Better Things

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Hi.

Do you want to buy her the earrings?

'Cause that's why she's crying,

because of $6 earrings that...

She has them at home already.

But she wants them for right now, so...

You should go into that store and buy them for her.

'Cause I'm not doing it.

Or stop looking.

You want a hotdog on a stick?

Oh.

Yeah. What happened?

Hi, Richard.

Hey. Hey. Uh...

Look, uh, Richard...

Um, uh, uh, uh...

Yeah, look, Richard, I... I...

- Uh-oh. - Richard.

I'll see you at school things.

Yeah. Okay

Who was that?

Sophie's dad.

Eww. Eww!

Yeah. That was a big mistake.

What about Charles' dad?

What about him?

Mm.

Is he tall?

To me.

Listen, Jack.

I started this firm,

and you are not getting rid of me.

Listen, Jack.

Listen, Jack.

Listen, Jack. I started this firm.

You're not getting rid of me.

I don't care what you and that bimbo try to pull,

I will eat your goddamn lunch on this deal.

Listen, Jack.

Ugh. Figures.

Of course.

Of course you're here.

Of course you're here.

Listen, Jack. I started this firm,

and you're not...

You're not... You're not gonna do that.

Don't do that.

It's good to practice.

It is.

Shh.

How are you? What's goin' on?

Well, I wish for one boring day.

I really hate you, Mom.

You are so unfair.

Good. Fine. Go live with your father.

Yeah, I'm leaving right now.

Very crazy good. House full of young girls kicking my ass.

- You are so unfair! - Get in the house.

Go to bed.

I'm gonna make your life a living hell.

Chuy! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I hear ya. I only have one, so I can't even imagine.

- You have kids? You have a kid? - I do.

- I have one. - That's so weird to me.

- What? - No, I didn't...

You don't seem maternal.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

That's what... They all say that, too.

Um, are you dating Luke?

What? No.

I don't know. Somebody said that.

- No. - No?

Eww. No, I'm dating my daughters.

They're my love life. The whole day.

Okay.

All right. Focus. Focus.

Listen, Jack.

I started this firm, and you're not...

I mean, who writes this shit?

I don't know. I don't understand.

I mean, who is...

- Oh, my God. - Thank you.

- I know. - It is so good to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you, too.

I'm glad you're back. I mean, this is gonna be great.

Are you kidding me?

- Yeah. - Are you gonna go?

Yeah. It's Julie Bowen.

Yeah, you're right.

Bye.

Wait! Don't go in there.

The wizard will see us,

and he'll try to rez us down.

Hello?

Hi, Miss Jacobs.

Yes. I'm sorry. Duke had her homework,

but I forgot it in my van.

I took her to the dentist today.

Yeah.

Yeah, I understand that.

Yes. I know.

Amanda, will you give me a break?

I have three of them, and you know I work.

No. No, he doesn't help.

They haven't seen him in, like, a month.

I didn't say that was your problem.

I...

Okay. All right.

Amanda...

And I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Whoo. Okay, Vernon. I am so sorry.

One more time. Almost done.

Adrenaline.

Wait! Don't go in there.

The wizard will see us, and he'll try to... Goddamnit.

That woman is pure shit on a stick.

I cannot wait 'til my daughter leaves that school,

so I can tell her what a cockfighting douche her fucking teacher was.

Oh, Vernon.

Okay.

One more for the wizard.

Ooh.

Where is the freakin' graph paper?

I mean, this place is like a pre-apocalyptic nightmare.

Oh, calm down, mom.

Okay, graph paper, journal notebook,

dictionary...

That woman smelled like my dad's girlfriend.

Eww.

What?

What?

Oh, headphones. That's great. And speakers,

and where's the freakin' graph paper?

I don't know, Mom. I'll get the binders and the rest of the stuff.

Does anyone actually work here?

Hello!

Does anybody actually work here?

Yes, I do!

But I'm with customers right now.

Wait. But can you tell me at least where I can find the graph paper?

Aisle eight.

This is aisle eight.

Oh, here it is.

That was great, Mom.

Just freak out in a store, why don't you.

I didn't freak out, just nobody works there.

I wish you smoked pot, Mom.

What?

It would be good for you.

Stoners aren't losers, Mom.

And it would mellow you out.

I'm perfectly mellow.

Can I ask you something?

You now what? Never mind.

You'll just freak out.

Okay, you don't have to,

but now you know you're going to.

Could you get pot for me?

What?

Gabby Shuster's mom told her

if she ever wanted to smoke pot,

she'd get it for her.

Like, don't you want me to have clean organic pot?

You should want me to have good nugs.

Good nugs?

I don't even know what to say?

That's amazing.

I don't know how to get pot.

I don't even know where to get...

Gabby Shuster's mom

said that to you?

Okay. That's great.

I can't even get Gran pot for her arthritis.

How about this? How about this?

No. No, Max, I'm not gonna get you pot.

- It's so easy, Mom. - Sorry.

- Oh. - You get a prescription,

you just have to be 18.

Max, honey, can we just go back to the regular hard things,

like school supplies?

You should be happy I'm honest with you.

I could just get it and not tell you.

Oh, yeah, well, that might be a little better.

Seriously?

Yeah. These things are normal,

but you should be ashamed of them. Little bit.

Why, you're... You're my mom,

I want you to know if I have sex or if I want to get high.