This Way Up

Front door.

It's a great track.

Oh, my God, have you ever known a better song?

There's your dad.

Hi.

Right, in you go.

The good news is if dear Etienne here needs to go to the doctor,

he can point out exactly where it hurts.

Great.

As long as it's his head, his shoulders, his knees, or his toes.

Or his eyes, or his ears.

What if he breaks his finger?

Well, then he'll probably find it difficult to type.

There it is.

Richard, can we put some of my photos downstairs?

Oh, yeah, of course.

It is... It's your home, too.

Do you wanna join me for dinner?

Oh! That's nice.

I haven't actually eaten yet, so...

- Oh, I was talking to Etienne. - Oh...

Oh, sorry.

Just cos you were speaking so formally to a child.

You can stay, if you want, er...

- Marcia's made plenty. - That's nice, but, um...

Please... Please won't you?

Though she did say that she put a poisoned pepper in it.

Hm?

I wasn't serious.

Oh! Right... God, OK.

Cos just you seemed very serious.

Yeah, my mother was actually a TV personality.

Really.

She was just on Irish TV.

Um, she...

- She used to do the weather, on television... - Right.

.. but every day she'd wear a different hat.

How about that?

That was her thing.

Irish people loved it.

I mean, not this Irish person. I hated it.

- What about your dad? - No, he only had the one hat.

He's dead, too.

OK, merci, monsieur.

Nice to see you're keeping all the secrets I tell you.

Sorry to hear that.

It's OK, though it is a bit of a sad story.

Um...

My mother's hat collection fell on top of him.

And...

.. he was smothered to death

by the hats.

That's...

Oh, my God!

Are you laughing, Richard?

Stop! You're freaking me out, man!

Yeah, I guess laughing hasn't been much of a...

- .. a priority of late. - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Obviously...

Listen, you don't need to hang around here with us.

- Um... - Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry for taking up your time.

- I'm not trying to shoo you out. - Oh, no, no, no.

No, oh God, yeah. I shouldn't be...

- I mean, I invited myself for dinner. - Thanks for joining us.

No, thank you for the...

I mean, you really know how to pay someone to cook for you.

So...

OK. - Yeah. - Right.

No...

Aine, please stay.

Do you know what I do have to leave cos I've got

places to go and stuff.

- I'm sure you do. - Yeah.

Um... Yeah, I'll see Monday.

And good luck with your photos and stuff.

I really wanna see them, so...

Um... Yeah.

- OK, see you Monday. - Yeah, see you Monday.

'Man, your boobs are as intense as your arse.

'Hello, boob.'

Oh, my God!

I can't believe you've got rats. That's disgusting!

Yeah, I know, it's awful!

I don't know how they got there, but sixth floor,

they must have had a ladder, or something.

We're watching that murdered nun documentary.

- Oh... - So what did your man say, to smoke them out?

- Smoke them out? - What?

No, Clint Eastwood's rat catching service was closed, Shona.

What are you talking about?

Smoking out is a thing. How else do you get rid of a rat?

You sound like a Cockney criminal.

How do you get rid of a rat, boy?

Do you want me to pause this while we're talking about rats?

- No, no. - I will if you want me to.

No, I'm dying to watch this. I just like the nun.

Mm.

Have you eaten?

Oh, yeah, I have, actually.

I ate at Richard's house.

- Who? - Richard. The man who I teach for.

- What?! - Yeah, he included me in dinner.

Jesus, Aine.

- No, don't... - Be careful. - I knew you'd say that.

- It was totally professional. - Of course I'm gonna say that.

I'm watching this!

They've just moved that head priest to the other parish.

Oh, gosh. They're called bishops, by the way.

- Bishops... whatever! - Head priest. - Head priest!

- Oh, Vish! - I wish they were called that.

Do you know what I'm just gonna watch this at home.

- Come on. - You guys need to...

- No, come on. - Sit down, we'll be good.

Fuck!

- Are you fucking kidding me! - I'm sorry.

Aine! - Sorry. - Come on!

Oh, no...

Oh.

I...

- What's happened? - Ah...

- Why are you so late? - Does Vish ever wee sitting down?

- No. - Then I think I just saw him having a poo.

Oh! Oh, no.

Was he naked?

Er, not from the waist up, no.

Jesus, God love him.

Just pretend it never happened.

Ah, the old family motto.

Ow! Shona!

- That literally actually hurt my arm. - No, it'll teach you

to knock next time.

Did you call your man? When are the rats out?

I didn't know you started eating chicken again.

When did you start eating chicken?

I thought you watched Cowspiracy. It says it in your Netflix.

- Cows are the worst. - Yeah.

Chicken is not a cow and I knew you were logging into my Netflix.

You're the one who's been messing up our algorithms.

Oh, ho-ho, Vish...

I am so sorry.

- It's not funny. - It's a little bit funny.

It's not, it's disgusting.

It's just I'm not used to boys being here and having to knock.

Well, I don't wanna stay here, but I have to

because your sister hates houses that have private bathrooms

and underfloor heating.

I moved my toothbrush in three weeks ago. That's enough for now.

I go to bed with it every night when I miss you.

- Eurgh! - Eurgh.

All right, I am off to stag it up.

Good luck! Sounds like hell.

It is, but he's the last one of our gang that's getting married, so...

Unless one of us does it again.

Oh!

Well, let me know when you plan to marry your ex-wife again.

She was too short for me, anyway.

All right. Thanks for this, love you.

Oh, love you, too, Vish.

I'm really sorry, again, about poo-gate.

OK, it was...

Hey!

You know, you don't have to take care of her all weekend.

- Huh! - It's not good for either one of you.

I'm not, I'm gonna kick her out, get her some fresh air.

- I promise. - Oh, OK.

- You need to relax. - Yes.

- Chill out. - Yes, I know!

- I'm not working. - Good. - I'm gonna chill out.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Don't get killed. - I won't. Bye!

Oh, bye, Vish.

Um, when you're on the stag just don't show anyone your penis

cos that's just for Shona and me to see. OK?

Bye.

OK, what did your man say when you called him?

- What? - When are you getting back in?

Oh, the rats? Um...

Well, they'll all technically be dead by tomorrow,

but then they have to do something awful, like,

scoop up the bodies afterwards, or something.

- So I think... Monday. - In that case three things.

- Mm-hm. - Charlotte's coming over to work, don't tell Vish.

My best friend, Charlotte.

Well, very funny, so make yourself scarce.

What?

Shona...

Can I not just hide in your room?

No, I'd feel bad asking you to do that.

So, just, you know, leave instead.

- What am I gonna do? - Aine, I'm not your event and live planner, OK?

Just figure it out.

And it's Saturday, go do something fun.

OK.

Second and third things.

We've got a cousin in London.

Mam wants us to hang out with him.

Oh, fuck that! Is he Irish?

We have to, OK. Apparently they were nice after daddy died.

What?