids.

Have them bring friends. Have their friends bring friends.

You know what, can you excuse me a moment?

Maria, your kids are here. We dropped them at craft services.

I need you to sign your SAG paperwork.

Okay, great.

I didn't know you had kids.

Well, they aren't mine. They are my boyfriend/tenant's.

But I treat them like mine. I adore them.

Uh, did they say their names?

I'm sorry about the sweat. I just...

My hands get sweaty when I'm around kids,

'cause I love them. It's innate within me to love children.

I love them. I'm a mother. Really, like a mother...

Do you think Checklist is unethical? Do you think what I'm doing is wrong?

I AD'd a Mexican snuff movie, so I'm not the one to ask.

You're wearing a microphone.

Oh.

Yep. Got it. Okay, I have eyes on her right now.

We'd like to invite you to set.

Do you have a towel or something... Maybe I could wipe my hands on your hair?

- Absolutely. - Okay. Great.

Okay, great. And picture's up!

I love Checklist!

When you shop, you shop

We're your one-stop shop

We're your cradle-to-grave store

When you shop, you shop

Buy more!

Do more! Be more!

I got everything on my list. My checklist.

Cradle, check.

Grave, check!

Call the medic!

I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - Come here.

Extras are so goddamn annoying.

Don't make eye contact. That's gonna encourage him.

Extras don't feel pain. That's why they call them background.

Well...

I gotta take this.

It's my groomer. My dog's having his anal glands expressed.

Poor baby. You know what, though?

It reminds me of what's really important...

Oh, mother fuck me!

There's blood on my Louboutins.