Natural Disasters

What?

you piece of shit.

Every day is your birthday,

and today is the gift of conversation.

I don't want your conversation.

Your voice is making me wanna pour Drano down my ears.

Aww, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!

I love you so much, I'll take that to my...

- Mm. - Mm.

Can I help you?

I didn't mean to blow you off last night,

okay?

Okay.

Wait!

I took two Nyquil and passed out.

I didn't wake up until after midnight, I swear.

I put on normal clothes for you.

I'm sorry.

But I got you Pedialyte and a burrito.

I think it's cheese.

I assumed you might need it after the very aggressive

and slurred hate message you left me.

- Don't make any jokes. - Right. Sorry.

Can I come in?

Please?

You're, uh, glowing today, by the way.

You are! You're... you're beautiful,

you're a queen, I'm serious, please.

If you do that again,

you better ingest every Nyquil pill you own.

Done.

- I'm serious. - I... fuckin' promise.

Okay, then, wipe that smile off your face!

I'm... I'm trying, but it's...

- I'm serious. - Can I fuckin' enter, or...

Uh-uh-uh!

What?

Burrito.

Mm.

Thank you.

Uh! Scratch my back.

All right.

- Like this? - Harder.

Down.

- Mm. - Mm-hm.

To the left a little.

Yeah.

Do that one thing that I like.

Mm-hm.

- That's not what I like! - This one thing.

- No. - I'm outta here.

No!

Nathan, stop.

Ouch!

Ow.

- No. - What?

- Stop. - Keep going?

- Oh, I make you so wet! - You a good boy?

You gonna do everything I tell you to do?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah?

- Yes. - Okay, keep fucking me, then.

Harder, you little bitch!

Always such a fucking pussy!

Fucking me.

Don't come yet.

- Hold it in! - Oh, I'm so close!

Oh, I'm sorry!

All right.

Oh, man.

Um... yeah, can I get a white chocolate mocha...

decaf?

Oh, and with skim milk, not regular milk.

Size?

Um...

Medium.

Oh wait, no, no... large.

Actually...

Can I get a medium in a large cup

with extra whipped cream?

Yeah, sure. Anything else?

Oh yeah. Can I get one of those low-cal bagels?

Oh, um, the freshest one?

No... not that one. The one in the back.

Hey, man, you wanna do your job?

I'm trying to get an education,

make a better life for myself.

- You're reading manga. - Yeah.

- Hm. - Does that turn you on?

A cultured man reading Japanese literature?

My vagina has literally never been so dry.

I'm into that.

- Just like... - Fine.

Sage?

A word.

Kyle.

Sage, it's all about keeping the order side of the cup

facing out.

Expedited service, keeping it smooth, slick.

After all, we are a well-oiled machine.

- Yes. - Got it.

Good, good, good. Also... ahem...

We need to discuss your upsell tactics?

Mm-hm.

You know, this was brewed by Somalian street orphans.

Lot of children had to die for this coffee.

Here.

Take it. It's yours.

Take it.

Goodbye.

Enjoy!

Think about it like carpe diem.

Seize the opportunity.

Make them want what they don't have.

We're a model store.

Other locations look up to us.

I mean, it's like we are delivering

the opiate of the masses.

It's... it's a domino effect,

really.

Okay.

- Was that it? - Yeah, that's all,

back to the register.

All right, people, let's keep it moving.

Hey, Sage!

C'mere, come on.

I just... I don't want you to forget

to wipe down the tables, so...

this is for you!

I hope you choke on your vomit and die in your sleep.

Stop flirting with me in the workplace.

This is a sacred environment!

Fine! I'll go out with you!

Come back. Please come back.

No.

I really can't tell if I'm turned on

or if I wanna, like, gouge out his eyes

and force-feed him his own testicles, you know?

Ooh! That, I can get on board with.

How many times is he gonna upset you

before you realize you just gotta move on?

I suck at this game.

You gotta give more hand jobs.

Exercise that wrist.

- Nobody likes hand jobs. - Whoa.

Seventh-graders like hand jobs.

That's true.

- Ew. - You could masturbate.

I hate masturbating.

What did you say?

My arm gets tired.

Better start flickin' that clit.

Ew, stop!

You really need to get more comfortable

with your sexuality.

It has nothing to do with my sexuality.

I just don't like that word.

- "Clit"? - Yes.

Or it really might be your sexuality.

- Thank you. - I love sex!

Cum! Penis! Vagina! Areola!

Tip of the dick!

I don't fuckin' know, I just don't like

that specific word.

Oh, shit!

Eight!

Sorry, Casey, you lose.

So you can swallow jizz but you can't take down

two ounces of tequila?

I don't swallow.

What do you do in bed?

You swallow?

Duh.

Do you swallow?

It depends on the guy, but... yeah.

I mean, the consistency! It's like...

melted rubber.

That's why you gotta... deep-throat

and just let it shoot back.

It also sounds like he might be eating something

that he should not be eating.

I don't know, I think I'm just not a texture person

or something.

You can't complain about cum until you've had Jason Michaels

blow his wad all over you.

I forgot about Jason.

- Who was Jason? - Junk jizz.

A piece of jizz literally flew out of his dick

onto my hand.

Like the peelable glue that you get

in magazine perfume samples.

That's repulsive.

Not as bad as Colgate jizz.

- Debatable. - No!

- Yes! - It's so much worse!

- Go. - Okay.

This guy, when he came, it was literally like

squeezing a tube of toothpaste.

The jizz just, like, spiraled out of the tip of his dick.

Does that sound right to you?