Witless

I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud

over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.

Until this goes to trial,

you'll both be granted protected witness status.

You're saying we need to go into witness protection?

From now on, I need you to only use these names.

Sarah Penn.

Lisa Smith.

Look, I've got a job for yous, ain't I?

It's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

They need taking out.

Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before? Yeah.

Yeah, of course, man.

Hiya, Jackie.

Nice weather we're having.

Telly said it was going to piss it down.

Are you taking the piss?

Police are here, Gaz, want to talk to you.

I'd like to take Gareth down to the station,

if you don't mind, Mrs Pugh.

'To make a formal statement.'

Has anyone been down to speak to you about anything?

Nah.

That's weird, mate, cos...

..I thought I saw the 5-0 outside your house earlier.

There's a mole in the police.

'Your location has been compromised.'

Shit!

Oh, bums.

Jackie!

Jackie.

Jackie!

Rhona, guard the door.

Rhona! Yes, sorry. Jackie!

Oh, my God, I'm a murderer. I've got blood on my hands.

Like Blair, only without the property portfolio.

What are you doing? Calling an ambulance.

No, wait, they'll put me in jail. Rhona, we've got to.

Oh, God! Look, you shot her through a closed door.

She didn't even see you. Ambulance, please.

Great, I'm not just a murderer, I'm a competent murderer

Yeah, a lady's been shot.

39 Woodbridge Court, Swindon. Please come quickly.

Leanne.

Shit.

There's a guy out there looking at the flat, Rhons.

I'm not being funny.

I think that's him. I think that's the baddie.

Christ! How are we going to get out of here?

And what are we going to say happened?

Oh, my God.

I think she's breathing. Really?

I think her tits are moving up and down.

Right, we need to shoot one another.

What? Just in the foot or something, as a cover story.

We'll say that a guy came, shot us all, and then he went.

Rhons, I think there's an argument

for saying let's not shoot any more people.

We've got no choice. Here. Shoot me in the foot.

I... Are you...? Shoot me in the foot.

Hmm...!

Wait! Oh, thank God. It needs to be through the door.

Shoot me in the foot through the door.

Don't let go of that towel. I'm not.

Rhona...? Hurry up!

Hang on.

Can't we just say we came home and found her like this?

Yeah.

Yeah, that works too. Cool. OK.

He's just sort of hanging around, watching. He's smoking.

I knew he was the bad guy.

Ambulance is here.

Leanne.

Now...

leave this to me.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Lord take vengeance on the bastards that have done this.

What's the patient's name? Jackie.

Jackie, love. Can you hear me?

OK, heart's beating, I've got a pulse.

We just came in and found her like this.

I mean, I'm no detective,

but it was probably just a drifter going from town to town.

We're coming with you, Jackie.

Don't worry. Every step of the way.

Actually, it's probably best if you stay here.

Police are on their way. Oh, Christ in heavens above!

All right, fine. You can come.

Stay with my voice, Jackie. I won't let the angels have you yet.

What about Charlie Little Pockets?

Charlie bloody Little Pockets can look after himself.

Follow that fucking ambulance there.

'Mummy!

'Pyjama bottoms back on, please.'

'Mummy!

'Bottoms on now.

'Bottoms on. I'm going to count to three.

'One, two...'

Three minutes and I want it all cleared away.

This had better be good. I'm at a bake sale.

'Is that Detective Wilton?'

Speaking. Who's this?

My name's PC Creswell, over at Swindon.

We've had an incident at an address which the system's telling us

you've got an operational interest in.

'39 Woodbridge Court.'

What sort of incident?

'A shooting. One IC1 female,'

mid-40s, large build, believed to be a neighbour from... 'OK.'

There are two residents at the property.

Two IC1 females accompanied the victim to hospital.

An officer is being dispatched to intercept them there.

OK. Listen carefully. Brown Owl...

Those two women are witnesses in an active investigation.

Now, this shooting is almost certainly an attempt on their lives.

Brown Owl, can I go to the toilet?

Yeah, yeah, go, go.

Tell the officer to reassure them of their safety,

bring them into the Swindon station,

and I'll collect them there myself personally.

Oh, my God.

Right, guess how many former Big Brother contestants

are on the sex offenders register?

Male and female.

As soon as we get news about Jackie, we need to get out of here.

That guy could've followed us. Rhona, we're in a hospital.

There's no safer place to get shot.

Ladies.

Am I right in thinking you'd be the two ladies

who came in here with a gunshot victim? Yes.

I am aware of your situation.

Leanne Stubbs. Rhona Fairburn.

This must've been tremendously upsetting for you both.

If you'd like to come down to the car,

I'll take you down to the station.

You're completely safe now.

Yeah, thank you, that's such a relief.

Before we go though, we would just like to...

..pray.

Yes, it's something we picked up living in Dubai,

and we never really got out of the habit of it, did we, Rhons?

Five a day, like with fruit and veg.

They do say it's harder to quit than smoking...

Islam.

We'll meet you back here. Don't go anywhere, will you?

What do you think? We can't trust him.

He could be the mole. Or he could be working with the mole.

How did he know our names?

Maybe he knows DC Wilton.

Maybe she's the mole? Maybe they're all the mole.

He wants us to get in a car with him. Fuck that. I'm scared, Rhona.

Me too.

Why do they call it a mole?

Is it after the animal or the freckles that give you cancer?

We need to get out of here, fast.

OK. Good session?

Yes, thank you. I think faith's important, don't you, officer?

I mean, we can argue about which one's right,

but at the end of the day, they all boil down to the same thing.

Bad people who hurt others will pay for it in eternal damnation,

don't you think so? I certainly hope so, yes.

Now, if you'd like to follow me to the car.