The Slipper and the Rose

Why do they always sound so many trumpets?

I'm not Jehovah.

Why can't a prince come home without a fuss?

Presumably because he is a prince, sir.

Other people can sneak in the back way unannounced,

which is how it should be.

What are you smiling at?

Oh, was I smiling, sir?

Just the sudden warmth cracking my face.

A prince's lot is nothing more than a bore.

Your face cracks rather easily, doesn't it?

Now, you mark my words,

before you can count to 10,

through that door, with the odious punctuality

of our neighbor's much vaunted,

recently invented, hideously irritating cuckoo clock,

will come our dear and loyal subject,

the ever-unctuous lord high Chamberlain.

5, 6...

7!

He's improving.

One of these days, he's going to achieve

the elusive 10-minute mile.

Ha ha ha ha!

Your royal highness. Ah, welcome home.

Welcome home, your royal highness.

My lord high Chamberlain,

what an unexpected pleasure.

I am commanded by

his majesty the king, your father,

and her majesty the queen, your mother--

yes, yes, now, don't tire yourself,

I am acquainted with them.

How are my doting parents?

Their majesties are naturally most anxious to hear

such glad tidings I feel sure you bear

concerning your recent absence from the court.

Namely, the matter of your acceptance of

and betrothal to the princess selina of carolsfeld.

Indeed, in anticipation of such wonderful news,

his majesty the king has decided to make you

a knight grand cross

of the most illustrious order of Saint David the martyr.

Which is usually awarded posthumously.

A suitable honor, as it happens,

for the matter of my betrothal is very status quo.

I did not find the lady of your choice to be my choice.

Oh, but, sir-- we are returned...

As we departed.

The king I'm sure, and indeed my dear mama

will share your noticeable grief.

Indeed, sir, the whole court will be grieved.

Well, so be it.

Any simple peasant is afforded the ability

in love... To win or lose

while I of the nobility am robbed of the facility

to choose

any serf or servant can by natural selection

elect himself a mate if she's amenable

but due to my high breeding, I'm continually acceding

to demands I find increasingly

untenable

all I ask, and it's a simple enough request--

well, follow me, by all means, follow me.

I wish to know, I demand to know...

Why can't I be two people?

Why can't I live two roles?

Why can't one of me perform all the cloying amenities ti

while the other me, twin brother me

be a free and happy soul?

why can't I be two people?

Split myself right in half

then I could satisfy and mollify

and pacify and qualify

while the other me would have

a hell of a healthy laugh, ha? '11

the custom of royalty in referring to oneself

is to naturally employ the royal "we“

"we are very happy" si

y, “we are very sad“ “I

“we are bored and suffer from ennui"

for a royal prince, there's no such word as “me"

it's always "we“

so, rightfully, I should be two on three

don't you agree?

It's not for me to say, your royal highness.

Perhaps not.

So, I ask myself...

Why can't I be two people?

Why can't I play two parts?

Why can't one of me endure the appalling formalities

while the other me, twin brother me

have a free and happy heart?

If I could be two people

life would not pass me by

I'd have a chance to pick and choose

I'd have a chance to win or lose

and maybe one of us would have a chance to live...

Before we die!

Die? Who's died?

Ah! At last! Our dear son.

We are... we are... We're what?

Delighted.

Yes, delighted to see you return.

Oh!

Ah, yes, I have something for you.

Father...

Your majesty--

kneel, sir.

Father.

I do not wish" it would be most inappropriate...

Your majesty, his royal highness has returned--

of course he's returned! You get more senile every day.

I have returned, father--

now you' re catching it.

Empty-handed. Kneel, sir.

Father, this is most emibarrassing.

I command you to kneel, sir!

I don't deserve it. I haven't earned it.

Nobody earns this.

It's given because I am the king and I like it.

Where's my sword?

Ah! It's far too heavy.

You know, I was born with the curse of the weak wrists.

Oh, I do so love a ceremony.

Ah, that's better. I dub thee--

now, wait a minute.

Shouldn't there be something before that?

Yes, indeed, sire. I have it here.

Your majesty--father, do we--must I--

us, or course, you must. Ahem!

“Let it be known to all here present

“that by our command his royal highness,

“the prince Edward Charles

"Albert George James Richard Augustus Philip

has received our gracious favor.“

er... who wrote this?

You did, sire.

Ah, yes, well, it's magnificent stuff.

Well worth paying attention to.

“From this day henceforth shall be entitled

"to be known as a knight grand cross

of the most illustrious order of Saint David the blessed martyr. "

There's... somebody in the room!

Very fine. Now I kiss you on both cheeks.

That's the part I like best.

I sometimes give medals to a whole regiment.

Good. Very touching ceremony.

Most touching, sire.

Sycophant!

Don't always have to agree, you know.

Congratulations, dear cousin.

Oh, lord! Who let him in?

Congratulations ! I heard all the trumpets.

Now, don't you start.

Oh! A little premature, am I?

I say, have I dropped the tiniest of social brickettes?

I mean, I was being quite sincere.

Well, you know, as sincere as I ever am.

Oh, no!

Who is it? Has there been an uprising?

No, your majesty. It's just the Duke of montague.

Is he still alive?

I thought we buried him.

Father, ever since I entered this room,

I've been trying to tell you that

what you expected of me did not take place.

My throw, I think.

No, it's not. You're cheating again.

Kings never cheat. They adapt to circumstances,

but they never cheat.

If I may, sir, by roux leave,

this thing is choking me.

You see how I'm placed?

Accused in front of the court by my own wife.

Father, this is serious.

Of course, it' s serious.

I shall probably concede the game.

It's a royal prerogative to be unsporting.

Never concede.

I throw.

Black 5 !

The match, father, was of your making not of mine.

Even so, as a dutiful son,

I journeyed far beyond our borders

to pay my respects to the lady and...

See for myself.

And she was fair, was she not?

Indeed, sir. Perhaps pale rather than fair.

A sickly lady, sir, given to much swooning

and... and vapors.

All ladies swoon. They know it's expected of them.

Some swoon more than others, sir,

and swooning to excess is not a quality I greatly admire.

She refused you? Is that what you're saying?

No, father, she could not refuse me

because I did not offer.

You perhaps placed too much trust

in the portrait painters of carolsfeld.

The likeness was no likeness.