Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American

That was so fun, Daddy.

-You did your riding with the horses? -Yeah.

But it was really good today 'cause I got to ride her--

Okay.

All right, Harper, I gotta do a show.

-Be funny. -Be funny.

-I love you. I love you. -We love you.

And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze!

All right.

This is it.

Uh, this is fun, huh?

This is… Yeah.

I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year.

Out of all the years, this has been the best one.

I mean, I don't… You know, there's aliens.

They said there's UFOs.

And no one cares. That's…

What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in,

"Hey, everybody, on the news…" At the end of the news!

They go, "There's UFOs."

You're like, "Aw, do they have COVID?" And you're like, "No."

"I don't know. They won't get tested." But, uh…

It's funny, I told my wife that. I said, "They said there's UFOs,"

and she just went about her day. I mean, just…

You might even watch this and be like, "I didn't hear that." That's the point.

That's how amazing 2020 has been.

I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at.

You know? You want to be in the middle, I think.

And I've got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on,

and they sleep with a mask on,

'cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it,

and they live alone, it's just them and the hamster.

And I also have friends that I don't think have even heard about COVID.

I…

It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that's how they're living.

I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it.

There's a big… They're like, "I had it, I had a fever." Uh…

"February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it."

I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015.

He's…

I mean, convinced. He goes, "I had it in 2015."

"I was the first, and it just didn't catch on like it has now, but…"

I can tell you one thing that's gone forever

is coughing in public.

That's… That's a wrap. I mean…

You drink water wrong at a restaurant,

just go walk in traffic.

Um…

Whole restaurant just stops.

Your table would be like, "Get out of here. Get out of here."

You know who that'll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents,

'cause that's one of their favorite things to do,

is cough in public.

They love it. That's all they do.

They cough everywhere. My dad's choking constantly.

Just always… If he's not choking, that's when we get worried.

That's how much choking… We go to a restaurant,

they're like, "Is your dad okay?" I'm like, "I didn't…"

"Yeah, that's just what he does." You know?

I've been traveling all over the country during this COVID,

and what I've seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they're doing good.

I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they're supposed to.

A lot of people are doing it, we're trying.

We take our temperature.

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature.

You telling me that teenager doesn't know what he's doing? Is that what you're…

Don't think he's going to doctor school? That's how they get started,

is he takes temperatures, and he's like, "45 degrees. You're good."

Uh, yeah, you're, like, 60 degrees from the problem.

So I don't, you know… And they're not even worried about it.

"Fifty-seven degrees." You're like, "Actually, I'm dead, dude."

"That's not good."

I asked, "Does that even work?"

"I don't know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead." I…

I swear, one kid said, "Beep."

I don't think his beep worked, and he goes, "Beep."

And I was like,

"Was that…" And he goes, "You're fine."

I've done pretty good during COVID.

I, uh… 'Cause I feel like you could either…

I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways.

If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time.

I mean, everybody's fine with it.

You can just do it, but I've been doing all that up until COVID.

I've always lived by that rule.

So during COVID, I was like, "I need to stop."

And my neighbor started working out in his driveway.

So he's like, "Let's work out in my driveway." And, you know,

it's hard to make excuses during COVID. You're like, "I'm just so busy."

"I'm just… I can't, I got a lot of stuff to do today."

And he's just out there.

So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer,

and I'm not a big fan of working out, never done it.

And I told them, "I just wanna do upper-body stuff."

And they go, "All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?"

That's all it is, is legs.

I think it's a huge conspiracy with trainers

that you never actually do your upper body,

and when you are doing it… I asked him, "Is this upper body?"

He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Yeah? 'Cause I'm bending down quite a bit."

What I eat, that's the main problem.

I eat like a child.

I eat… I mean, it's not good.

He goes, "Let's go through what you had for breakfast,

your whole day of eating." He goes, "Let's go through yesterday."

And in my head, I'm like, "Yesterday's not a good day."

"Let's pick another day."

Uh…

He goes, "Go through yesterday." I go, "All right, I had donuts in the morning."

And he goes, "All right, was it like they were just out or something?"

I go, "No, I drove. I drove to it."

"I drove to it." He's like, "Is it on your way?"

I go, "No, I was late to where I was going because of it."

He goes, "What about late-night snacking?"

I was like, "Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night."

He goes, "Did you watch a movie?" I go, "No, just regular TV."

And he's like, "The little kid bag?"

I go, "No, it was a bag. It was a bag of 'em."

"If you saw it without a label and someone said, 'Hand me that bag,'

they wouldn't be confused on what you were asking."

I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor…

It's like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda,

and I'm like, "What's going on, man? I can't…"

"Dude, at night, my brain just doesn't stop."

And they're like, "Yeah, dude, you can't eat Sour Patch Kids in bed."

"Maybe that's a problem."

We've been traveling around like crazy.

Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun.

I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time,

I was in Los Angeles,

and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day,

and I had a really early flight.

I remember the night before, I was like, "Just be normal, have a normal night."

And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem.

And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone.

I've missed it, and it's not like it's at the gate,

it is in Austin, Texas.

They are checking into their hotel.

So I go to get my phone to get another flight,

and I've lost my phone. The night before, I've lost it.

So now I don't have my phone.

So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it's the '50s.

And when you walk up to a counter,

they don't expect you to be buying a ticket like that.

I got up there, and they're like, "All right."

I was like, "I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please."

And they said, "All right, go buy it and don't be weird about it."

I go, "No, I'd like to write a check to you for one ticket

to Austin, Texas."

They didn't have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal.

I just have keep going, "One ticket to Austin, Texas, please."

I finally found a flight,

but the girl behind the counter, she's never sold a ticket like that.

"I've worked here for ten years. No one's ever done this."

"I don't know how to do it."

She went back and got probably the oldest lady I've ever seen.

I think she's there for just this reason.

She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run.

She's like, "I got it. I've been… This is super fun for me."

It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone.

I was going through the airport,

and you just don't have it, and you just stare.

I mean, we were waiting in line,

and you're just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like,

"All right, dude, what is wrong with you?" Just regular people…

Like, "Where's your phone?" I'm like, "I don't have it."

"I'd like to talk to you, though, if you'll talk to me."

"I'd love to chat for a little bit."

I thought I was going to breeze through security,

but I got held up 'cause of the guy in front of me.

He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off,

and so they ask him, "Do you have anything metal on you?"

And he goes, "I have keys on me, my keys."

And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just…

Old people have metal in them a lot.

And he goes, "Keys? Do you think that would do it?"

You're like, "That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud

of what would set a metal detector off." "Keys."

I told him, "Look, let's try it with and without it."

"I'd love to know. Maybe they've been lying to us about this key thing."

So I've been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows,

and my buddy Nic Novicki's been with me.

And Nic's a little person, very fun. We started comedy together.

Nic's very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick.

We were once at a coffee shop,

and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog.

And Nic just goes, "Hey, you think that's a wolf?"

And I just said, "Yeah, I do think it's a wolf." Uh…

"They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf,

you can have it as a pet."

He goes, "Should I go ask him about it?"

I was like, "Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it."

"That's why he brought that wolf out here."

I watched him walk over to him and just go, "Excuse me, is that a wolf?"

And the guy, he didn't really know how to answer.

He's like, "What?"

"I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop…

and the wolf's just being cool about it? It's not losing its mind right now?"

When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together,