Modern Family

Do we really have to leave?

Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?

I know... it's killing me.

Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.

Look, we'll all come back. I love it here, too.

Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.

Now, come on.

Get upstairs and pack, or else you might miss your flight.

Mwah!

After a great week in New York,

I had to get to Raleigh for the Carolina Closet Caucus.

Phil and I have always wanted

to drive across the country together,

so we thought we'd make a road trip of it.

Bye! Bye, guys!

Bye! Bye! Bye!

We'll miss you!

Okay, here's the deal... We're staying another night.

What?

You heard mom and dad. They said no.

Well, we'll still get home before them. They'll never know.

Oh, come on. Andy and I just broke up.

I'm not ready to go back and face life.

Come on, how would we even pay for the hotel?

We can use Luke's carnival settlement money.

No way! I earned that.

I'm the one who fell off that ride.

We were the ones who really suffered.

We couldn't turn on lights or make loud noises

until your head got small again.

We can't use that money. It's for college.

Okay, okay, let's spend it.

Oh, look... that sushi restaurant we never made it to.

Oh, yeah. We tried.

They just never had a table for five.

Mnh-mnh. Hm.

We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we?

Yes, we did. Yeah.

Never got to get on one of those horse-drawn carriages

through the park.

Alex's allergies.

Didn't know you could be allergic to carriage leather.

Still, just so much good family time.

Family time.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You could blow off the convention.

We could stay here for a romantic few days

but never tell the kids because we just made them go home?

Yes!

That is the first time you've ever

answered that question right.

Not today!

And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

Oh! Cam, it is so beautiful outside.

You got to...

Ohhhh... right.

We decided to spend the summer in Missouri.

But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her deathbed.

Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.

Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful

of my family situation.

I'm sorry... I didn't realize the vigil

had drifted out to the common areas.

Cam, come on. She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall.

Maybe it's time to, you know...

What? What are you saying, Mitchell?

That we should pull the plug?

Lord o' mercy.

Have you even taken your turn sitting with Gram?

No, she doesn't want me there. She hates me.

This again.

Cam, she refers to me as "the sissy."

You heard that wrong.

She's hard to understand because of the dentures she inherited.

You know they were made from the keys of a child's piano.

What do you even say to someone in a coma?

Well, Mama's reading her poetry.

Lily's reciting scripture.

Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger,

"Sweet Home Ala-gramma."

Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.

Oh, I'm sorry... Is she your Ala-gramma?

Oh, fine. I'll think of something.

Sorry.

This collar itches.

Stop it. You all look so handsome.

We look like The Three Amigos.

We were in Juarez

for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding.

It was so beautiful.

Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time

for her father to make it.

Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're missing everything.

Hang on... I'm trying to lock up some sausages

for Father's Day this weekend.

You wait till the last minute, you wind up eating

chicken and apple, like some damn hippie.

Double click!

La Diabla.

Manny, come dance with me.

Son of a bitch, that's good!

Hola, Jay.

Oh, hey... Sonia.

I see Gloria's avoiding me.

She's still mad because I forwarded her that mass e-mail.

Could be that, or it could be the last time you saw her,

you tried to steal me and kill her.

Hm.

So, how is my sister?

Fantastic. Great.

'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce business,

she got a lot on her plate.

Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?

They just call them cookies.

I'll speak with Gloria later.

I have to drop this at the gift table.

Great.

My seat is cold, and the flowers wilted.

I see that my sister has been here.

Will you get over that?

She couldn't have been nicer. We talked about Joe.

I told her how well your hot-sauce business was going.

By the way, have you tried one of these cookies?

Why did you tell her about the sauce?

Everybody, get your things.

We have to leave Juarez right now!

What?! It took me 45 minutes to get into this outfit!

You know how crazy Sonia can be.

She's gonna be so jealous now that she knows

that I am a very successful businesswoman.

Aren't you 400 bucks in the hole on that thing?

You don't think this looks bad...

us walking out before dinner?

Joe has a fever, and he... he's sweating very much.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna reverse what I said.

Central Park dog rentals... million-dollar idea.

Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being on vacation,

but is there a bird more majestic

than the American pigeon?

Get dressed. We're going out for walk-around breakfast pizza.

Oh! Shoot. Forgot my room key.

Oh! I've got to get a picture of this paneling for my dad.

Aromatic cedar flake board... game a-changed.

I love my sexy little closet nerd.

Oh, honey.

I'm gonna take a quick tub.

We should check in with the kids from "the road."

Oh, right, right.

We should also maybe get some ice for drinks.

Let's wait for him in the lobby. I need coffee anyway.

The people next door kept me up all night with their sex noises.

I caught the end of that.

He sounded like a scared ghost.

"Ohh! Ohh!"

Ugh.

Oh, my God. It's Mom.

Uh, well, stay calm.

Uh, we're home, we flew in last night.

Oh. Come on. She's gonna want to talk to Luke.

Oh.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

I'm coming to you from West Virginia.

What are you girls doing today?

Oh, you know, me and Alex just out shopping.

Who are you talking to?

Dad. Who are you talking to?

Mom.Mom.

The girls. Luke.

Hold on.

I told them we were in West Virginia.

What did you say? Kentucky.

Mom thinks we're shopping.

I told Dad I was making us breakfast.

When have you ever made us breakfast?!

Okay, girls, um, I got to go.

Us too. Drive safely. Bye.

Hey, buddy, I should get going.

There's a cop walking towards us.

I guess it looks weird with us parked right here

on the state border with me up here in Kentucky

and your mom in the back seat over in West Virginia. Got it.

I should probably finish packing up the breakfast

I'm bringing to the girls

at the shopping mall where they're shopping.

Okay. See ya, pal. See ya.

That's how you do that. Done.

I'm gonna come back.

No, no, no. I'm glad you're up here.

We can finish later. Yeah, yeah.

She likes it when you stroke her hair and rub her feet.

And, Mitchell, make sure her tongue stays moist.

How would I... Ugh.

Hey, Grams.

How's... How's the coma?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

A-Are you trying to say something?

Aww.

Ow. Ow!