Cougar Town

You know, I'm actually feeling a little guilty

Because last night you left your purse here,

And then when the pizza man I came, I was $2 short,

So I took it from you. 2 bucks. Big deal.

I also took a pack of gum, a lipstick

And, uh, 28 other dollars. I was going out to get wine.

You stole from me to support a drinking habit?

I am so proud of you.

Well, I thought you would be.

No. Please tell me you did not wear that t-shirt out.

You're welcome. Andy, I'm sure that you heard that last week

Bobby and I kind of reconnected in a... Physical way,

And then I realized it was a mistake.

You hit it and quit it. That's how I do.

Anyway, could you go check on him and make sure he's okay?

No problem. It's not like I have to spend any time at theym.

No.

Don't look at me. I just can't take seeing you right now.

Then it makes total sense to come to the bar I own.

I feel so guilty

About sleeping with you and not telling jules.

I know. I wish I had a time machine

So I could go back and undo...

You know, you.

I would also use it to go back

And tell my cousin not to give her daughter up for adoption.

We're pretty sure she's dakota fanning now.

Yeah, she's not adopted.

Hmm. Hey. Have you guys seen bobby?

He's not on his boat or the golf course

Or by that underpass where he buys fish and sports coats.

Oh, you must have just missed him there.

hey, little buddy. You like? 4 bucks.

Do you know how I like everything to be about me?

I've met you, so, uh-huh.

And I just feel like you and I haven't had an ellie day

In such a long time, you know, where we focus on my needs,

You know, I talk, you listen, you talk

And I think of what I'm gonna say next? Like that.

I really like those days. I-I feel like a butler.

What are we gonna do?

You could take me shopping at age-inappropriate stores,

And then we could come back

And drink that $28 bottle of wine that you bought.

It was really 2 $14 bottles of wine,

And, uh, they're gone.

Are you still proud of me?

Maybe even more so, sweetie.

I heard about jules, man. You okay?

I won't lie. Mm.

Her telling me that it's definitely really over,

You know, it stung a bit. Sorry, man.

It's okay. I've moved on.

Now I'm celebrating

With a parking lot booze cruise on the boat.

I just need grey poupon over here to get out his wallet

And loan me three kegs.

Why don't you just buy a few cases of beer?

Because then there wouldn't be any sexy keg-pumping banter.

Hey, baby.

you're really good at that.

You want me to keep pumpin'? Never stop pumping.

A whole new level of disturbing.

Who's your friend? He's handsome.

Give it up.

Well, hello, sir.

Oh, that's alex,

My tennis teacher/ fake boyfriend.

I've been fake seeing him for months.

Oh, and look at that cute little button nose.

I'd like to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.

Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable

That you want to wear them,

It makes you seem a little serial killer-y,

Especially when you do it about kids. Ooh, I would love to have

A scarf made of little bitty baby hands.

See, that's not a great out-loud thought.

so I'm gonna be back from my lesson in an hour,

And then you and I will have ellie day. Oh,

I'm so sorry, but I'm really not up to it today.

I just keep thinking about that mess with bobby.

And then it just takes me straight back to obsessing

On what am I doing with my life, and I-I don't want to burden you

With it, but seriously, what am I doing with my life?

I mean, ellie, am I going to be alone forever?

How are we back here again?

Please. I could get back to this place from anywhere. Say a word.

Eggplant.

Eggplants are vegetables.

My uncle's a vegetable because he got hit by a truck.

Trucks carry beers. Beers come in 40s.

I'm 40 and alone, and what am I dog with my life, ellie? Wow.

Andy, where you goin'?

Sorry, captain. Have to bounce.

Come on, man. It's time you start living

Like you have a mustache. Oh,.

No, no, it's not...

It means I have to ask myself the ultimate question-

What would burt reynolds do?

I'm gonna call ellie.

Hell, yeah! Andy!

andy! Andy! Andy! shh.

what? I'm busy.

Oh, hey, look, uh, bobby's hurting real bad.

Uh, you think I should stay with him? Do whatever. I've gotta go.

Hey, everybody! I'm in!

yay.

Oh. They seemed more invested a second ago.

You gotta turn your hips.

Yeah, but I'm confused. I think you should show me again.

Hey, there. Ellie said you had room for one more?

Always.

All right. What are you doing here?

Come on. A little flirty-flirty might help me with my mood.

Don't get bummed if he ignores you,

Because he's pretty into me.

Aren't you a little worried about your grunting?

you sound like a lumberjack.

ah!

oh!

yes!

oh, god!

Did you really just say "oh, god"?

I quit.

Oh, god. I have heartburn in my brain.

Where's andy?

oh, yeah.

I put you in can-jail for partying too hard.

I gotta get home!

Why are his pants so long and tight?

oh, yeah. We traded.

mmm!

Ooh!

Oh, god!

Good coffee, mrs. Torres?

She's just mocking me because yesterday,

See, when I was making those noises-

I'm out.

I'm allowed to make fake sexual noises, travis!

That's a weird tng to take a stand on.

I shouldn't...

oh! Oh, hey. Hi.

I'm so sorry I was- I was out all night.

Uh, bobby was so down.

Teeny tiny headache.

You missed some idiot calling 20 times

At, like, 4:00 in the morning.

I have to check my voice mail to see who I have to kill.

Oh, I'll-I'll do that for you.

So when's our next tennis lesson? Never.

I call dibs on alex. You can't call dibs. You're married.

Hey, will you help us figure out who gets dibs on a guy?

Well, that's easy. Which one of you's pregnant? No one.

Well, then I got nothing.

hello! Wake up. I miss you!

Andy. Who is it?

a... Phone solicitor.

And delete.

All right, you have to let me come on another lesson.

You just don't want me to go because you're scared

That alex is gonna like me more than you,

Because I know how to talk like young people. Oh, really?

Chillax. Tweet. Rihanna.

wow. What? What?

Hateyself.

Go ahead and come tomorrow. Oh, it is so on!

You can't be happy when you say that.

That's not how it works. Try it again. You have to be mean.

it is so on, you stupid bitch. Wow.

was that too much? Yeah.

Hey, can we talk? Okay, never barge in

On an 18-year-old who has the internet.

Once again, I act without thinking.

What are you talking about?

I did something that I really, really regret.

And the worst part is, whenever I feel this down,

I always end up back together with dale.

It happens so often

That I keep a drawer of stuff at his house, travis, you know,

A toothbrush, shampoo, my jeica simpson hair extensions.

Well, why don't you just go get your stuff

So you'll never have to go back?

That is so smart! Mm.

You should make all my decisions for me in life. Come on.

You could be like my conscience, just sitting on my shoulder.

"hey, laurie, do the right thing."

"no, the bad thing's so much fun."

"shut up, bad side of laurie."

Come with me to dale's. please.

How could I say no to that?

travis, I'm coming in.

My hand is on the door.

Okay, I'm in the room now.

Do I have the all-clear sign?

That is how you enter travis' room.

Where are you going?

I hate to leave you alone two nights in a row,

But bobby's still in a very bad way.

He needs me, ellie.

Whatever.