Family Guy

Hi.

I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father.

And I'm here to tell you the story

of a very special Christmas in Quahog.

Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here,

but I think he's dead.

Anyway, Seth came out of my penis,

and now he made this.

Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmastime.

The town was blanketed with snow,

the trees were being trimmed,

and everyone was making up their Christmas lists.

Well, that's just not practical.

Oh, that sounds terrific.

How about you, Kids?

Ha ha!

Santa's got his work cut out for him.

Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet.

Wait. What?

Forget it. Keep going.

I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive.

Oh, get off your soap box, Brian.

It's Christmas.

And Christmas is about gettin'!

Everyone in town knows that!

Ooh, giggity!

Happy Holidays!

I am so excited to see Santa Claus.

You know what I think is really wonderful?

Of all the malls in this great country of ours,

he chooses to come here.

Year after year.

You know, I mean, who... Who are we? You know?

I'll tell you who we are.. The lucky ones.

Uh oh.

Oh, my God, look at the line.

Damn it, we're gonna be here forever.

Hey, wait, look! There's Quagmire, way up front.

We can cut in line with him.

Uh, wait, Stewie. He doesn't like me so mu...

Glenn? Glenn Quagmire?

Wha... Wow.

What... What are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Brian.

Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else.

Wow, cool. Cool.

Oh, man, we'll just hang with you guys here.

Who's this little guy? Huh? Is this your nephew?

Hey, Buddy, you here to see Santa?

Yeah. I hope you've been a good boy this year.

That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche.

Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy. Uh oh.

Do you know how much talking it took

to get her out of the house because of her no hair?

Oh, gosh, I-I didn't know.

I'm so... I'm so sorry.

Oh, you're sorry? For-For what?

That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you

that you'd rather destroy the confidence

of a five year old Cancer Patient?

Oh, come on. I-I didn't know she was dying.

Who said anything about dying?

Uncle Glenn, am I dying?

No, Sweetheart, you're not dying.

'Cause we're gonna see Santa,

and he's gonna bring you a new brain.

Get out of here, Brian.

Just get out of here.

Should have gone into politics, Bri.

Now we got to go to the back of the line.

What the hell! Why isn't it moving?

I don't know. It's always the same thing.

Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day.

Yeah, yeah. And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box

and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game

on a 'cause of I lost the "Draw 2" card.

And I want a pet animal

that's half chinchilla and half mink,

'cause it'd be really soft,

and I could call it chink, and that's okay.

Geez, doesn't the mall close soon?

We've been here forever.

Would you relax? We're right here. I'm next.

Hello, Santa.

Now, um, we've got a slight problem here,

because I have been rather naughty.

But you're a business man, I'm a business man.

I'm sure we can work... Something... Out.

Wait. What are you doing?

Santa? You can't leave now!

Hey, wait-wait, Buddy, Buddy,

we've been in line for, like, two hours.

Sorry. I'm done.

You want your kid to sit on my lap,

meet me at the bar at Applebee's.

Aw, that sucks.

Sorry, Stewie.

That son of a bitch.

He just turned his back on me.

The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey.

How am I doing today, Gary Busey?

You're doing great!

Good! Then I'll keep it up!

Hey, give me your keys.

I need your car.

What? You're not taking my car.

Very well, then. You're driving me. Let's go.

Dri-Driving you where?

To the North Pole to see Santa Claus.

If that beslubbering, onion eyed maggot pie thinks

he can just blow me off like that,

he's got another thing coming.

Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed

that you didn't get to see Santa,

but I-I'm not driving you to the North Pole.

Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU.

Now, I think we should go down there to support him.

Wh-What? Yeah, apparently,

something happened at the mall,

and she took a turn for the worse.

They don't know how much time she has left.

Quagmire just called.

He's really upset.

It doesn't sound like he wants us there

for some reason, but-but we should go anyway.

All right, let's go to the North Pole.

And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole.

Hey, you want to hear a real live action fart

instead of one of those fake cartoony ones?

We're gonna need another pair of pants...

And another chair.

Hey, Stewie, wake up.

We're here. We're at the North Pole.

Oh, uh. What? What? What?

Uh, North Pole?

North Pole! North Pole!

There it is!

My word, I really must have been asleep!

Ah, look at this.

The tip of the Earth, Brian.

Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.

All right, let's go.

Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?

Small.

Well, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves.

Ah, that's right.

Good. Good point. Elves.

Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?

Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?

Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?

Uh... 'Cause... From, uh, Katrina?

Ah, of course. All right.

Well, uh, I just have one more question, then.

Do you think I'm an idiot? Huh? Do you?

Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous...

You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!

There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!

Nobody vomits at the North Pole!

Except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!