Solar Opposites

The ship is totally repaired!

We can finally leave this shithole planet

and find a good one that Pupa can terraform.

Then we can grow more Shlorpians

from the seeds we have stored in the cryopods.

So long, Earth suckers. Enjoy the melting ice caps.

I hope the combustion engine was worth it.

‐ Goodbye, oxygen‐rich atmosphere. Goodbye, puppies.

Goodbye, Maroon 5!

‐ I'm glad we're finally going to a planet that doesn't have stupid rules,

like saying "excuse me" after you fart.

You're supposed to say it before you fart.

‐ This fucking sucks!

If I was team leader, we'd be getting butter‐drunk at Harry P‐Land

and loading up on wands.

‐ Well, tough titties, you're not. Everyone, strap in.

I'm going to activate the launch.

Jesse! What‐‐ what the hell is that?

‐ M&Ms with the olives inside.

They're oily and sour. ‐ Give me that!

Every ounce of weight matters!

Something this small could set us off course

and straight into the sun.

We're back to equilibrium.

Launching now.

It's working! Wait.

Geek Squad, Michael speaking.

‐ This is Korvo the alien. I'm calling to say fuck you, Michael.

You've been working on my Lenovo for too many weeks now,

and you can just shove it up your ass, Michael.

The Judge said you're weren't supposed to call here anymore.

‐ Fuck you and fuck your whole squad,

and I fucked your mom.

Whoa! Hey‐‐

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, the balance was off.

Did someone accidentally have a penny in their pocket

or a contact lens or a feather?

‐ I might have hidden some stuff on the ship.

‐ Did it weigh more than a gram?

What the hell? Bags of sand, bowling balls,

Congo pinball machine, a lifetime supply of Silly Putty eggs?

You needed to bring the entire series run of Cops on DVD and VHS!

‐ I didn't know what kind of player the hotel would have.

‐ There is no hotel! Terry, you idiot! It's‐‐ it's a empty planet.

This puts us right back to where we were a year ago.

‐ Oh my God, make a bigger deal about it, ya poopy!

‐ Yay! We're still trapped on Earth!

‐ Excuse me.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. They're always thirsty.

But they don't drink their own piss, I don't get it.

Just drink your own piss.

‐ Oh yeah, they're making Succession cereal with all the shapes:

Romans, Logans, and Purple Shivs!

‐ The autopilot's completely destroyed.

We're going to have to re‐pilot the whole thing.

What is the distress detector doing in the freezer?

‐ Oh, it wouldn't stop beeping. It was driving me nuts.

‐ It only beeps when it receives a Shlorpian distress call!

That means there's aliens from the home world

somewhere in this quadrant!

How long has this been beeping?

‐ A year? Or a year and a half, maybe?

‐ Damn it, Terry! All right, come on, we have to help them!

They're probably on an M‐class planet somewhere in the Gamma sector.

What the hell, they're on Earth!

‐ Looks like the Solar Opposites are going to London!

‐ I can't believe we get to use the hover platform.

I thought that was a one‐time thing.

‐ The Solar Opposites are hovering to London!

‐ Would you stop saying that. W‐what does that even mean?

‐ Well, I just think we should be called "The Solar Opposites."

‐ No, that's stupid.

Wait, where's Yumyulack and the Pupa?

Damn it! How are we still so bad at this?

Watching the Pupa is your whole job, Terry.

‐ Don't worry, I'm sure Yumyulack's keeping him real safe.

What could go wrong?

‐ I guess as long as he doesn't let the Pupa watch Robocop again,

it'll‐‐ it'll be fine.

‐ Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

Suck my shitty tits, Robocop!

‐ Jaeden, Aaden, Braden. Still as cool as last year, I see.

‐ We are, but our internal politics have shifted.

This year, Jaeden is our leader. I was demoted.

‐ You know, my adults are out of town.

If you guys want to hang at my place, we could drink too much

and maybe hurt our chances of living past 65.

‐ A witch said I'm gonna die at 25 anyway, so I guess I'm down.

‐ Silence. Your alpha speaks.

Yumyulack, it'd be cool to throw a sleepover party.

