Jeff & Some Aliens

Can we turn this off?

These old movies are, like,

impossible for me to connect with.

Huh? Yeah, totally. They...

they were different times.

So, uh, what should we do now?

- You want to wrestle? - Huh?

We can do shirts versed skins.

I call shirts.

I'm just kidding.

You can be shirts.

You know, that sounds fun, but it's getting late.

I think I'm gonna go.

Thank you so much for helping me fix my computer, though.

Hey, ju... just think of me as... as your IT guy.

Oh. Oh, God!

- Ooh! - Really? Wrestling?

- Oh, come on. - What was even supposed

to happen? I-I don't understand.

Like, you guys wrestle and then what?

You just, like, accidentally make out?

You know what? I don't have to defend myself

to you guys, okay?

Maybe it wasn't the smoothest move in the world, but...

- Yeah, you can say that again. - Why don't we just agree

to never talk about this again, okay?

- Shirts versus skins? - Goddamn it!

I get a message from one of my analysts

telling me our human subject finally has a woman in his home

and I think, "Fantastic.

I'll get to see what love looks like on Earth."

But instead, it's just more of the same

desperate, pathetic groveling.

Okay, look, there's no need to be disrespectful here.

I do feel like I'm making some good progress

and slowly wearing Linda down, okay?

We've had enough waiting, Jeff.

We want to see some action.

Species who are not capable of love

are a threat to the harmony of the galaxy.

- Everybody knows that. - What? No, no, no, no.

We're totally capable of love. That's not the problem.

You know what the problem is?

I think I've been putting a little too much pressure

on myself to make this happen and that's mak...

If you don't close the deal with Linda,

we're gonna blow up your planet.

Come on! What the ?

Don't you guys worry that if you keep making

the same threat all the time I might go numb to it, huh?

Well, if it's all the same to you,

we'll just blow it up right now.

Oh, , no, no, no, no, no.

Please, please no. I'm not numb to it.

Wait, no, no, not numb. Not numb.

You have 50 days.

God, what an asshole.

Wait, what?

- Hey, Linda. - Aah! Jeff.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just curious.

What are you up to tonight?

Huh? Say, uh, 7:30.

Um, I don't... I don't have any plans, why?

Cool, cool. 'Cause I was just thinking,

you know, no pressure, but it might be fun

if you and I right now went to Paris.

- What? - Yeah, I just saw that they had

really low fares and I just thought, "Why not?"

Life is short, you know?

Honestly, Jeff, you're...

you're kind of putting me in an uncomfortable position here.

I don't know, I mean, maybe I haven't been clear.

Sure, there was a spark between us once.

And what a spark, huh? What a spark!

And I was really hoping maybe we could still stay friends,

but maybe it's best for both of us

if we just don't hang out for a while.

Okay. Totally get it, yeah.

What about Wednesday? What are you doing then?

No, Jeff. I mean, like, a long time.

Like, maybe forever.

, , , .

You know, I think the problem is, you didn't go big enough.

How about you take her on this luxury cruise to Bali?

Oh, it's hopeless. It's over.

Everyone's gonna die

and it's all because I have zero game.

You couldn't have less game than me, Jeff.

But I still found a way to go steady

with the girl of my dreams.

I just needed a little help from love goggles.

Okay, love goggles, huh?

I'm listening.

Her name was Zarga.

We were lifeguards at a fancy Slorgian resort.

And every day around lunchtime she would come up to me

and say in the sweetest, most exquisite voice

you've ever heard, "Hey, Ted, wanna go get some lunch?"

That was the best part of my day because...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, come on.

Let... let's... let's stay on track here.

What about the love goggles, okay?

What do they do and how are they gonna help?

Well, Jeff, the way they work is,

they'll show you how you destroyed the love

that Linda had for you.

There was a whole context that I guess you're not inter...

Jeff, you want to go to the gym with me?

- It could be good for you. - What?

That's the whole point of being in a relationship.

You can let yourself go and no matter what,

you still love each other. Right?

Whew. What a day.

Thanks for offering to make dinner, baby.

- - What are we having?

Uh, just a sec.

Um, uh, oh.

Oh, hey.

We're... we're having...

cheese bowl with potato chips.

Jeff, we're gonna be late for the ballet.

The ballet? Uh, okay.

Let me break it down for you. The ballet is for losers.

And you don't want to spend your birthday

with a bunch of losers, do you?

No, Jeff.

Oh, my God.

I mean, no wonder she doesn't want to be with me.

Thank you. Thank you guys so much

for helping me see all my flaws.

All your flaws? We're just getting started.

We got five more hours just in the first...

No, no, that's not necessary.

I think I got the gist.

I just gotta fix every single part of myself, that's all.

And voila, mes amis, you open ze oven,

and ze goose should be moist and bursting with flavor.

Oh.

Mmm, oh, my God, this turmeric is out of this world.

Oh, you got any fresh kohlrabi?

- Jeff? - Oh, Linda.

I thought this place was my little secret.

You look great.

You know, it's weird. People keep saying that.

I mean, it's like did I not look good before or something?

No, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.

Oh, you know what? I actually thought about you the other day.

- You did? - I went to see

that modern Slovenian ballet troupe at the Independent.

The choreography was so cutting edge,

it made Pina Bausch look like George Balanchine, I'm serious.

- - Oh, my God, I read about it.

It sounded amazing.

You know, I think I should apologize, Jeff.

I feel like the last time I saw you, I was really hard on you.

Oh, please. I think we can both agree

I used to be a bit of a knucklehead, right?

Hey, I got an idea.

I just bought way too much amazing organic produce.

Why don't I whip us up a little something?

We can crack open this earthy priorat

and let the past be the past.

You cook?

Mmm, this is amazing.

Oh, it's nothing. I just spatchcocked it,

brined it, and basted it in a little caramelized demi-glace.

Couldn't have been more simple.

Jeff, I am not gonna lie.

I am seriously impressed.

This was fun. I should probably go.

I've got to get up early tomorrow.

It's a legs day.

Why don't you just make it a legs night?

Yeah! Whoo! I did it!

And with five days to spare! Yeah!

- Whoo! - All right! Yeah, buddy!

Thank you, thank you. Really.

You know, it was insanely stressful,

but I guess the threat of a mass holocaust

was exactly what I need to hit the gym and all that .

- Aah! - Congratulations, Jeff.

- When's the wedding? -

You crazy aliens. Oh.

See, those are the kinds of questions

I'm not even thinking about anymore.

Because I'm just gonna enjoy this and...

What? No, you have to get married.