Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1

Greetings from Tromaville.

Let me take you back, back to where it all began...

to a small town in New Jersey.

At that time, the Tromaville nuclear power plant

had a horrifying meltdown,

tainting the water supply of Tromaville High School,

which was carelessly located right next door.

Heinous mutations occurred, transforming the student body

into radiated creatures and cretins.

Well, not every student turned evil.

Our heroes Warren and Chrissy saved the day

by blowing up the nuclear power plant and the school therein,

eliminating evil and setting things back to normal.

Oh, and some other stuff also happened.

But today, since criticizing nuclear power

is no longer in vogue, at least in movies,

the Tromaville nuclear power plant has been bulldozed

to make way for the environmentally friendly,

health-conscious Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc,

built directly on top of the old nuclear plant.

What could go wrong?

This is no typical remake.

I want you to join me

as we "Return to Nuke 'Em High"!

Oh, by the way, excelsior!

Nuke 'Em High

Nuke 'Em High

The sun comes up, a brand-new day

The student body, time to pray

They take that test, they concentrate

'Cause no one wants to be a waste

But outside of

The classroom walls

The Geiger counter

Tells it all

Can't see or feel or smell or taste

The remnants of the nuclear waste

I just

Really want to know

I just

Really want to know

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on...

At Nuke 'Em High?

That's hot.

Your wiener feels like it's flopping around

like a fish without oxygen.

You're fishing with John, baby.

Your name's John?

No, it's Gil, but whatevs.

OMG,

fuck me with your fish dick, Gil!

Oh! Something's got me.

- I got you, baby. - No, no.

Your box... it's biting me.

Whatever you're doing, it's getting me hot.

No, don't stop.

What kind of god...?

Nuke 'Em High

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

Eh.

Stack some medals, don't make a fuss

Forget about the two of us...

We're off to war

- Doesn't matter if you'll agree - Hi. Hi.

You're here to kill, you see...

Attention, Tromorganic employees,

please stop dancing and acting goofy.

President and CEO Herzkauf will be making his inspection shortly.

And do your best...

Stick some bayonets

In some chests...

Now look, laddie, I want my ultracheap foodstuffs

in every school in New Jersey at inflated prices.

That is the basis of our plan, and you know it.

No fast-food place will take my food anymore.

Hmm?

God damn it!

Now you... you, Westly, as principal of the guinea pig charter school...

- Sir, the president's on the line! - Give me that.

Oh! Why do you do that?

Yes, Mr. President.

- Disconnected. - I'll get him back!

Now what is all this about a rogue student blog, Pollution Nerdz,

talking about my foodstuffs contaminating the groundwater

and poisoning the students?

It's slanderous. And it may be true.

If word got out, we'd be ruined.

I got him back!

I'm going to... give me that. Give me that.

Yes, Mr. President.

Oh, everything is just going beautifully... beautifully.

Look, there's... there's always gonna...

There's always gonna be a Zuckerberg in every school. Everything's fine.

Yes. And I'll see you in Havana.

Yeah, I'll get the hookers. Don't bring Michelle.

- Something wrong, boss? - Everything is fine.

You just pay attention to that slogan the spinmasters gave us:

"Propagation is health." "Propagation is health."

And make sure... make sure those students at Tromaville High School

are loving it! Are loving it!

- Oh, man. - What do you want?

This Plasti taco mix foodstuff don't look right, boss.

Well, you want to go green, don't you?

It looks green to me.

Get over here, you bastard. Give me my milk.

Give me that. Give me that.

Ah!

You were 17...

Do I look ripped, babe?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

What's he gonna do?

- What's he gonna do? - What's he gonna do?

- Ohh-hh. - Ohh-hh.

Uh, Eugene.

Eugene.

Uh, Eugene.

Eugene. Eugene!

What is it?

Uh, it's that time of the month

and it's a horror movie down there, so...

Again?

That's what you said last week.

You know, I have toxic shock syndrome from all the tampons.

And I got a headache, so... Look, Chrissy,

I think you're super sexy in a butch kind of way,

which is weird, because what does that say about me?

But we've been talking about having sweet, sweaty,

dirty, kinky, really weird, fucked-up teenage sex

in my big, blue,

white-cream-leather-seat El Dorado for months now

and this is all I get?

You have to be kidding me!

At least you broads won't let me down.

Oh, I really need to get another subscription.

Argh! Oh, you're missing out.

You're really missing out. You have no idea.

Argh!

Look out, Tromaville High.

Here comes the new girl.

Oh.

Hey, new girl, look at these titties.

They're bigger than yours.

You want to go to the prom with me?

Where you going?

What's her deal?

I don't know, but she is hot.

She's a rich bitch.

How the fuck would you know, micro phallus?

Attention, students.

Please empty all items into the plastic tray

before passing through the metal detector.

We've gone three days without a shooting.

Let's keep it up.

Come on.

She lives in Tromaville Heights.

My dad sold her family their McMansion,

kind of like the one you live in,

Marilyn McManson.

You twat.

Thank God for Zoloft and thrift stores.

Would you pull this, please?

Please, please, please, let go, let go, let go.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Oh.

The pope retired.

Fuck you.

Oh.

I am so sorry. I really didn't...

A brownnosing little rich girl late for intramural Ping-Pong?

Ping-Pong is on Wednesdays.

Today is Monday.

I am right about one thing, though, Miley Cyrus:

You are a brownnosing little rich girl.

Looks like Mommy and Daddy

won't be able to save you from a beating this time.

You know what? Some of us actually have plans for our future

that don't involve binge drinking, trailer parks or food stamps.

Ow! Fuck!

I'm gonna get you, rich girl.

Ow.

Kevin, I'm home!

I love you, Kevin.

I know you'll never leave me.

It's great being rich and having a duck as a pet.

Okay, time to check my blog

and see how many eyes I've opened up

with my investigation of Tromorganic Farms.

Omg!

18 whole page views.

18 people have checked in.

What a month. I'll need more bandwidth.