Mom

Hi. Bonnie, married alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Is she gonna say that every time?

I heard that, and yes.

Because here's the thing:

I'm sharing that the program works.

I am going on a honeymoon.

Iam. Okay?

This former junkie is gonna spend seven days

and six nights with her husband in a lake house.

On a lake.

Of course, Marjorie tried to ruin it by saying,

"Make sure you go to a meeting."

And I said, "The only thing

"that's gonna be meeting is

me and my husband's naughty parts."

Anyway, I won't be here next week.

I expect it will affect attendance,

and for that I apologize.

Christy,

extremely single alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

But I can also tell you this program works

because while she's on her honeymoon,

I am being put in charge of her husband's bar.

Iam.

An entire building filled with alcohol,

and I will be its queen.

There was a time you couldn't leave me alone

with half a light beer that had a cigarette floating in it.

I am so proud of me.

I'd tell you guys to come and check me out,

but it's a bar, so... feels a bit inapro-pro.

That's all I got.

You already shared.

I know, but I didn't mention that I have a boyfriend.

Hi. Jill, alcoholic with a boyfriend.

Okay, you go.

Hi. Tammy, alcoholic.

Just got on Tinder.

So far, it's been mildly disturbing.

Hi, Tammy.

I just got passed over for a temporary promotion

at the bar where I work.

Now, some might call it nepotism,

but I choose to believe

it's because I'm simply too valuable in my current position.

That's called self-esteem,

and it's not something you get just because

your mom married the bar owner.

Thank you.

Am I allowed to say this place is amazing

if I'm the one who picked it out?

Well, I picked you out, and I say you're amazing every day.

Aw... Mm.

Whoa.

Oh, cool!

A bearskin rug!

Tell me doing it on a dead bear is not on your bucket list.

Oh, wow.

A bowl of apples. Super friggin' classy.

Hey, and they're real.

They're not good, but they're real.

Babe, this place is incredible.

Oh, honey, look at us.

We're on our honeymoon, and the setting is so perfect.

And, oh, my God!

There's a family of deer

grazing on what can only be described

as a meadow.

Pants off. We're mounting the bear.

All right, team. Listen up.

As you guys know,

Adam left me in charge of the bar this week.

We know 'cause she's told us eight times.

And here's the deal:

I have not been able to get my mom and Adam

a proper wedding gift because Visa recently invited me

to stop using my credit card.

So, my wedding gift

is going to be to give this bar back to Adam

with amazing improvements in efficiency and profitability.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But okay, I'm not in charge.

Tammy?

Do we have a chain of command issue here?

Sorry, boss...'s stepdaughter.

I am going to run this bar a bit smarter.

For example...

and the alcoholic part of me dies when I say this...

we make our drinks too strong.

So, I am implementing the one-two-three-four pour.

To get exactly an ounce into a cocktail,

you pour and count.

One, two, three, four.

And what should I count to

if I ever want the customers to come back?

Hey, Rick,

what's with the pushback?

Is it 'cause she's a woman?

I'm not gonna answer that truthfully

with four women in the room.

Look,

over-pouring by even a quarter of an ounce

can cost up to ten drinks per bottle.

Bam! Guess who did her homework!

Our tiny little leader!

Thanks for coming over to my side.

I didn't. I just really hate Rick.

This is awesome.

It's the most peaceful place I've ever been.

God, I hate those sunglasses.

Why did he wait till our honeymoon

to break out the hideous ladies eyewear?

Ugh!

All that's missing is a sun hat

and a tiny Chihuahua.

Where'd you get those sunglasses?

The mall. Aren't they great?

Mm-hmm.

Got two pair, in case anything happens to these.

There goes that plan.

Hey, hey.

Stop picking on him. He's a great guy

who loves you more than anyone ever has.

Holy crap, he's a book chuckler.

I'm staring down the barrel of 50 years

with a book chuckler.

I should throw myself off this deck right now.

Oh, come on. Stop.

Look at the view.

Clear blue sky.

Beautiful lake.

A little noisy.

Stupid tiny waves.

Shut up, lake.

What is wrong with me?

I'm in the perfect place with the perfect man,

and all I can think about is,

"How far do I have to swim out into that lake

before I can't make it back?"

I'm so happy.

Not as happy as me!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Come on, Rick. Pick it up. What's the problem?

You changed the way I do everything,

so it takes twice as long.

All my changes are time-savers.

Oh, well, speaking just for me...

and everyone else... they're not.

And here are your chicken wings.

I ordered nachos.

Tammy?

Those go to table four.

This is four. This is the old four.

I'm sorry, I do not understand your insane system.

There is nothing insane about clockwise.

You start at the bar,

then go one, two, three, four.

Why do all your new rules involve counting?

Just go get those people their 'chos.

Christy, saying "'chos" isn't any faster than saying "nachos."

It absolutely is.

No, it's not. I'll prove it to you.

When I count to three...

Oh, my God. More counting.

You say "nachos," I'll say "'chos."

One, two, three.

Nachos.'Chos.

See? I win!

No! I win because I'm in charge.

Fine. All right. What about beef nachos?

You want me to just say "beef 'chos"?

Those are obviously b-chos.

I think you're being kind of a b-cho.

If you need me, I'll be out here

getting more mountain air, my love!

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hello. How's the happy newlywed?

Everything is perfect and I'm completely miserable.

And if I'm completely miserable on our honeymoon,

what does that say about our marriage?

Not gonna work, that's what it says.

I'm guessing you haven't been to a meeting.

I'm in the middle of nowhere. What am I supposed to do,

find a raccoon with a whiskey problem?

Check online.

There are alcoholics everywhere, even in the wilderness.

After four years of sobriety, I'd like to think

I could go a week without a meeting.

You know, Bonnie, when you packed your suitcase,

you also packed yourself.

I also packed a phone charger. What's your point?

I'll say it so a child could understand.

You have alcoholism here, you have alcoholism there,

you have alcoholism everywhere.

I will punch you here, I will punch you there,

I will punch you everywhere.

I don't need a meeting!