I decree that all cool kids will attend.

‐ But I thought you hated me?

‐ Dunking on you was a policy of the Aaden era.

Since then, we all went to Christian summer camp

and realized it's cool to be inclusive.

It was Christian Slater's volleyball camp.

This'll be the coolest party of the year!

‐ The Solar Opposites have made it to London!

All right, shut up, follow me.

‐ Oh, so now he's calling us "the Solar Opposites"?

‐ Oh, I cannot wait to meet these new aliens.

Do you think they've been studying hydron levels

or stratospheric particulates?

‐ Wow, both sound so cool, it's hard to pick. Hopefully both?

‐ Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Hmm. That's odd.

Apparently, they live in the sewer for some reason.

Oh!

Damn, look at that ship. It's... nice.

Hello? Is anyone here in distress?

‐ What are you doing? Get in here!

‐ Uh, we were following a distress call?

Doesn't seem like you're in that much distress.

‐ I am Kabronius, team leader of this ship.

‐ This is Zelvod, my co‐team leader,

and our replicants Tivo and Damasculon.

‐ Are you crazy? Where are your masks?

‐ I didn't know we needed masks. I've been breathing air for over a year!

No,

the face masks are so you can hide from the Terrans!

‐ We use these to walk amongst the Terrans

so they don't capture and dissect us.

‐ Where we live in America, we don't wear masks.

We're noticeable almost all of the time.

‐ Yeah, our ship sticks out of the top of our house,

and one time we covered the whole town in ice lava.

So, they know us.

‐ B‐b‐but, you know, we also spend a lot of time hiding from Terrans

as well. ‐ No, we don't.

‐ Aren't you scared that the government will kidnap you?

‐ Yes, all the time, we have to be very careful around Terrans.

They're the aliens, a‐a‐am I right?

‐ I never thought of it like that. They really are.

‐ Oh, oh, can we show them the neutron array?

Please? ‐ Okay, okay.

It is very nice. We have a very nice neutron array.

‐ Who calls it "terra"?

‐ Yeah, these dorks are real Korvos.

‐ And of course, the end of any good ship tour,

the havacord meniscus.

‐ Is this dual sided?

‐ It is! This guy knows his stuff.

‐ Ugh, I wish I had a dual meniscus,

ours only emits from the left.

‐ Ah, so great. Hey, guys.

Do you wanna go eat tikka masala and see some castles?

Maybe, uh, Ramsay some Gordons?

‐ Ooh yes! Let's go meet Pippa. Nobody gets her.

‐ Oh, no, no, no. We survive by creeping out at night

to find food in dumpsters.

If we get spotted, we erase people's minds with a memory zapper.

‐ Eventually, we might infiltrate the government

and try brainwashing some people.

‐ Wow, then you could go work in the government.

‐ This ship is so much nicer than ours,

not to mention our house is cluttered with toys and magazines.

‐ Oh, we only allow Shlorpian items to stay on the ship,

it reminds us of home.

‐ You hear that, Terry? ‐ "You hear that Terry?" Shut up, bitch.

‐ We were about to start our hourly prayers. Care to join?

‐ Eh, we only pray on Easter

or when we think we're about to die.

And even then, we don't really mean it.

‐ I call dibs on the first three hundred psalms!

‐ No fair!

‐ It is so good to know that we aren't alone in this dangerous world.

Look, if you ever need a Shlorpian place to stay,

our hatch is open.

We have tons of room and all the eel trash you can eat.

‐ Thank you. And may I just say‐‐

‐ Ugh, can we please go already?

‐ Sorry. I just wanted to thank you for being‐‐

‐ Korvo, I'm bored!

‐ Bye! Have fun!

‐ Looks like the Solar Opposites are going to America!

Next time we're flying! ‐ No! I like the platform!

Ahh!

‐ Can you believe those weirdo British aliens pray every hour?

Next time, let's just ignore the distress signal.

Bunch of Jar Jar dinks. Meesa gonna hide from Terrans!

‐ Those Shlorpians were exactly the way we are supposed to be.

‐ Sneaking out at night to dumpster dive for trash food?

Meesa gonna eat trash!